Tits Archives - Page 71 of 79 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2007

05

Jul

I am – Lindsay Lohan Bikini Pictures of the Day

Here are some pictures of Lindsay Lohan in a bikini while taking some time off of rehab to enjoy the beach like anyone who has an addiction and is supposed to be being treated would. It’s like fuck counseling the sun is out, men with abs are waiting with booze and drugs at the Mailbu home, rehab can wait til it’s raining out.

I was talking to someone about Lindsay Lohan, well not actually talking to them, I’m not into talking about celebrities in my free time but I do listen to people talk about celebrities. This time it happened to come up when we were in line at the grocery store. I was buying cans of Chili because they are probably the best meal you can buy with 59 cents. Either way this married mother was talking to her friend about how much Lohan has pulled her shit together and how she’s so inspiring. I was thinking to myself that this shit is all for show. What do you think the lawyer’s number one argument for her DUI driving case is? That she’s cleaned up. So while she is seemingly in rehab sometimes and she is seemingly getting better because she goes on hikes, rides tricycles and cancels vodka sponsored parties and wears bikinis looking well rested and big breasted, the public is already warming up to this skank.

I remember when I knew a girl who used to let everyone fuck her. She seriously had sex with any guy she came across and one day she announced that she was a born again virgin. She joined all these stupid support groups for virgins that you all probably know about, she didn’t have sex for about 5 weeks, but every day in those 5 weeks I had to hear about it from someone. Reality is she went back to working cock after those 5 weeks, nothing really changed, but for those 5 weeks, bitch wasn’t looked at like a herpes ridden whore everyone knew she was, people looked at her with a whole different wholesome attitude. I knew all along that it was false hope and I’d tell my buddies over and over again that she’d be back, because her addiction to the cock was a lot more important to her than her need to be respected and heard….I was right.

Point of that story is to say that Lohan is keeping up appearances, trying to save face, trying to regain the trust of employers, trying to regain the trust of the public, trying to have a sold case in court all by taking a break from the parties for a little while, but I know that she is still nothing but a coke addicted whore. The old Lohan will be back….in the meantime her tits look fucking stacked and rehab or not, lies or not, I’m still gonna look at ’em.

Posted in:Bikini|Lindsay Lohan|Rehab|Tits|Unsorted

2007

05

Jul

I am – Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carey on the Beach of the Day

7 Comments »

Here are some pictures of Hollywood “POWER” Couple, Jim Carey and Jenny McCarthy on the beach holding hands and they freak me the fuck out. These two look like they are brother and sister and I don’t normally have any skills at spotting similarities in people. I am also not very good at remembering names, secret handshakes or anything I do after about 1 drink because I am convinced my liver gave out on me a few years ago and shit goes straight to my head like I was an anorexic 15 year old girl at my first club.

Either way, incest freaks me out so much that I even had a dream, some may call it a fantasy about it the other day. In the dream, I walked in on a brother and sister having sex. I was into watching them fuck at first because I am a voyeur but when I realized that they were two people I knew who were related I freaked the fuck out. When I confronted them they said that their parents were brother and sister and that their grandparents were brother and sister and they were just doing what they knew. It was a weird fucking dream that I have no idea where it came from but it made me stop asking people I know if they would bang their sister. I know talking about dreams is as gay as it gets but when incest is involved I just can’t keep it to myself.

When I was younger I met this dude who used to brag to us about how he took his sister’s cherry. He was kind of an idiot farmer and thought we’d think he was cool but shit was just too twisted for me to grasp. He would tell us that he would sneak into her room at night and have his way with her and she was totally into it. He would brag about how accessible it was and how we were all a bunch of virgin idiots who didn’t know that the prize was so close to home. I never knew what happened to that dude, because he ended up getting caught and sent away so don’t let Jim Carey and Jenny McCarthy trick you into thinking this shit’s ok just because they are famous, how big her tits are or no matter how much you think that you’re the hottest thing out there and the only thing good enough for you is a bitch who looks like you….and remember no matter how long your hair is and no matter how many punk rock t-shirts you wear, you’re never hardcore when wearing schpants….

2007

05

Jul

I am – Hilary Duff Bikini Pictures of the Day

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When I think of Hilary Duff in a bikini, I think of a time when she was underage and people would send me hate mail for calling her a slut in training and now I pat myself on the back because we know that no self respecting girl would whore out half naked on the beach with her sister and men with their hard nipples for dirtbag internet weirdos like you to get all hot and bothered over, meaning that I was right and since that rarely happens it makes me happy.

