Bikini Archives - Page 73 of 93 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

Archive for the Bikini Category

2008

Feb

Miss LAX Bikini Competition Video of the Day

Gayer than Bicycle shorts DJ AM, the best Bar Mitzvah DJ who’s made it in the world of real DJs because the people who go to clubs like hearing the same songs they listened to on the radio over the last 20 years so that their drunken bottle buying selves can sing along and get ridiculous on the bar and tables by dancing a fool, owns a couple of clubs called LAX.

Gayer than Bicycle shorts DJ AM, the best Bar Mitzvah DJ in the world who has made a boat load of money taking his stupid muppet lookin’ head around the globe playing for 100,000 dollars a night, fucking hotter chicks than you and by fucking I mean sitting around and doing their hair and talking about how much he loves Madonna because she’s a real artist…..I guess that’s why Nicole Richie cheated on him with Steve-O and moved on to someone who is pretty fucking lame in his own right but still cooler than AM and let him knock her the fuck up, doesn’t like me. I’ve crossed paths with him a few times and he’s made a point of saying how much he hates me and I don’t like being hated when I consider myself a pretty stand-up guy.

Gayer than bicycle shorts DJ AM has been rude to my face and whined to people I know about me calling him Gayer than Bicycle shorts but here’s a video from his club showing everyday party sluts competing in a bikini contest. I assume it’s one of those overcompensation things to help his case in proving that he isn’t gay, cuz a gay guy would never own a club with bikini contests but would own a club with drag shows and gay sex in the bathroom. But would possibly play shitty fucking music he used to cry to when he was 350 pounds before getting his fat man stomach stapled like he was a bitch on Oprah who emotionally ate herself to that size because no one liked her.

Either way, I figured you’d like this video because if you’re anything like me, you aren’t allowed in these kinds of clubs because you think it’s cuz you’re too damn cool for it and that that shit is too lame for someone so cool, but reality is that it is because you look homeless and people don’t like homeless people, especially places with so many big breasted drunk girls in party dresses and in this case bikinis, because they are scared you’ll rape them. Clean up your act and join the party asshole.

Posted in:Bikini|LAX

2008

Feb

Marisa Miller is a Boxer of the Day

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Here’s a video of Marisa Miller at her boxing club because I am guessing that is how she keeps fit. There’s something magical about seeing a girl exercise because my wife is a pig and just getting her off the couch is a work out for her fat ass and that’s more disgusting than it is hot.

There’s also something magical of seeing a girl who could kick my ass that looks like Marisa Miller because most girls who can kick my ass are scary fucking lesbians on a mission to rip off my penis and hold it up like some kind of very small and embarrassing victory for men with their very tiny trophy representing bringing evil men down.

What I really like is how Marisa Miller rocks that speed bag but that’s just because I haven’t had a good hand job since I was 14 and it looks like she could really bring it, when most girls who aren’t virgins are lazy and more inclined to just let you stick it in them because it’s less work on their arm and less self-less because if they’re letting in their junk their better be something in it for them, when a handjob is just about giving. The sports bra, despite hating what sports bras do to tits makes reliving that experience from years ago with budding breasts in a training bra more believable….Thanks supermodel for reminding me that my life sucks.

Posted in:Bikini|Boxer|Marisa Miller|Model

2008

Feb

Ivana Trump and Her Hot Body in a BIkini of the Day

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Ivana Trump proves why divorce is amazing, because when Donald Trump married her she was a young hot communist Czech model. Look at her now. I guess that’s why Trump’s traded her in for newer, younger models and few times over. She’s old, thick and looks disgusting in a bikini and no one wants to wake up to that.

The good news is that she’s rich too and people are whores so she can rent someone to play her young boyfriend when they are out in public and I guess when they are behind closed doors and her floppy old lady menopausal vagina needs loving. If you look close enough at these pictures you can see dollar signs in this motherfucker’s eyes and bills pouring out of her speedo….but she’s rich and it’s a small price to pay to give an old lady some confidence and the feeling of still being wanted after looking in the mirror. It’s like buying a new hat or new car to impress her boring married friends.

I tried impressing someone once. I wanted to rent a car to impress a girl I met on the street and who agreed to go on a date with me. So I called all the rental car companies and they were all too pricey for me. A neighbor of mine saw me distraught about the whole thing because I really wanted to fuck this chick and I knew having a car was needed to make that happen because she was one of those high class girls and he offered me his car. I accepted.

I picked up the girl and within fifteen minutes we got pulled over for a burnt out tail light and the cops decided to do a quick search of the trunk because they realized it wasn’t my car and though that I was a criminal. My date was pretty surprised when they found a half naked chick bound and gagged in the trunk, but not as surprised as me. I tried explaining to the cops that it wasn’t my car and all that shit, but we both got arrested.

After a few hours of questioning they called in my neighbor and the girl in the trunk and it turned out that the girl was his girlfriend and that they were into some fucking kinky dominatrix sex games and this was just one of them.

Point of my story is that my date wasn’t impressed no matter how hard I tried and I think Ivana Trump’s time has come and gone and she should probably take up knitting and baking. Leave the bikini pics for her plastic surgery lovin’ daughter, because she’s got some tits on her that I wouldn’t mind feeding off of for a night.

Posted in:Bikini|Ivana Trump|old|Tits

2008

Feb

Heidi Klum Does Stupid Pictures with Will Farrell for Sports Illustrated of the Day

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People hate going to movies to me, which is expected because people generally hate doing anything with me, but they specifically hate going to movies with me because I gripe and groan about all the shitty jokes being thrown in my face while the rest of the theatre laughs and the more laughs the movie gets the more pissed off I get. People call me a joke snob because I write this site and they think that I think I am the funniest motherfucker and no one can compete and that when I watch the movies I get bitter because these hacks are making millions while I am sitting on my shitty Salvation Army couch. The truth is that I am not really a joke snob, I don’t think I am funnier than these famous motherfuckers, I don’t think that I could do better than them, because if I could I probably would be. I just don’t laugh, because I am broken on the inside.

