I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2007

10

Aug

I am – Bianca Gascoigne Pantyless Upskirt of the Day

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I don’t know who Bianca Gascoigne is but I went into wikipedia to find out that she is the stepdaughter of some famous Footballer and outed him for abusing her mother forcing him to disown her even though his sperm didn’t make her. She was on some reality TV show in the UK and admitted she has breast implants and was scared that her drunken outburst ruined her chances at a career after the show. She is 20 and based on these pictures of her using the shampoo bottle to simulate a cock she’s suckin’ while wearing no panties and showing off some of her blond pubes obviously not too concerned with ruining any career and possibly even considering one in porn. See, I do bring quality information sometimes….

I like drunk girls because drunk girls usually do this kind of thing and finding a sober girl to simulate sex with inanimate objects or to flash her pubic hair is usually a fucking challenge. The other night I was talking to a drunk girl about having sex with vegetables, she told me that she was a pervert and ended up using a cucumber in ways I’ll never know but she did tell me that she ended up waking up in a pool of her own urine….later that night when I tried to convince her to use my beer bottle to simulate that situation for me to witness, she told me that she wasn’t drunk enough. Unfortunately, I don’t have the kind of budget needed to make these kinds of miracles happen, but the internet has a way of letting me witness it for free and that’s why I am here passing this on to you. That’s all I have to say about that.


Related Posts:

I am – Bianca Gasgoigne Lingerie Pics of the Day
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I am – Big Brother Vagina Slip of the Day
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Posted in:Bianca Gascoigne|Bush|Drunk|Pubes|Simulated Sex|Sucking|Unsorted|Upskirt

2007

10

Aug

I am – Tara Reid as a Bikini Gypsy of the Day

My community college friend “Shanna” flaked out on me and our friend “StripTease,” who i call StripTease because she will flash you her rack within five minutes of meeting her. Basically Shana’s phone went directly to voice mail which means she was too drunk to charge her cell, dropped it down a toilet, and was choking on her own vomit somewhere. She is in deep shit either way.

StripTease and I gave up and got stoned in her Brooklyn apartment that is directly above a funeral parlor. I swore off weed 3 years ago, but i wanted to be somewhere else without having to drink my way there, and I’ll take what’s given to me. StripTease bought a Chanel purse for 20 bucks off a cokehead who was selling her shit for more coke. StripTease was excited about her new boyfriend’s big dick, but pretty pissed about having to bail her little sister out of jail for shoplifting lip-gloss from a pharmacy. I told her that if her sister wants to rebel properly, she should just start giving $10 blow-jobs off the West Side highway, and the rest will work itself out.

So this is a pretty boring post because i got fucked up instead of fucked last night. But on the train back into the city, a button-nosed little banker passed out and his head landed in my lap. I let the little fucker nuzzle up in my groin because that was about as much play as I had coming. I considered taking his laptop with me at my stop, but I prefer stealing from fat tourists.

Here is Tara Reid being a tourist in Italy, and rolling with a crew of gypsies. I would like to have been a gypsy back in their hey-day like 300 years ago. Riding around in a caravan from place to place, stealing shit, camping out, and drinking. In a way that’s what I did as a hooker, except I road on cocks instead of in Caravans. Have fun busting one to Tara Reid looking more like a Gypsy whore than a botched lypo experiment.

obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hookler, friend of Jesus)


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I am – Tara Reid’s Old Man Ass of the Day
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I am – Tara Reid in a Bikini of the Day
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I am – Tara Reid See Through of the Day
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Posted in:Bikini|Swimming|Tara Reid|Trash|Unsorted

2007

10

Aug

I am – Not Helping Grandma Cross the Street of the Day

I decided to treat myself to McDonald’s today, because I slept so much, missed dinner, was in Asia and ate the weirdest food of my life and missed the chemical charged anti-vomit fake egg burrito that doesn’t remind me of Mexico as much as it reminds me of eating a bowl of dog shit like I did in High School while trying to impress some chick and later ending up hospitalized from some kind of ecoli infection that almost killed me, but I still like to relive that feeling every once in a while, it makes me feel alive and reminds me how fragile life is. If eating a bowl of shit can kill you, than I am pretty sure a lot of other things can too. But I survived like the cockroach that I am.

