DrunkenStepFather.com - I'll Make You Famous…

2009

10

Jul

Monica Cruz is in Ibiza in a Bikini of the Day

Monica Cruz is in a bikini in Ibiza and I’m not. She is the bootleg version of Penelope Cruz/her younger sister, only she comes without the offensively big nose and has a better body, but you know is insecure as shit because she lives her life in the shadow of her Oscar winning sister, meaning her inadequacies in life convert nicely into over compensation when sucking on a dick. Keep aiming to please, maybe one day you’ll figure out a way to come out on top and beat your cunt sister you pretend to love, but deep down inside know you hate…

Posted in:Bikini|Ibiza|Monica Cruz

2009

10

Jul

Lindsay Lohan’s Legs Keepin Busy of the Day

6 Comments »

I like tracking Lohan’s whereabouts because I feel a connection with her, you know we both like pussy, we both have rancid genitals and neither of us have work or anything to do with our time, or anything going for us, I am a waste of space with no talent, while she’s just had her time to shine and the only real difference between us is I am broke and too lazy to wander the streets, so I turn to the internet to post random shit no one reads, while she goes out and spends all her child star money on useless shit.

Posted in:Legs|Lindsay Lohan|Shopping

2009

10

Jul

Hilary Duff Goin to the Gym of the Day

14 Comments »

Hilary Duff should sue whatever gym she’s leaving because it looks like they are ripping her off, you know taking her money despite every day she weighs in a couple pounds heavier, I guess it could be because she’s settling down in a relationship, or maybe she’s sad and eating away her pain, or maybe she’s just rebelling against all fitness and healthy diet after the pressure she’s had all these years to not be her naturally fat self and instead trick the world into thinking she was some tight bodied teen. I’m sure you’ve all seen it all before, you know running into the hot young girl you jerked off to 10 years after the fact and not even recognizing her because she was a fat, sloppy piece of shit 30 year old pig, only with in Hilary Duff’s case, we get to watch the slow and steady demise, so take it in when you can as shit is only gonna get worse…..

Posted in:Gym|Hilary Duff

2009

10

Jul

Aubrey O’Day’s Twitter Underwear Pics of the Day

4 Comments »

Aubrey O’Day is in some trashy Vegas show that Lindsay Lohan is supposed to be in, where these half talented bitches run around in their underwear, singing and dancing because they can’t land real record deals and concert tours because their time has come and gone already, and she decided to post some pictures on Twitter, because when you’re an attention whore, that’s kind of part of what you do, and these are the pics.

Posted in:Aubrey O'Day|Twitter

2009

10

Jul

Dakota Fanning and Her Meat of the Day

3 Comments »

Dakota Fanning is 15 or 16 now, which is right around the age girls start fuckin’ around with meat….you know shovin’ meat in their mouths on summer vacation under the boardwalk when on a family vacation at the beach, or maybe at summer camp with one of the counselor’s, or even with an older guy they met when out at a bar they got into with fake ID one night, but Dakota Fanning, the Michael Jackson of her generation, you know robbed of a childhood and acting like a 45 year old at the age of 6, always in front of a camera and in the public’s eye, but never an Academy Award winner, just gets down with meat on set of her new movie like nobody’s watching. What a slut. I wonder what her mother would think if she wasn’t too busy spending the money she’s stole from Dakota over the last 14 years.

Posted in:Dakota Fanning|Meat|Robe

2009

10

Jul

Christian Audigier Livin’ The Cheesy Bro Life of the Day

2 Comments »

As much as I hate everything Ed Hardy. From the napkin throwing twats dancing to dance music like they were in Ibiza while drinking their bottles pullin some 9 to 5 millionaire bullshit with their credit card that they’ll have to pay off eventually while wearing their insanely offensively priced and designed T-shirts that are louder than the shitty dance music they are pumpin their fists to in unison, you gotta give Christian Audigier some credit for being authentic to his cause or at least authentic enough to publicly come across as the leader of this twat movement and not tone things down because lookin’ like total cunts is the brand’s philosophy and Audigier won’t fuck with that cuz he has the best scam goin’…..and here he is with a girl in her bikini….

Posted in:Christian Audigier|Ed Hardy|Lame|Twats

2009

10

Jul

Hayden Panettiere In Details Wearing a Bikini of the Day

3 Comments »

Hayden Panettiere would like to thank the photoshop artist for removing her Adam’s Apple and her scrotum pussy lip slip in this bikini photoshoot for Details. I’m not saying she’s a man, I’m just saying she’s got more testosterone than a man and that slowly makes her body transform into some hybrid gender. The good news is that despite the impending male pattern baldness, she’s got the sex drive of a fuckin’ 30 year old fat chick who hasn’t been fucked since she was 18 and has been wanting to ever since, and it doesn’t make you gay, even when she makes you suck her clit like it was a preschooler’s dick. I don’t know how I feel about using “prechooler’s dick” in a sentence, but I just did it. I guess I’m crazy.

Posted in:Bikini|Details|Hayden Panettiere

2009

10

Jul

Some Bullshit Gossip Girl in Stupid Shorts of the Day

2 Comments »

Her name is Jessica Szohr which pretty much makes her my soulmate because I have szohr’s all over my cock, szohr’s that look like her ugly Charlie Brown shorts that probably cost more than everything I own combined, but in my defense, I don’t really own anything, I’m born to roam and mooch off my lonely and desperate wife.

Posted in:Gossip Girl|Jessica Szohr|Shorts

2009

10

Jul

Elle Macpherson in her Party Dress of the Day

5 Comments »

Elle Macpherson, like the expired milk in my fridge, is no longer in her prime. She doesn’t look or taste her best but when it really comes down to it, I’d still put her on my ceral and ignore them clumpy sour lumps, because you can’t eat cereal dry. If you know what I mean, which you probably don’t because this post is on some next level “written in code” shit, or at least it seems like it is, when in reality, I’m just an idiot, an idiot who still has a love for Elle Macpherson and if I am still alive when bitch is being pushed in a wheel chair and shitting herself at the old folks home, will still have a love for Elle Macpherson because she single handedly introduced me to SI Swimsuit Edition with her nipples in a time before porn and that kind of shit doesn’t get forgotten….

Posted in:Cocktail Dress|Elle Macpherson|Milf

2009

10

Jul

Kendra Wilkinson’s Pregnant Ass in a Bikini of the Day

5 Comments »

I assume whoever Kendra Wilkinson is making a half-breed kid with is either a rapper or athlete, because girls like her don’t date black dudes unless they are rich because she’s a fuckin’ hooker piece of trash proven both by the fact that she was dating a senior citizen when she was 20 for money and status and but also proven by the shotgun wedding she had a few weeks ago because that is the only kind of wedding her people really understand.

Here she is on the beach with her pregnant body in a bikini, speaking of strippers who made it, I was supposed to go to the stripclub last night, where I was going to pretend I worked for a big entertainment company, to get them to give me free auditions in the lap dance booth and get their hopes up, because I’ve learned that all strippers hope some knight in shining armor will come in and give them a better life and I am so down with playin off that.

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Kendra Wilkinson|Pregnant