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Archive for the Bikini Category

2008

23

Jun

Lisa Rinna Bikini Pics of the Day

5 Comments »

I just walked behind an 18 or 19 year old girl who was running her mouth off to her friend about how much she masturbates and how she likes it when her boyfriend cums in her without realizing there were people around her, like most obnoxious motherfuckers who think the world revolves around them and the street is as private as their bedroom since they don’t know the random fuckers around them, but the unfortunate thing about that is that despite not caring about what everyone around them thinks, they don’t bother getting completely naked in public for me to masturbate and cum inside my belly button and they just air their dirty laundry and gossip for all to hear and for no one to care about, and up until today, girls on cell phone conversations never interested me and really just made me want to punch them in their pretty made up faces.

Either way, I hear this cum and masturbate talk coming out of this girl and I start picking up the pace to hear where this is going because it’s likely going to be good and then next thing I know, I’m out of breath because I am a better sitter than walker and she’s turning into McDonald’s and all I can think about how her pussy she speaks so candid about smells like big mac sauce.

The same things run through my head about this Lisa Rinna Bitch as she parades around her plastic face and plastic tits like she’s still on Melrose Place and people actually care, but I have a feeling that she doesn’t have a pussy, she got it sewn up in hopes of being a more true to life representation of Barbie and if she does it smells like Formaldehyde cuz she’s trying to keep shit from wasting away (rotting).

Posted in:Bikini|Lisa Rinna

2008

23

Jun

Cheryl Burke is Dancing With the Stars in a Bikini of the Day

6 Comments »

This girl is a pro dancer who has won the fucking lottery and instead of teaching old ladies at an old folk’s home or teaching bratty rich kids at her local dance studio, a fate almost every other professional dancer ends up in, because dreams of working on Broadway or back up dancing for Britney Spears or touring the world with some kind of dance troop are just drems for most dancers because no one really gives a fuck about them enough to warrant a lot of work in that field and only a few actually make more that 10 dollars an hour with a lifetime of dance training under their belt.

But I have always loved dancing or at least girls dancing and it part of the reason I spend so much time at the strippers. You know that those fit bodies would be fat if they weren’t dancing 8 hours a day, but more importantly you can fantasize about how proper they would fuck you. Dancers just move a lot better, are more flexible, have more endurance and can bounce on a dick harder and more gracefully than a chick who hasn’t been practicing sex moves since she was 6, because dancing is like sex, unless you’re having sex with me, in which case it’s more like a horrible nightmare or war movie.

Point being, Cheryl Burke won the last 2 Dancing with the Stars, she works as one of the dancers who dances with the stars and here she is in a bikini showing off that dancing body you’ve probably been jerking off to the last 3 years because you can’t afford porn and turn to ABC for your orgasms like I used to do back in th TGIF heyday.

Posted in:Bikini|Cheryl Bautista Burke

2008

23

Jun

Miranda Kerr Rocks Out at a Fashion Show of the Day

5 Comments »

Miranda Kerr is a Model. This is her working. Watching me work is far less interesting, unless of course if you like watching obese topless dude in his wife’s underwear because it fits, sweating, smoking cigars and eating while ash and crumbs cover his body and tears roll down his face because his computer is a piece of shit, but not as big of a piece of shit as his life.

Posted in:Bikini|Miranda Kerr

2008

23

Jun

Katherine Heigl is Still in a Bikini of the Day

8 Comments »

I don’t hate fat chicks, I make fat chicks. Over my lifetime, every single girl I have dated has gained weight. They have also managed to muster up the courage to leave me for other dudes after giving up on sex with me, but at least I know that as they try to starve off the weight they gained, that I made a difference in their life.

My wife holds the championship title of weight gain while giving her heart and by heart I mean large list of annoying issues and hangups that managed to surface about 3 months after I entered her life and she felt I was worthy of listening to all her fucking baggage and complaints and has also managed to put on 100 pounds from emotional eating, because I figure you can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves, so to shut her up I just give her pizza.

Point of all this is to say that when I rip into celebrities for being pigs, I don’t mean anything bad from it, sure there’s cellulite and dumpy asses and giving girls the wrong idea that fat can be hot but with cellulite and dumpy ass there is really only hope for hot fat tits and sometimes, fat tits don’t mean really huge nipples that aim to the ground, but usually they do, so girls if you’re out there, starve yourself.

Posted in:Bikini|Katherine Heigl

2008

23

Jun

Helen Hunt is In a Bikini 15 Years Too Late of the Day

5 Comments »

I found myself at an Elementary School graduation ceremony this past weekend, as I tend to do every June. Not because I have kids in Elementary School or because I am some kind of creepy pervert who deserves to be arrested or because I like to scope out the moms and spot the thirteen year old girls who I think are going to turn out hot and discuss it with the father sitting next to me, I go for the free food and drinksthat the parent’s committee has lined up and struggle through the boring all for the brownies, I am pretty committed when it comes to free brownies.

Speaking of free brownies, I realized that those young girls, who aren’t quite kids and not quite adults have a whole lot to look forward to, their lives are like a blank slate ahead of them, and as they cry about moving onto the next phase of their life, I know that some will turn out hot and successful, some will become whores or drug addicts, lesbians or fat but all of that ahead of them is exciting, while all Helen Hunt has to look forward to is death. Here she is in a bikini. Something that reminds me of death. Enjoy.