While at McDonald’s, some dyke with a Rolex was screaming at the staff about how this is supposed to be fast food and how it’s taking too long and how they should be paying her to eat there and shit, pretty much ruining my fucking glorious day back home after 15 hours of sleep. I was tempted to speak up, tell her to shut the fuck up and threaten to rip her fucking throat out because I realized on my trip that threats of violence get you places when threats of “shut up bitch” just lead to heated arguments that no one has patience for, the goal is to make them think you’re fucking insane, while knowing on the inside that you really aren’t, in efforts to make your day more pleasant.

I don’t think Canada is ready for my Asian “Rip Your Fucking Throat Out” approach and I didn’t want to get arrested again before settling back in here so I just listened to her throw a tantrum for 10 minutes, before my new Black Best Friend told her to shut the fuck up, she turned her broad lesbian shoulders around sized him up and told him that he may think he’s a big man but he’s got a little dick and she ran out of the place to go on with her miserable fucking day. After she left he went on about how she needs to get laid and I told him that she’s just a closet lesbian who is probably married and has kids and can’t handle the pressure of her husband’s dick because ever since her dad or uncle or schoolteacher made her take it up the ass when she was a kid, dick never looked very friendly. I think that threw him off a bit but I am kinda cracked out and felt like I was still dreaming and now I regret not speaking my mind, defending my fellow McDonald’s workers and being the hero of the morning.

I guess that’s how you should feel about not helping this old lady cross the street, because it’s a fucking Miracle she’s alive and the best thing to do to celebrate that miracle is to give her a helping hand, even if you are too self absorbed to even notice her as you walk to work to make your money to buy your expensive things and live the suburban life your parent’s want you to live. Enjoy.

Posted in:stepTV|Unsorted

2007

10

Aug

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

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So I am jet lagged and I am bitching at everyone I know about it. I meant to get these links up yesterday but I ended up passing out at 6 pm, sober and only woke up at 8 am. I am feeling a little fucked up, but since I am committed to figuring out how to run this site again, I decided that the first thing I will do, an hour and a half after waking up is delivering you some links to start your day. I still don’t have photoshop but some geek I know is supposed to be delivering it to me at some point today. I’ll make it happen.

Here are the links, this is my first time doing them in a month so I am a little confused but may get back into the groove eventually….

How To Get Into A Celebrity Nightclub…
GO

Pregnant Nicole Richie Shows Off Her Milky Filled Tits
GO

Inside Scoop – Jessica Alba Has Herpes
GO

Paris Hilton has a Stripper Pole and Picture of Herself in Her Living Room Because She Loves Herself and Thinks She is Hotter than She Is…
GO

Check out SlinkyMink’s Topless FHM Gallery
GO

Sexy When Wet Video
GO

Some 21 Year old Girl Lived in a Glass House
GO

Eva Mendes Showing Off Her Body
GO

Peaches Geldof Topless
GO

Playboy Mansion Gets Investigated on a Sexual Assault Charge
GO

Some Chick Named Nina Moric Bikini Photoshoot
GO

So some Serial Killer Named Jesus Demartinez is Fucking Up My Name….Thanks Psycho
GO

Flava Flav gets a Lifetime Supply of Porn…I don’t.
GO

Amy Winehouse Goes to Rehab
GO

Mena Suvari Shaved Her Head Because She’s Showing Off Her Forehead
GO

Kim Kardashian’s Reality TV Show on E! Poster
GO

Jennifer Ellison Picture Moment
GO

Midget Wrestler Fucks the Ref and Makes Us All Laugh Because His Dick is Bigger than Yours…Who’s the Little Guy Now? Asshole. NSFW
GO

Angelina Jolie Stopped Fucking Pussy for Brad Pitt
GO

Iraqi Couple Caught Fucking on Night Vision
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Sexy Commercial for Strong Hair Staring Oliver Dachkin
GO

Rocio Guirao Diaz is Posing in Lingerie
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Some Dude’s Photobucket Porn Collection
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Some Other Dude’s Photobucket Collection of Chicks He’ll Never Bang
GO

