Tits Archives - Page 67 of 79 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2007

14

Aug

I am – Lohan is Named the Maxim 10th Anniversary Cover Girl for September Sneak Peak of the Day

So it turns out that the people at Maxim are into the same kind of women as me. You know, barely legal, addicted to drugs, with panties that are filled with money, herpes, men’s cock and a vagina that is always ready to have a good time. She is a pornstar without showing penetration on video, although after watching every single one of her movies I’ve felt totally prison raped, she’s Lohan and when I was away, she was put away. So seeing her grace the pages of a magazine in picture and in interview is a nice welcome home to me.

I have realized that I will never get to hang out with Lohan by the pool drinking cocktails. She will probably either be dead or committed and even if she had maintained her life livin’ the dream, she’d never take the time out for me. I have been trying to stalk her for about 2 years, I thought I found her on facebook, myspace, AIM, Google Talk. I had her phone number and would call her and never get an answer, so I guess I am forced to accept defeat and move on. It is going to be hard, goodbyes are never easy, especially when you’re not leaving by choice. I guess what it comes down to is that Lohan is done to me, but her tits will always have a place on this site when no one else wants to let her in off the street for a shower and a warm meal….

I was just outside and saw two girls thuggin’ it out. They were rehearsing some rap song while shopping for groceries with their mom. They were saying shit about a girl they had bagged who was five foot six and really knew how to suck some dick and I found the whole thing pretty awkward because the younger one’s dance move was simulating giving a blowjob. I blame them for my slow start to the day…and I blame the Disney Channel for giving them such shitty idols. Cuddles.

If You Want to see all the pictures and read the interview because I was too Lazy to Upload Them…
GO

2007

13

Aug

I am – Hayden Panettiere in Some Short Skirt of the Day

7 Comments »

The other day I was walking down the street and saw 2 young girls walking with their mother. They were probably around 15 years old and one of them was wearing a low cut shirt with these massive genetically modified milk titties busting out of it while the other one was wearing the shortest fucking shorts I’ve seen on a girl in a longtime. Her full ass cheeks were hanging out of the bottom and I could tell that these were girls who lost their virginity at 10 and had their first abortion by 12. I am not going to say that I found them hot because I didn’t, I was just fascinated by the fact that their mother allowed this to go down and they weren’t from a trashy family, they looked like they were upper middle class and they were carrying shopping bags from relatively expensive stores and rockin’ expensive watches and shoes.

I am assuming that the mother was just one of those bored housewives who had lost her youth when she got married and is trying to reclaim that shit through her kids who she refuses to discipline because it would make her look uncool to them. She’s one of those best friend mothers who takes her daughter to get her first set of birth control pills, her first AIDS test, who scores her first bag of weed and smokes it with her, who demonstrates how to give a proper blowjob so all the boys like you kind of mom and I guess there’s nothing really wrong with that.

There is however, something wrong with Hayden Panettiere and I can’t put my finger on it. I am thinking it’s the fact that she looks like a stalky midget or some kind of weird bobble head you buy at the dollar store that was made in China and has a high lead count in it poisoning all of us to think she’s a cunt we’d like to slam. I wonder if it’s illegal to say that about someone under 18. I guess I’ll just leave it in and see if the Christian Groups come knocking, but I have a feeling they won’t considering they’ve been molesting pre-pubescents since around the time Jesus started the whole thing…..Cuddles.

Related Posts:
Hayden Panettiere Eating of the Day
Hayden Panettiere Picking Her Wedgie Then Lickin’ Her Hand of the Day
Hayden Panettiere Bikini Pictures of the Day
Hayden Panettiere Lickin’ Ass of the Day

2007

13

Aug

I am – Britney Spears' See-Through Nips of the Day

No Comments »

I went home with some British consultant on Saturday night after getting shot down by this other fella that works for an expensive car company. I spent most of my night working on “Car Co.” He bought me several drinks, but obviously didn’t understand the consequences of getting a girl drunk. Liquor + me = SlutFest 2007. I kept trying to kiss him, he kept pulling away. Either he was gay or had a girlfriend or was bad at business, like he invested money then didn’t follow through? This ex-hooker doesn’t get it.