When I think of Hilary Duff I always think of that fucker that she dated. He is the DJ AM of rock music and that means he is even gayer than bicycles shorts partially because he’s dropped load in DJ AM’s sloppy useless seconds but also because he’s an overpaid monkey that doesn’t deserve to be where he’s at who wears monkey and is more into watching his twin brother bang chicks than banging them himself. I guess it’s just like watching himself in action.

I used to think that twins fucking each other wasn’t gay, I never thought about 2 dudes fucking each other, just the lesbian way because I was involved with a girl who had a twin and I always tried to get them to fuck, but they wouldn’t they weren’t the kind of twins you see in playboy.

Hilary’s sister is not her twin, she is the ugly version of her but she’s riding her fucking coat tails. I would still watch them bang because I have no standards but am happy that bitch kept her shirt on because I can only take so much DUFFGUSTING in one day. That’s my lame blogger name for these cunts because it seems to be what lame bloggers do and I am just trying to fit in.

Speaking of fitting in, I have a feeling that dude gave Hilary Duff a bit of a complex, when you leave your chick for someone who looks like a little boy, it’s gotta hurt somewhere, either leading her to anorexia or to throwing in the towel and emotionally eating her way out of it. By looking at these pictures I couldn’t tell you if bitch is fatter than before but she does have more tit, maybe it’s because she’s a late bloomer, maybe it’s because she went on the pill to prevent getting knocked up by some loser she knew was a loser but stuck with him anyway, maybe she should of used condoms because he probably gave her some HPV, HSV, HIV or something else he picked up on the road while banging dudes who looked like chick, but bigger tits is good enough reason to support her half assed music career, her half assed acting career by staring at these pictures of her playing in the sand like a person who lost their childhood to Disney. Another reason to like her is because she let’s fat hairy dudes who are too shy to take their shirts off at the beach hang with her and that pretty much describes all of you, so if she supports your kind, you should support hers. I learned that when I was overcoming my hatred of homosexuals.

2007

04

Jul

I am – Ashley Tisdale in a Bikini Again of the Day

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Here’s that little High School Musical dirtbag rockin’ another bikini and making a sand castle like she was 7. I think Disney probably puts shit in their craft services cart that keeps the staff young. I call it Peter Pan Never Never Land sauce because Walt Disney was into little kids. It takes more than a man with a dream to make a magical land, it takes a man who likes kids a little too much, but it was a different era then and it made him rich and since rich people are untouchable I guess that shit will never get out, but I will tell you this, Walt Disney molested my Grandmother, at least that the story she always told us. She was also insane and never left Mexico so it probably never happened but every time she’d see one of us with some knock off Disney toy she’d go on a fucking rampage and shake in the corner for an hour crying.

I lived in this small town and in the small down was some weird magical village some creep made himself and marketed as a local amusement park with clowns, a petting zoo, one of those bouncy castles, and a few half ass activities like one water slide, a playground and some other games and shit. I never went because I don’t do that shit. Either way, he had been running it since the 60′, the golden era for theme parks and they ended up shutting him down in the 90s for some dirty shit that I think people should be shot over.

Either way, looking at these pictures of a 22 year old who looks young teen is some legal shit, at least she’s not fat and I can handle lookin at her in a Bikini even if she thinks she’s 7. Happy 4th of July you American fucks.

2007

03

Jul

I am – Lindsay Lohan Celebrates her Birthday in a Bikini of the Day

1 Comment »

Lindsay Lohan celebrated her 21st birthday out of rehab with her friends and coke addicted mom in a bikini, when I was in rehab i was told to stay away from the enablers or old friends that didn’t want to make the same changes in their life as I had. It meant dropping everyone I knew and partied with but I guess that rule doesn’t apply when the bitch who fed you cocaine when you were a teenager was your mom. The biggest supporter of the drug was the person you turned to for life advice. I don’t have proof of that shit, but I think it’s pretty obvious.

Either way, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree or whatever that expression is, so it’s safe to say that Lohan has a life of addiction ahead of her, but so do most of us, unfortunately not all of us look have as much money as her for the shit to not ruin our lives. We also aren’t as good lookin’ as she is when she does it. It’s not that I think Lohan is hot but she’s hotter than you and even though that’s not saying much it’s saying something.