Harland Williams is Crazy on Conan O’Brien
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Some Other Dude Playing With Guns on Photobucket, Call The Cops.
GO

Some Camera Man Gets Knocked Out By A Male Pornstar – NSFW
GO

Gallery of Girls in Towels
GO

Some Ashley Hartman Interview You Probably Won’t Watch Cuz She’s Not Naked
GO

If You have $1000, you May Want to Go on This 3 Day Long Booze Cruise. I don’t have $1000 so I won’t be there….
GO

Jenny McCarthy as a Playboy Bunny
GO

Some Prank on Second Life that Will make You Laugh
GO

Upskirt Prank I have Already Linked
GO

Jennifer Hawkins Was Offered to do Nudes for Zoo Weekly – See Some Slutty Pictures of Her in Anticipation for those to hit.
GO

Ashley Madison is a Dating Site for Married People. This is their LA Billboard that Makes me Laugh because Monogamy is always Monotony.
GO

Rumor is that Lohan is Knocked Up. Trying to Keep Up With Her Friends I Guess.
GO

Eva Herzigova Upskirt Pictures
GO

Some 70s Incest Cowboy Losing Her Virginity Porn Worth Watching…NSFW
GO

This Spray Will Get You Laid
GO

Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted

2007

10

Aug

I am – Hayden Panettiere Eating of the Day

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I am not some gay guy who likes to encourage my female friends to not eat because I want to have an anorexic looking sluts as my fashion accessory, I prove that everyday with my wife who is fucking fat but I still stick by her, but maybe I should have been one and it would have prevented the biggest headache of my life.

I didn’t miss having to wipe her ass for her while I was on my trip. I guess the issue is that in life you make choices and as a loyal and committed guy I am forced to stick by her in these final years of her life and if that means wiping her fat ass, or helping her apply topical cream to her rashes caused by bacteria build-up in all those hard to reach areas that are buried beneath her obesity, then I guess I am going to have to tough it out.

I do know that on the trip I found my erection that I had lost so many years ago. It only made a minor appearance but I was fucking blown away and blame the fact that I wasn’t being turned off women by having to be the orderly around here and had time to really absorb what real pussy is like first hand.

Hayden Panettiere is a little troll of a girl who probably should lay off the food a little bit if she ever wants people jerking off to her like they did to Lohan because fat is not hot and it can turn a man impotent and that’s my lesson for today. The other lesson is that if you’re a celebrity and you’re eating a breakfast buffet, you may want to lay off the peanut butter, even if watching you trying to get it off the top of the top of your mouth like a dog, is like porno to me, reality is my wife gained 10 pounds in one week because she had coupons to an all you can eat breakfast place and bitch took those fuckers for a ride and lead me to writing Jiffy a letter about potentially sponsoring her talent to finish off two tubs of that shit in one sitting. Either way, this posts sucks and so do you. Cuddles.


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I am – Hayden Panettiere Bikini Pictures of the Day
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Posted in:Eating|Fat|Hayden Panettiere|Unsorted

2007

09

Aug

I am – Britney Swims Topless of the Day

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So this is probably old news but it’s new to me because I didn’t log onto a computer for more than 5 minutes every couple of days to check emails and to learn that the only people who care about me are spammers. I barely got any emails asking me to come back to the site, I barely got emails telling me the site is amazing, I got no emails from people offering me money or sex, so a month vacation is long enough for me to know I am still a loser. So as a loser, I have no choice but to post some pictures of Britney swimming topless with some K-Fed motherfucker who I think is K-Fed.

The reality of this shit is that once you get pussy the first time, you’ve already done all the hard work and it’s easier to get it again rather than getting new pussy. In K-Fed’s case, it may not have been so hard to get Britney in the first place because she was this lonely retarded girl who had been devirginized by Timberlake and whose only friends were her dancers and as the only straight dancer, K-Fed had some major advantage in getting her cunt, knocking her up and setting up his retirement plan, but that’s not the point.