I don’t remember him leaving, but I remember moving on to a British guy who was hot in a bulldog way, and I have a soft spot for UK accents. This Brit had a fancy place and a tiny penis. We fucked for what felt like an hour until he unleashed his ass fixation. Now I hate anal because it hurts like a bitch and unnecessary if you’re in to chicks, but I wanted to sleep in a room with AC and a comfortable bed. Judge me, I don’t give a fuck, I used to be a hooker.

Here is Britney Spears and her nipples looking like the kind of girl that would take it up the ass for a popsicle, and she’d probably buy the popsicle herself. I think it’s safe to say she probably has to purchase her lovers these days, you can see it in her sad dead eyes and sagging tits. So you can dump your internet girlfriend and quit your job at the 7/11 because your chances of nailing her and retiring early just went up.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

Related Posts:

Britney Spears Goes Out in a Bra
Britney Spears Swims Topless
Britney Spears Squatting in Public

2007

13

Aug

I am – Britney Spears’ See-Through Nips of the Day

8 Comments »

I went home with some British consultant on Saturday night after getting shot down by this other fella that works for an expensive car company. I spent most of my night working on “Car Co.” He bought me several drinks, but obviously didn’t understand the consequences of getting a girl drunk. Liquor + me = SlutFest 2007. I kept trying to kiss him, he kept pulling away. Either he was gay or had a girlfriend or was bad at business, like he invested money then didn’t follow through? This ex-hooker doesn’t get it.

I don’t remember him leaving, but I remember moving on to a British guy who was hot in a bulldog way, and I have a soft spot for UK accents. This Brit had a fancy place and a tiny penis. We fucked for what felt like an hour until he unleashed his ass fixation. Now I hate anal because it hurts like a bitch and unnecessary if you’re in to chicks, but I wanted to sleep in a room with AC and a comfortable bed. Judge me, I don’t give a fuck, I used to be a hooker.

Here is Britney Spears and her nipples looking like the kind of girl that would take it up the ass for a popsicle, and she’d probably buy the popsicle herself. I think it’s safe to say she probably has to purchase her lovers these days, you can see it in her sad dead eyes and sagging tits. So you can dump your internet girlfriend and quit your job at the 7/11 because your chances of nailing her and retiring early just went up.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

Related Posts:

Britney Spears Goes Out in a Bra
Britney Spears Swims Topless
Britney Spears Squatting in Public

2007

13

Aug

I am – Carmen Electra Bikini Pictures of the Day

4 Comments »

I don’t know how she does it, but she’s been tight bodied and worth fucking for pretty much all my life it seems. I think she hit in the mid-90s and has consistently brought her tits out with her since then and she’s still worth fucking and that’s some kind of miracle. Most of the hot chicks I knew in the 90s got married, let themselves go and are fat and boring with kids now. It’s like Carmen Electra has defied all the odds she had up against her and should be acknowledged for that shit because based on these pictures, she’s still got it going on and hardly looks 40 or however old she is. I guess all you ex-hot chicks who read this site and let themselves go after their first kid are trying to justify it by saying her tits are her job or the only way she makes her money or whatever and if she was at home taking care of her household she wouldn’t be as good as she is, but I think that’s just your jealousy speaking because I am convinced she is hotter than most 20 year old college coeds who let the football team gangbang them and that’s saying a lot.

I was bored last night because being back home means listening to my wife talk, so I locked myself in the bathroom with my computer and filled out the personality test on one of those online dating sites. I was going through the questions as honestly as possible and I was doing it partially out of curiosity and partially out of planning for my future after the wife has her massive heart attack for being too fat to put on her own shoes….Either way after answering all the questions, I looked for personality matches on their network of millions and I got no matches. Not one bitch on this site is even a partial match to me. I guess the site was either telling me to give up trying and that I will die alone or that I have a flawed personality, I guess the good news is that these pictures of Carmen Electra can’t say no to my flawed personality. Cuddles.