I remember I had a friend who got his mom hooked on meth with him. He was doing it for about a year until she caught him doing it and freaked the fuck out. He told her that it was diet medicine and before you could say “bust out the pipe” this middle aged suburban woman was smoking meth with him. The dad had no idea what was going on, but he didn’t complain when the house was cleaner than it ever was, her body was thinner than it was when they married, there was always big feasts cooked and dude felt like he had a new lease on life and on his marriage. He had never been happier until she emptied the bank account and ran off with her drug dealer. My friend ended up going to rehab, getting back on track, landed a good job and a wife and shit but never heard from his mother again, she’s probably sucking dick on the streets near you, so next time you hire a 60 year old drug addicted whore, you can thank him for hookin’ you up, because if she never did meth with him 10 years ago, she’d never be taking your load on her face.

I guess that’s a pretty sad story, but them’s the breaks.

Bonus

Lohan Running On Beach Almost Losing Her Top Over the Weekend
GO

2007

02

Jul

I am – Eva Longoria Bachelorette Party in St Tropez of the Day

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Eva Longoria is in Europe preparing for her wedding or getting married or on her honeymoon or for some reason that doesn’t really matter because whatever she’s doing, she’s rocking a bikini. I was never a big fan of Eva Longoria, probably because I am Mexican and I am not into my own kind. All I see when I look at her is my grandmother, a short stalky bitch making tortillas for her 8 kids in our ratty ass kitchen when I was 5. I just assume that’s where Longoria will end up and although I loved my grandmother, I never really wanted to marry her or bang her if you know what I mean.

I used to hang out with this black dude who was stealing money from the store he was night manager at. He used to take us out to stripclubs every single night and pay for everything. He told us that his mother had died and left him a couple hundred thousand dollars and that he wanted to spend it on having a good time. I didn’t feel guilty about letting him blow all his money on us because I figured I was therapeutic to him and if you want my company you just have to take me to the strippers. Either way, I am not a heartless asshole and when dude finally got arrested I felt relieved that the money he was spending wasn’t his to begin with, it made all those drunken nights a lot more fun to be a part of because the guilt was gone.

Anyway, dude used to get so fucking mad when black strippers would get up on stage. He wanted more out of his people and thought they were just living a cliche. The condition of going out with him was to pay no attention to the black strippers because shit personally offended him. I feel the same way about Longoria, she’s a disgrace to our people but at least she’s rockin’ a camel toe showing off that her taco isn’t as meaty as the tacos she grew up on.

2007

02

Jul

I am – Rebecca Gayheart Topless on a Yacht of the Day

31 Comments »

I always rag on the paparazzi for being sleazy fucks hiding in the bushes because part of me think they are assholes for suing people like me for posting the images and part of my sympathizes with the famous people who don’t have much of a private life, even though they make tons of money and want to be in the public eye and pretty much sold their souls to the world so that this kind of thing is considered alright, but I guess I can’t really hate them when they pull through with hot topless pics of some actress no one cares about on her Yacht in Italy. That means that some motherfucker got on a boat and followed them out to wherever the fuck they are to get pics of bitch on her boat topless and that takes some serious fucking effort. If I was walking down the street I wouldn’t have any idea who she was and I wouldn’t think twice about following her around with a camera, so I guess these paparazzi assholes have a place in the world.

What I love about girls is that they get fucking horny when they are in the sun and in bikinis. The first 30 minutes they are all shy and uncomfortable with people lookin’ at their bodies so they cover up a little, walk around with a towel, don’t take off their shirt when they are supposed to, but then they stop caring get used to being half naked and the party starts. Eventually tops come up, blow jobs are given and you’re on the set of a fucking porno without understanding how the fuck it happened. I don’t spend enough time with girls in bikinis, but I know how things are….

I always wanted a life where I was around naked chicks on yachts drinking cocktails all day, it seems like that is what living is all about, so while Rebecca Gayheart gives us a taste of the life we’ll never live, I can’t help but hate her for not inviting me.

2007

02

Jul

I am – Natalie Reid the Paris Hilton Impersonator's Tits of the Day

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This is some creepy fucking shit. Paris Hilton has some crazy look-alike who is now attending events and making a name for herself as the bitch who looks like Paris Hilton. Her name is Natalie Reid and the whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable, even though she’s showin’ off a little tit.

This girl wakes up every morning thinking to hersel about how she can be more like Paris, she gets her hair done to look like Paris, she watches video and interviews to talk like Paris, she has probably got plastic surgery to look more like Paris and if Paris wasn’t famous, this would probably be illegal.

To put things in perspective, imagine someone you know, like a neighbor or someone you work with you a friend decides to make themselves look like you. They start off small like getting the same haircut, then they start wearing the same clothes and as time goes on they look almost like your twin brother. You would freak the fuck out, possibly call the cops, get a restraining order or beat the motherfucker up.