Posted in:Bikini|Helen Hunt

2008

20

Jun

Alli Sims Bikini Pictures of the Day

5 Comments »

This is a product of the Britney Spears diet. Her name is Alli Simms and during all the break down, K-Fed years they were always seen together. I don’t know much about it other than the fact that she looks like he and Britney had a lot in common, mainly their eating habits because she’s so fuckin’ doughy, you wouldn’t be surprised if you walked in on Britney trying to eat her leg. The good news is that she knows she’s got some pounds to lose and I guess takes the Tyra Banks advice that everyone has a bikini body, just as long as you have a really big piece of fabric to cover your fat ass and stomach up. They call the surrongs, I call them a genius way to cover fat sluts up without them acknowledging that they are fat. Now if only they could find a sexy way to market a Burka so that the ugly bitch you’re fucking covers her busted up mug and thinks she’s just being fashionable. It’ll make things easier for you to get it up.

Posted in:Alli Sims|Bikini

2008

20

Jun

Mary Carey Rocks a Bikini of the Day

7 Comments »

I used to have a hard enough time fucking hookers knowing that they had fucked so many dudes over the course of their career including a dozen before I was up in that shit. That’s why no matter how ragingly horny I was, I would never lick their pussies or kiss them, I would, for the most part, throw on a condom and get to work so that I could go on with my day.

What I don’t understand is how someone can date a pornster unless they are in porn too. Sure pornstars say that they are cleaner than the club sluts you meet because they get tested once a month, but their pussies are more abused that my neighbors daughter who has been raped 8 times and hospitalized because of broken bones from her dad and boyfriends.

I guess the only explination would be that dude’s just a fucking pervert and is obsessed with everything that is porn related and enough to deal with these broken down sluts on a non-sexual level, when he could just hire their pussies for an hour.

Either way, here is Mary Carey and a groupie boyfriend who probably thinks he’s won the lottery, until he relizes that porn stars don’t like sex unless it’s a job, like people who work in ice cream shops and can’t eat ice cream because it loses it’s allure and becomes disgusting but not nearly as disgusting as tasting Mary Carey’s spit.

Posted in:Bikini|Mary Carey

2008

19

Jun

Marla Maples in a Bikini of the Day

10 Comments »

So Marla Maples is on some Phoebe Price, Bai Ling, Heidi Montag kick where she gets press for being in a bikini because she pays the paparazzi to take pictures of her bouncing around like some kind of jackass and I find it offensive, not because she’s a tight bodied old lady trying to show off all the hard work she’s been putting into herself because she has nothing better to do while sitting on piles of Trump money, but because I have a hard enough time getting out of a chair and this nimble athletic wallet fucker is just mocking me….

Posted in:Bikini|Marla Maples

2008

16

Jun

Katherine Heigl is a Pig in Her Bikini of the Day

4 Comments »

I don’t know what the deal with Katherine Heigl is, she is a cunt and she’s not even attractive enough to justify being a cunt. She is however attractive enough to sell me hardware supplies because she’s built like she can carry fuckin’ lumber, but unfortunately she’s too much of a cunt to follow her destiny at the hardware store and managed to work her way into lives of people everywhere through our TVs because TVs are like our family members who don’t get drunk and naked at parties like our other family memebers. Either way, last week this Heigl bitch turned down applying to be nominated for an Emmy, because she knew she wouldn’t get nominated and didn’t want that stain on her career.

It’s a lot like these whores a dude I know tried to hire the other night. He was determined to get a lesbian show and had no interest on fucking the girls or letting the girls fuck him because he just wanted to show his friends a good time. He has a lot more money than any of my other friends, so he calls up these whores from some agency and they come over. When they walk in the door, they see a group of perverts standing around and get fuckin’ stage fright or someshit. They ask the dude paying what he wants them to do, and he tells them he wants a lesbian show. One of them panics and asks if anyone in the room wants full service when they are done the lesbian show and dude says that he just wants the lesbian show. The other one freaks out saying she doesn’t do lesbian shows and my friend asks what the difference between fucking multiple strangers all night and licking your friend’s pussy is and she just said she was on the rag and ran out of the apartment. You know every

Posted in:Bikini|Katherine Heigl|Pig

2008

16

Jun

Alex Curran is Rockin’ a Bikini Again of the Day

5 Comments »

I don’t know who this clubslut who landed a soccer player is, but I have posted on her and her sloppy body in the past and I figure I should do it again, because she is still in her bikini, which isn’t a huge surprise considering all these soccer wives are always in their fucking bikinis as they spend their husbands money and drink their champagne and pump out babies because it makes for a better life than my life which isn’t saying much considering the dude with one-eye who works at my gas station where I buy chocolate milk has a better life than me.

I had a little altercation with a clubslut the other night. I was running my mouth off, teasing her about being Jewish and said that she gave me a blowjob in summer camp because I could tell she was a slut and would have to dig back into her archives of dicks she’s sucked. She was in her mid-30s and highly affected by the Sex in the City revolution and probably has been suckin dick or well over 20 years. really worked in her favor, except for the whole being alone while all her friends have families of their own and are at home breast feeding while she’s out railing lines off the toilet seat at shitty clubs or outside talking to the likes of me and taking home random man after random man until one of them is lonely enough to stick with her.

Anyway, she took offense to me teasing her for being a slut and asked me if I always rip on hot girls and what the fuck my hatred for hot chicks is all about and that is when I said that her theory would have a lot more bearing if she was actually a hot chick and I saw her little ego crumple before my eyes.

Her initial response was obviously to call me out for being fat and bitter and that she didn’t care about what I had to say because I was fat and I would never have a chance with her and my opinion was void, but the truth is that anyone can tell themselves that they are hot, but it doesn’t mean they are in fact hot and should be happy when someone is nice enough to tell them that they really don’t have it going on. It’s a lot better than the constant lies she falls for from various men who tell her she’s hot to get in her pants but don’t ever call her back once they are out of her pants, because the only thing hot abut her is that she’s drunk, has a vagina and is lookin’ for love.

In a lot of ways, I was just being a nice guy.

Posted in:Alex Curran|Alex Curran Bikini|Bikini