Related Posts:
Carmen Electra Doing Hot Stretches
Carmen Electra’s Nipples are Hard
Carmen Electra Helps the Homeless
Carmen Electra is Hot and Walking

2007

13

Aug

I am – Elisha Cuthbert's Bikini Hides Behind the Camera Where She Belongs of the Day

No Comments »

I knew a guy who used to bang Elisha Cuthbert before she was really famous. I am not trying to imply that she is good at what she does or that having what was pretty much a cameo appearance on 24 and 2 shitty movies no one saw under her belt makes her famous, but she is more famous than me.

Anyway, this dude knew her in her transition from a shitty Canadian kids show and her move to LA and I think they may have been still together when she was working her first job before she really made it. It was when she was insecure and had low self esteem. He told me that she used to suck his dick whenever he wanted, she would drag her teeth a little but always took his load on her face. She was constantly calling him and trying to see him, she was totally obsessed with him and he wore the pants and was the boss. When he didn’t want to see her, he wouldn’t answer, when he did want to see her, she’d drop everything she was doing to spend time with him, he pretty much owned her.

The second bitch moved to LA the tables turned. She got flooded with confidence. She was in her head better than all the kids she went to high school with. She was going to make it and leave her past behind. When she’d come visit, she’s be sure to drive by their houses in her luxury cars, wearing her designer clothes and obnoxiously wave but never give them the time of day, because she was over them….

Anyway, he’d call her and she wouldn’t answer. He went down to stay with her in the first month and she would come in late while he was there on her couch waiting, he became the bitch and when he went back to Canada, she never spoke to him again.

Who knows if the dude is telling the truth or not, I do know that I think Elisha Cuthbert is a waste of space, here she is at Paris Hilton’s party in Malibu wearing some stupid pants to cover her fat thighs and cellulite because it’s hard to get a job being the token hot chick when the world knows you’ve been eating too many donuts. Cunt.

Either way, I think bitch should start getting used to being behind the camera because at the rate things are going, it may end up being the only place she’ll be allowed on set….

Related Posts:

Elisha Cuthbert Leaves Tanning Salon Lookin’ Pale as Bird Shit
Elisha Cuthbert’s Cigarette is Luckier Than You
Elisha Cuthbert is Fat

Posted in:Bikini|Elisha Cuthbert|See Through Pants|Tits|Unsorted

2007

13

Aug

I am – Elisha Cuthbert’s Bikini Hides Behind the Camera Where She Belongs of the Day

10 Comments »

I knew a guy who used to bang Elisha Cuthbert before she was really famous. I am not trying to imply that she is good at what she does or that having what was pretty much a cameo appearance on 24 and 2 shitty movies no one saw under her belt makes her famous, but she is more famous than me.

Anyway, this dude knew her in her transition from a shitty Canadian kids show and her move to LA and I think they may have been still together when she was working her first job before she really made it. It was when she was insecure and had low self esteem. He told me that she used to suck his dick whenever he wanted, she would drag her teeth a little but always took his load on her face. She was constantly calling him and trying to see him, she was totally obsessed with him and he wore the pants and was the boss. When he didn’t want to see her, he wouldn’t answer, when he did want to see her, she’d drop everything she was doing to spend time with him, he pretty much owned her.

The second bitch moved to LA the tables turned. She got flooded with confidence. She was in her head better than all the kids she went to high school with. She was going to make it and leave her past behind. When she’d come visit, she’s be sure to drive by their houses in her luxury cars, wearing her designer clothes and obnoxiously wave but never give them the time of day, because she was over them….

Anyway, he’d call her and she wouldn’t answer. He went down to stay with her in the first month and she would come in late while he was there on her couch waiting, he became the bitch and when he went back to Canada, she never spoke to him again.

Who knows if the dude is telling the truth or not, I do know that I think Elisha Cuthbert is a waste of space, here she is at Paris Hilton’s party in Malibu wearing some stupid pants to cover her fat thighs and cellulite because it’s hard to get a job being the token hot chick when the world knows you’ve been eating too many donuts. Cunt.

Either way, I think bitch should start getting used to being behind the camera because at the rate things are going, it may end up being the only place she’ll be allowed on set….