The point is that recycling pussy you’ve already landed is easier than landing more new pussy, especially for someone like you who has only landed the pussy of lonely broken down and abused chicks who hate themselves and use fucking as a way to make themselves feel wanted for the 2 minutes you last and sometimes finding them again is as easy as making a call, sending an email, driving down the block she worked before the drug overdose or showing up to pick up your kids for your monthly deadbeat dad visit that ends with you in the pool naked with the slut you knocked up.

The real issue is that I don’t know what I am saying, I am pretty jet lagged and refuse to re-read my posts. Cuddles.


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I am – Britney Spears Public Tit Flash of the Day
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Posted in:Britney Spears|Swimming|Tit|Topless|Unsorted|Wet

2007

09

Aug

I am – Melanie Brown in a Bikini of the Day

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Here are some pictures of a post pregnant Melanie Brown rocking a bikini for all of you fucking losers to look at and either criticize her for being a slut who gets knocked up by dudes who deny it ever happening or talk about her big fat titties that are full of milk to feed the baby dudes who fuck her deny ever doing….

I ended up at the beach at one point in the last few months, it wasn’t a very beautiful thing for the people around me because I am about as attractive as a dying cancer patient in the hospital is and I am not saying that to be insensitive to dying cancer patients, I am saying it to really give you an idea of how unattractive I am. The difference between me and a dying cancer patient is that I am about 300 lbs and they aren’t, but I am probably equally pale despite my native mexican roots. I blame Canada and you should to.

Either way, I am out of the loop, out of practice and confused as fuck so look at these pictures and pretend I never wrote this shit, which won’t be too hard because you probably never read it. Cuddles.

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I am – Melanie B’s See Through Shirt of the Day
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Posted in:Bikini|Melanie Brown|Spice Girl|Tits|Unsorted

2007

09

Aug

I am – Olsen Twins Riding in the Baggage Compartment of the Day

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Jesus is having issues right now, obviously. So you get to suffer through my thoughts/life until his dick/computer is fixed…

I am hauling ass to Brooklyn tonight to bar hop with my friend “Shanna” while she’s in town. Shanna and I made out once in community college, and since you whip it out every time a Girls Gone Wild commercial comes on, here’s how this went down.

We were at a party and our boyfriends ‘dared’ us to kiss like we were 6 and in the sandbox. Now as a hooker, I did one threesome with two guys once, one threesome with me and another hooker once, and was paid to get down and nasty with that same hooker in front of a bunch of suits as some sort of office bonding experience. I don’t get off on sliding around with girls, it’s just a lot of work and I already have the same parts. I also just hated threesomes in general and refused to do either combo again after the first time: two guys is really just homo, two girls gets so competitive.

But back to the story. I agreed to kiss Shanna since she seemed really excited and we had already seen each other naked before, so whatever. But mostly I did it because my ex-boyfriend was there with his new doberman-faced cunt, and all the hype drew a crowd, and he naturally followed. I wanted to make this fucker’s balls turn blue because he dumped my ass for this fat upstate slag that lived in his dorm, so he wouldn’t have to trek a mile to my place in the snow for sex. So I full throttle sexually assaulted Shanna, and we went at it for around 4 minutes, sucking face, grabbing ass, taking off each other’s shirts, cupping each other’s breasts under the bra, giving the audience just a peak, licking, etc.

Afterwards, Shanna and I complimented one another on the suppleness of our tits and lips. Our boyfriends were satisfied. Most importantly, I walked up to the ex and asked if he had enjoyed the show, he kind of stammered and walked away, trying to hide his raging erection. The ex, his hard on, and his bitch left immediately after that. At least I know that when he fucked his slut later, he was thinking about me. I win.

Here is MK and Ashley Olsen at the airport doing what they do best: looking skinny, electrocuted, homeless, and semi see-through. You know the thought of these two getting it on together used to turn you on because the only thing better than girl on girl is twin on twin. But they are doing there best to kill your dreams by looking like they rode in the baggage compartment. Try and masterbate. You can do it. The end.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)


Related Posts

I am – Ashley Olsen’s See Through Skirt of the Day
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Posted in:Ashley Olsen|Homeless|Olsen Twins|See Through|Unsorted

2007

09

Aug

I am – Back From Vacation But Still Managed to Fuck Up of the Day

Hello everybody who I like to pretend read the site. I am back from not posting in a really long time and I don’t really know what to say. I have lost all ability to type anything that makes any real sense but I think that happened when I first started using a computer. I don’t have a sense of humor anymore but as my family always tell me, I am not funny and never really did.