In an unrelated story, I was walking by the Salvation Army depot yesterday night and saw some dude with a stick fishing for clothes out of the drop off bins they have set up. I thought to myself that motherfucker was crafty because he was eliminating the middle man and getting shit people drop off for free, before the Salvation Army gets their money grubbing hands on this free shit to start selling it to turn a huge profit. I thought to myself that I wanted to be like that guy because he was smart, enterprising and well dressed, but was too lazy to go through with it, because getting my leg amputated, a wheelchair and losing about 70 lbs is a lot more effort than I wanted to put into things. I decided to just ride out these jogging pants til they either melt or become fused to my skin and that’s all I have to say about that because I figure that trying to figure out why anyone would want to look like Paris Hilton would really be impossible to do and I am not ambitious enough to take on the impossible.

Posted in:Impersonator|Natale Reid|Paris Hilton|Tits|Unsorted

2007

02

Jul

I am – Natalie Reid the Paris Hilton Impersonator’s Tits of the Day

16 Comments »

This is some creepy fucking shit. Paris Hilton has some crazy look-alike who is now attending events and making a name for herself as the bitch who looks like Paris Hilton. Her name is Natalie Reid and the whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable, even though she’s showin’ off a little tit.

This girl wakes up every morning thinking to hersel about how she can be more like Paris, she gets her hair done to look like Paris, she watches video and interviews to talk like Paris, she has probably got plastic surgery to look more like Paris and if Paris wasn’t famous, this would probably be illegal.

To put things in perspective, imagine someone you know, like a neighbor or someone you work with you a friend decides to make themselves look like you. They start off small like getting the same haircut, then they start wearing the same clothes and as time goes on they look almost like your twin brother. You would freak the fuck out, possibly call the cops, get a restraining order or beat the motherfucker up.

In an unrelated story, I was walking by the Salvation Army depot yesterday night and saw some dude with a stick fishing for clothes out of the drop off bins they have set up. I thought to myself that motherfucker was crafty because he was eliminating the middle man and getting shit people drop off for free, before the Salvation Army gets their money grubbing hands on this free shit to start selling it to turn a huge profit. I thought to myself that I wanted to be like that guy because he was smart, enterprising and well dressed, but was too lazy to go through with it, because getting my leg amputated, a wheelchair and losing about 70 lbs is a lot more effort than I wanted to put into things. I decided to just ride out these jogging pants til they either melt or become fused to my skin and that’s all I have to say about that because I figure that trying to figure out why anyone would want to look like Paris Hilton would really be impossible to do and I am not ambitious enough to take on the impossible.

Posted in:Impersonator|Natale Reid|Paris Hilton|Tits|Unsorted

2007

29

Jun

I am – Jessica Simpson Tits in a Blue Dress of the Day

11 Comments »

So I was at the drug store buying some hemorrhoid cream for my wife. I wish she was one of those hollywood type that uses the shit on the bags under her eyes, but no, I landed myself a woman with asshole problems. She’s gone to the doctor about it a few times and she blames her pregnancy almost 18 years ago on her asshole problems, but reality is that bitch eats like shit, is insanely overweight and takes the longest shits ever.

I used to live with a guy who made a ritual out of shitting. He would get his porn magazine, or book, or whatever he was in the mood to read, he’d bring his weed and papers and a pack of cigarettes to role a joint and smoke while shitting, sometimes he’d bring a can of coke or bag of chips and he’d spend the afternoon in the bathroom shitting. He called it his alone time like he was a middle aged man who’s only escape from his wife and kids is when he shits. Either way, my wife puts him to shame and unlike him, she’s not hovering over her shit doing a crossword puzzle and drinking a cocktail, she is actually there trying to empty out her fucking ass womb.

Either way, she has hemorrhoids and I had to go to the drug store to get the meds and saw the tabloids and since I write this site, I notice the tabloids and they were all praising Jessica Simpson for her recent drop in 20 lbs over the last 2 months. What they didn’t praise was John Mayer for dumping her fat ass making her forced to work out to get back into the dating scene in hopes of making him kick himself in the ass for dropping such a prized piece of ass while he’s fucking some smokin’ hot local chick in every town he tours because they think he’s some kind of god.

I don’t know if that came across like it sounded when I said it, but here are Jessica Simpson’s rockin’ tits, slimmer body and all that bullshit you like.

Posted in:cleavage|Jessica Simpson|Tits|Unsorted

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