Related Posts:

Elisha Cuthbert Leaves Tanning Salon Lookin’ Pale as Bird Shit
Elisha Cuthbert’s Cigarette is Luckier Than You
Elisha Cuthbert is Fat

Posted in:Bikini|Elisha Cuthbert|See Through Pants|Tits|Unsorted

2007

09

Aug

I am – Melanie Brown in a Bikini of the Day

5 Comments »

Here are some pictures of a post pregnant Melanie Brown rocking a bikini for all of you fucking losers to look at and either criticize her for being a slut who gets knocked up by dudes who deny it ever happening or talk about her big fat titties that are full of milk to feed the baby dudes who fuck her deny ever doing….

I ended up at the beach at one point in the last few months, it wasn’t a very beautiful thing for the people around me because I am about as attractive as a dying cancer patient in the hospital is and I am not saying that to be insensitive to dying cancer patients, I am saying it to really give you an idea of how unattractive I am. The difference between me and a dying cancer patient is that I am about 300 lbs and they aren’t, but I am probably equally pale despite my native mexican roots. I blame Canada and you should to.

Either way, I am out of the loop, out of practice and confused as fuck so look at these pictures and pretend I never wrote this shit, which won’t be too hard because you probably never read it. Cuddles.

Related Posts

I am – Melanie B’s See Through Shirt of the Day
GO

I am – Mel B’s Upskirt of the Day
GO

I am – Spice Girls are Back Together of the Day
GO

Posted in:Bikini|Melanie Brown|Spice Girl|Tits|Unsorted

2007

07

Aug

I am – Vintage Naked Lisa Marie and Jeff Goldblum on the Beach of the Day

2 Comments »

I didn’t go out last night because i got bubonic plague early monday morning and missed work. Since I slept all day, I was up all night amusing myself. After the batteries died in my vibrator, I decided to try this fake-tan shit. Living in NYC has made me pale as an albino’s balls. Tanning salons are cancer boxes. I used to get brown from running, but I can’t run anymore since i fucked up my knees from giving too much head on hard surfaces as a hooker. And sunbathing is so fucking boring, unless you are at the beach. And I was too hungover to handle more than 20 minutes at the beach in San Diego.

So I stripped and slathered my body with this tanning cream. I made sure to properly smear it into each crevice, to really rub my ass, to massage the lotions deep into my tits. As I was standing in front of the mirror, nude, waiting for the magical golden change, it sounded like the water was running in my studio. Now my apartment is a converted storefront, with basically a garage door for one wall, the kind the shopkeeeper would open and BANG, his store was basically open to the street (luckily there is also a side door so I don’t have to do that). I check for the source of the trickling water, and its not from my shower, which is next to my toilet. It’s not from the toilet, which is next to my sink. And its not from my sink, which is across from my bed…

I notice a puddle of dark liquid leaking from under my garage door wall, exactly in the place where i need to replace the duct tape for when it rains. I smell pee, and I am PISSED. I fling open my side door and start screaming at this homeless junkie taking a leak on my sorta-wall. He stands there stunned. I realize I am still completely naked and lubed up, and we are both caught in this awkward moment. He runs, I go back inside to clean the urine off my floor. My studio still smells like pee and I am not a naked golden goddess… YET.

Here are some vintage pics of Lisa Marie naked with Jeff Goldblum on some beach from a few years ago (it maybe old, but it’s boobs and bush). She has the potential to be a golden goddess, she just needs to even out those white hooters and crotch. She is a patchwork goddess. As for Goldblum, I love him, but thank god for lots of sand. Lisa Marie is best remembered as the hot gum chewing ‘Martian Girl’ in “Mars Attacks!” and hasn’t worked since 2001. Have fun wacking off to Lisa’s still pretty good-look’n bod.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)
EMAIL ME HERE

2007

01

Aug

I am – Amy Alexandra Girl on Girl of the Day

1 Comment »

Amy Alexander

Sugar Nell wrote a fantastic post to go along with these photos, but I have head splitting migraine and in my own confusion, deleted the fucking thing like a retard. I was so mad I hit my computer, and it shut off and didnt turn back on for a little bit. Also brilliant.

You so you get 9 photos (which aren’t even that hardcore, man I hate halfway dykes), and no Related Posts, and I get to curl up in bed and die, or at least sleep for a bit of the afternoon. Which ever comes first.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Posted in:Amy Alexandra|Girl on Girl|Sluts|Tits|Unsorted

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