I would tell you all about my vacation. But I hate and have always hated when people talk about their vacations. One of my least favorite things to do is getting stuck in a living room looking at photo albums of boring vacations people went on while pretending I give a fuck because I want them to give me the same kinda love when I bust out my photo albums or some shit when I go on Vacation. It’s just the way things work and when you’ve seen one vacation, you’ve seen them all. Girls at the beach, drunken good time, lots of scenery and tourist spots with jackasses posing next to them and I’d rather hit up photobucket and search “fart” or “tanlines”.

My other least favorite thing to do is sit in front of a computer writing useless stories about celebrities. Lucky for you, I came home to a broken computer that has no photoshop or any way for me to resize pictures so I have decided that either I turn this shit text based, which will be hell for all of you because without the pictures I am pretty much nothing, or I go out and talk to this drunken cowboy I met a couple years ago who has access to this kind of shit and who will hook me up if I find him someone to suck his dick.

I haven’t decided which way I am going to go but I have decided that it’s pretty expected that nothing ever goes smoothly, it is the story of my life and I guess so is this site…so come back later for some updates because I am back.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Posted in:stepUPDATE|Unsorted

2007

08

Aug

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

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Well kids, it’s been real, but Jesus is back in town and it’s time to give the badge back to the Sheriff.

Thanks for all the links and nice emails from all of you who took the time to send them. Honestly, there was alot, and I didn’t get an answer them all or post them all, but I did read them I assure you.

It looks like I’m going to be staying around to help with the family business, which some of you will be happy to hear and some of you are probably really pissed off about. Can’t please everyone tho, you know? I’ll be off for the next day or so however, most likely passed out in a gutter somewhere.

Oh and sorry to the people who got mad when I called Madonna’s kid an AIDS baby. I didn’t mean it in like the real AIDS baby sense, just like the joking AIDS baby sense. I promise I will try not to hurt your crybaby feelings anymore, deal?

So long, Virgins!!

hugs and kisses
Marie-eve Martinez

Krystal Blue
GO

Maybe K Fed Banger Britney’s mom
GO

This kid is smarter then you, of course maybe that isnt really saying much
GO

Because you can’t love your teddy bear forever….
GO

Ashley, Pete and KY sittin in tree
GO

Jessica Simpson = Major Asshole..I mean Movie Star
GO

Hackers Documentary
(no, not the movie with Angelina Jolie)
GO

Peaches Geldof topless
GO

Britney whores it up in the pool with some random
GO

Vintage Carleton Banks, kickin it old school
GO

How to : Remove Cd scratches with a banana
GO

Japanese porn industry embraces Blueray
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Drunk college chick gets fucked (NSFW)
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REAL Top Guns
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Lords and Ladies
GO

Barry Bonds breaks homerun record
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The Meth addict from Big Brother hates the Jews
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Idiot Truck driver learns he cant outrun a train
GO

Jennifer Ellison like whoa
GO

Mischa Barton dyed her hair
GO

Sarah Jessica Parker scares the shit out of me
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Tom Kat refused entry to St.Topez nightclub
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Olivia Munn likes weiners
GO

Im not really sure whats going on here, but this chick looks like Lohan
GO

Some Megan Fox pics
GO

Zac Efron is a homo….not that there’s anything wrong with that
GO

Idiot staples firecrackers to himself and lights them
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Lipstick Lesbians
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Hotties on the net
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How to : Annoy the person sitting next to you on the Plane
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Random gift basket
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Kat Von D lookin’ hott at the LA Ink Premiere
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Katie Price gets drunk
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Jenna Malone in a bikini
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Lena Hedley photoshoot
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More Jennifer Ellison Pics
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Rosanna Arquette is kinda hott
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Amy Winehouse cancels tour
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More Brad and Angie Rumors
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Get laid, it pays
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Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted