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Archive for the Lesbian Category

2008

May

Joss Stone Lesbian Kiss in Some Movie of the Day

I was hanging out with some man-hating girl the other day. She wasn’t a lesbian and had no interest in ever being a lesbian and claimed that she never even kissed a girl before, which I had trouble believing since every girl has kissed a girl but she was pretty convincing.

The reason she hates men is because she’s convinced that all men cheat and can’t be trusted with her vagina so instead of having sex and just livin’ in the moment, she’s got all these hang-ups and just doesn’t fuck, but does let guys buy her booze in bars that she dresses up in party dresses to go to because she hates men enough to look good for them and get attention from them.

I tried telling her that girls cheat too and got into a huge discussion of mass-generalizations about how guys get used to fuckin’ their wives and don’t venture out to fuck other girls because it takes work and we are lazy and the only time we do end up cheating is when a girl throws herself at us because we can’t say no. I went onto say that girls are the keeper of sex because they have the vagina and when they are sexual peaking in their 30s they are lookin’ for some romantic fantasy shit they masturbate too, while dudes just masturbate to porn and it’s all physical.

I went on to blame the media for making guys look out to be assholes because that’s my default argument when trying to get a man-hating woman to show me her tits. I also told her that I blame the media for me not wanting to fuck my wife because after seeing an Episode of Roseanne where the Connors make sexual references or touch each other, it makes you never want to touch a fat woman ever again, despite how easy they always are.

Either way, here’s Joss Stone on set of her new movie kissing a girl because lesbianism is in right now and I am totally down with watching it, even if I know the girls are drunk and just want attention.

BONUS – Some High Tea action of Joss Stone With Elton John on Set

Posted in:Joss Stone|Lesbian

2008

May

Lohan’s Lesbian Ass of the Day

8 Comments »

So it turns out that Lohan’s lesbian cock is some David Spade-lookin’ motherfucker and she’s grabbing onto Lohan’s coattails as hard as her little lesbian hands can because she wants all the exposure she can get while Lohan’s letting her lick her pussy. Samanth Ronson is a fuckin’ mess of a person and the reason she went dyke is obviously because dudes refused to get up in that all her life but girls are more forgiving and find beauty in shit kinda like drunk guys. Either way, here’s Lohan and her David Spade latch-on.

Posted in:Ass|Lesbian|Linday Lohan

2008

Apr

Lohan’s Lesbian Sex Eyes of the Day

1 Comment »

Lindsay Lohan is giving me sex eyes and I like it. I don’t think she’s as haggard as people like to say she is. She looks good and I want to fuck the Herpes out of her, unfortunately this Samantha Ronson lesbian coke-slut is cock-blocking me. She’s on my Facebook and every time I message her asking for Lohan’s phone number she ignores me. I know while she’s preventing me from stealing Lohan from her because I am substantially cooler, she’s running off her lesbian penis hating mouth to a broken down Lohan. with rants of how the penis is to blame for all your problemsand how she should turn to the pussy because it doesn’t break you down…all while feeding Lohan lines of cocaine…and cashing in on her vulnerability when her peer pressure actually leads to lickin’ Lohan pussy.

I think the highlight of these pictures is how Ronson puts her cigarette in her lesbian hat, like she can’t keep it in a pack in her pocket like the rest of the world, she’s gotta go to the next step towards lesbianism where she feels like a fuckin’ construction worker while she pulls it out from the back of her ear and into her mouth as a group of hot girls walk by and they whistle and cat-call while grabbing their balls.

Posted in:Lesbian|Lindsay Lohan|Sex

2008

Apr

Ellen Page’s Lesbian Groceries of the Day

12 Comments »

So if you’re wondering what young lesbians buy when they grocery shopping in their lesbian jeans and lesbian converse shoes with their ratty lesbian hair, you’re prayers have just been answered and you’ll be shocked to find that it is all organic vegetables since lebsians like Ellen Page aren’t known for being environmentalist, tree hugging hippies that take themselves too seriously and listens to music with a meaning bullshits. The good news is that they also buy cucumber, oversized carrots and bananas to use in the bedroom when the mouth to pussy action just doesn’t bring the satisfaction you’d want it to.

The truth is I am all for first time lesbian fantasies where 2 young girls explore each other’s bodies during some kind of high school sleep over that leads to them going at it in the shower but it pretty much ends there. When I watch lesbian porn, there’s just no closure and I am always waiting for the stepfather to walk in on the little sluts to break it up by having them both suck him off at the same time. Either way, that kind of lesbianism is a lot better than Ellen Page kind of lesbianism, because she’s all high maintenance and has a bush.

Posted in:Ellen Page|Groceries|Lesbian

2008

Apr

Dita Von Teese Lesbian Sex Tape of the Day

31 Comments »

Here’s a video that’s surfaced, but is probably from a while ago, of Dita Von Teese dyking out on video with a strap on. I hate Dita Von Teese, she does tame bullshit burlesque shit and looks like a vampire from the 1800s and that makes me feel uncomfortable because all I keep thinking is that bitch doesn’t wash, has the plague and shit’s in a chamber pot in her brothel boudoir or some shit.

I don’t know if this is news because I feel like I’ve seen her pussy before but blocked it out of my mind because I knew she was fucking Marilyn Manson. I remember she did Playboy and was internet famous before her celebrity really hit and now you can watch her rockin a strap on because lesbians may not be cool enough to fuck you, but when they let you watch them go at it, they are are better than all the other girls who don’t fuck you and unfortunately a hell of a lot better lookin than the lesbians I know who want to rip my dick off in some kind of victorious win for women everywhere, but that’s not really saying much because those lesbians are taking male hormones and have hair on their chests and clits the size of a really small penis. True story.

Here’s the Article
GO

Posted in:Dita Von Teese|Lesbian|Porn|Sex Tape|Video

2008

Mar

Lohan and Her Lesbian Cock of the Day

9 Comments »

I wonder who the fuck raped or molested Samantha Ronson when she was younger to make her end up like this creepy drug addicted lookin’ lesbian in a hat. I guess there is a chance that she wasn’t molested or raped and it is just a genetic issue. I’m thinking that maybe there wasn’t enough female DNA to go around in her mother’s broken womb, because it all went into Mark Ronson’s singing, and Samantha Ronson got stuck with the short end of the stick, literally, because bitch was born without the penis she wished she had….

Either way, she’s hanging with my internet mother Lohan, because she looks old enough to be my mother, which wouldn’t stop me from getting her herpes all over my face and my seed all over her uterus in hopes of having a genetic freak like Ronson of our own.

I am not sure why Samantha Ronson is creepin’ on Lohan, but I know she’s up to no good. She looks like the dude from the Frosty the Snowman cartoon who was trying to steal Frosty’s hat and ultimately killed him…and I feel like Ronson is up on that which means that they are either fucking, or doing drugs together, when they really should be shoppin’ for clothes together because Samantha Ronson’s needs a new look, but is more into drinkin’ beer, huffin lines, watchin’ football and fuckin’ bitches with her clown sneakers on….what she doesn’t realize is that just because she fucks bitches and is a bitch doesn’t mean she has the right to dress like a dude, if you have a vagina, you should be a lady who dresses like a lady even if you fuck ladies.

Either way, I messaged Ronson on Facebook for an official statement about these pictures, she ignored me. Maybe she was jerking off to porn and changing the oil on her car after building a shed in her backyard, like the dude that she is, or maybe she was out trying to ruin Lohan more than she already has by riding Lohan’s fame until Lohan self-destructs as Ronson shovels cocaine up both their noses….

I’ve spent too much time writing this post and it sucks. I need a nap.

Posted in:Lesbian|Lindsay Lohan|Nipples|Samantha Ronson

2008

Mar

Ellen Page is a Lesbian on Saturday Night Live of the Day

5 Comments »

I don’t watch Saturday Night Live because I don’t find it funny and because I don’t have a TV. Comedy sketches remind me of the weird Drama club in high school and the only thing those girls were good at was giving had jobs after convincing them that it will help them with their role in Romeo and Juliette. Knowing what a dick feels like makes the intensity of their performance more believable or some shit.

Either way, here’s lesbian Ellen Page doing a lesbian coming out of the closet skit on Saturday Night Live that didn’t make me laugh because there’s nothing funny about gay jokes, except when a group of homophobe frat boys get drunk and bust out the closet case jokes and make each other suck each other’s dicks or cum on crackers collectively while 5 of their buddies gangbang a cheerleader, because to a closet case, it’s not homo if there’s at least one vagina in the room.

I guess the lesson in this video is that if you don’t want a lesbian daughter, don’t name her Ellen.

Posted in:Ellen Page|Lesbian|Saturday Night Live

2008

Feb

Heidi Klum Makes Lesbian Jokes with Lesbians of the Day

1 Comment »

Heidi Klum was on Ellen today and they decided to get to the kitchen, I guess now that they’ve made it, they are going back to their womanly duties and headin’ back to their home in the kitchen to make the food for the family….well at least Heidi is, Ellen is too busy adjusting the prosthetic penis in her pants while tying a tie and shaving her mustache while reading the paper….

Either way, they are making meatballs and the obvious ball jokes came up about balls because let’s face it, when you’re making meatballs, what else is there to joke about. I am all for obvious jokes, they are always the easiest to come up with and the only jokes I know and whenever I drop them everyone gives me dirty looks, but that’s usually because I am pissing myself at the same time. It’s part of the act.

Either way, Heidi asks Ellen if she’s ever had balls, and Ellen says it’s been a while because she’s a lesbian….get it? I think Heidi was probably referring to in her pants, because that bitch is more masculine than you. It looks like Ellen just busted nut all over her lesbian pant suit like a 14 year old boy with his first playboy…

Posted in:Balls|Ellen|Heidi Klum|Lesbian

2007

Nov

I am – Pink is a Man in a Bikini of the Day

1 Comment »

I am sure it’s tedious for you 6 assholes to read that Pink is a man, or that Pink is a lesbian, or that Pink is a bull dyke with a plastic dick she straps on and poses in front of the mirror with, stoking it while screaming and crying to god asking why he wronged her the way he did by blessing her with the gift of song and success but cheating her out of the one thing she really wanted…a dick, because I am tired of writing about it.

Lesbians generally don’t like me. The other week I met some girl who hadn’t been with a man in 5 years and I was working some drunken angle trying to convince her to make out with me. I have a thing about breaking people down and getting them to get busy with me, considering I smell like feces and am obese and she was convinced she was a ‘mo, I thought it’d be a challenge and despite being a lazy motherfucker, sometimes, alcohol makes me ambitious.

Anyway, I got the lesbian to make out with me and I was suckin’ her tit in the bar, but then she realized what she was doing and fucked off, never to be seen again, until the other day, when I had to shit and ran into some organic food restaurant because it was the nearest place and I figured organic hippie lesbians assholes would embrace my shit and want to get some use out of their composting toilets so that they can use my shit to help fertilize their organic garden next summer,

I walk in and the lesbian who’s tit I sucked was working the fuckin’ cash. I said hello and asked to use the washroom and she looked at me with disgust and asked me to leave. I guess she didn’t want a round 2, I would have totally let her play with my vagina-lookin’ broken penis.

BONUS – Pink Walking

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2007

Oct

I am – Lucy Lawless Dressed Like a Dude of the Day

1 Comment »

I decided to post these because I always thought bitch was a dyke and I know you used to get off to her broad shoulders, so it’s always funny when the girl you used to jerk off to while watching her on the warrior princess show and reading your comics has decided to go through with the sex change because she was born a man on the inside, like Jamie Lee Curtis. Wearing a man’s shirt and tie is just phase one of letting the world know that it’s coming.

Speaking of cumming, I used to date a hermaphrodite or at least a girl who jokingly told me she was a hermaphrodite over and over again, until I started believing she was opening up to me, and tried to play it off as a joke to gauge my reaction. She had all her lady parts in place and looked like a thin, relatively sexy girl with big natural tits and an ass you could bounce your dick off, but it turned out that ass you could bounce your dick off was packing a dick. Because when she was a baby they found testicles and a prostate in her ass. I never asked if they were removed, I just kept trying to forget that she ever told me shit and tried to believe it was a joke because every time I’d freak out about it, she’d convince me it was a lie, but still every time i’d fuck her normal, functioning vagina, I’d get uncomfortable, but not uncomfortable enough to not bust all over her. Maybe she wasn’t really a hermaphrodite and she was too hot to not fuck and maybe she was just a girl who was fucking with my head 6 months into me slamming her, but in my mind I banged a hermaphrodite and that makes me as weird as you. Cuddles.

Either way, I only like lipstick lesbians and hot chicks experimenting with lesbianism. Bull dykes are just too damaged from being raped or molested or from being fat and ugly that they’ve denounced men and our superficiality. I’d rather put the bull dykes in their flannel and leather and denim and construction boots and strap-on’s with their lesbian haircuts on their motorcycles so that they can ride into the sunset, as fucking far away from me as possible.

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