Here are some Heidi Klum acting a fool with not so funnyman Will Farrell doing some stupid photoshopped to shit photoshoot for SI, but Heidi Klum proves that with a little photoshop, having kids isn’t always so destructive to your body, but I guess none of us really know the damage Seal’s done to her box with her African Warrior spear he keeps hidden in his singing pants.

Posted in:Bikini|Heidi Klum|Sports Illustrated|Will Farrell

2007

Dec

I am – Gemma Atkinson’s Surfing in a Bikini of the Day

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Here are some pictures of Gemma Atkinson taking some surfing lessons in Autralia this past weekend.

The funny thing about Gemma Atkinson is that bitch is some sort of desired piece of ass in the UK, further proving my theory that the only hot girl in the UK is the fuckin’ Queen, but that’s just because I am turned on by her power and her etiquette since I consider myself a classy mother fucker who is forced to leave in trashy hell with a woman who don’t know what a metal fork is because washing utensils bites into her eating time and she’d use a shovel if she good.

So lookin at her average chubby body and busted face makes me realize that she got her breast implants to try and thin her out, because it is easier than hitting the gym or watching what she eats because that’s too much work for a useless party slut who likes eating sausage, the food not the penis and gets paid to flaunt her useless implants that even I could get if I had enough money, and should save for that shit because it seems like a pretty decent life. Then you could jerk off to me and it’d probably be equally exciting but that’s just cuz I exude sex, and by exude sex I mean smell like dirty pussy because I haven’t showered and spilled chicken soup on myself 4 days ago and it’s starting to smell fishy.

BONUS: Some Possibly Old, Possibly New Pictures of Gemma Atkinson in a Brown Bikini Because You Like Her Big Tits….

Related Posts:

Gemma Atkinson’s Hairy Stomach in a Bikini
Gemma Atkinson’s Lingerie Photoshoot
Gemma Atkinson’s Cherry Bikini
Gemma Atkinson’s Poolside Bikini Pictures

Posted in:Bikini|Gemma Atkinson|Surfing|Unsorted

2007

Nov

I am – Bethany Hamilton Bikini Top Pictures of the Day

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I am not sure if this girl is 18 yet, but she’s rockin’ a bikini top and a bikini top at any age is worth talking about, except maybe when it’s on a 6 year old, because that shit creeps me the fuck out. It’s parents who let their kids where bikinis at 6, who book bikini wax appointments at 14 and who become grandparents when the kid is 16.

Now if you don’t know who Bethany Hamilton is, she’s a surf prodigy who got eaten by a shark right before she was about to go pro and survived, unfortunately for her, her arm didn’t and although that’s a sad story, shit’s better than being dead and if she’s right handed I bet she barely notices shit’s gone. Reality is that girls think dudes get grossed out by their flaws or shit that they are insecure about, but dudes are horny and the only way they won’t bang you is if you don’t have a vagina in which case they’ll just use the mouth. If they get constant sex, they’ll probably marry you, so no matter what’s wrong with you and no matter how fat your ass is, or how meaty your vagina is, or how obscure your third nipple is, people see past that shit when they are sexually satisfied. So maybe Bethany Hamilton is missing an arm, but she survived a shark attack and that’s more gangster than you’ll ever be. Not to mention, but I’ll mention it anyway, because saying not to mention than writing something confuses me, but not to mention, I am sure there are a ton of benefits of having a girl with one arm, like never being asked to hold hands in public when she’s carrying something, or always winning at pattycake, videogames, doing handstands and making gang signs.

Related Posts:

Some CSI Chick Named Jorja Fox Not Hot Surfing
Courntey Cox is Not Hot When Surfing
Jennifer Aniston is Paddle Surfing Cuz She’s a Fag
Elle Macpherson is Hot With a Surfboard

Posted in:Bethany Hamilton|Bikini|Surf|Top|Unsorted

2007

Nov

I am – Cindy Crawford in Her Bikini Pictures of the Day

2 Comments »

I’ve already posted pictures from this day in Cindy Crawford’s life the other day, but I’ve been really drunk the last few weeks and this type of repetition is a lot better than the shit I pull on a nightly basis, like repeatedly starting fights, repeatedly sexually harassing girls, repeatedly making fun of people, repeatedly introducing myself to the same person 12 times, repeatedly waking up in random places and repeatedly doing the Soulja Boy dance, cuz no one does it quite like me.

I’ve been drinking a lot of vodka lately and since my liver is broken and my digestive system seems broken too, every time I take a shit it smells like fuckin’ vodka and gives me the urge to scoop in and eat the shit to see if it takes off the fuckin’ edge I have from last night.

Speaking of shit. Here’s Cindy Crawford in a bikini, reminding us that everything turns to shit even supermodels we all loved in the 90s become middle-aged soccer moms who have hotter bodies than other middle aged soccer moms, but are still middle-aged soccer moms who will never be 19 years old again and that is one of life’s great tragedies.

Related Posts:

Cindy Crawford Bikini Pictures from the Same Day
Cindy Crawford is Still Posing
Elle Macpherson is Still Hot

2007

Nov

I am – Brooke Hogan Bikini Pictures of the Day

1 Comment »

Brooke Hogan’s a pretty thick girl, but one that you’d still want to fuck based on her pictures, not because of her hot ass or good new fake tits she got while her brother was out totaling cars and crippling people, but because she’s Hulk Hogan’s daughter and your first taste of gay porn was watching his ripped greased up body rubbing up against other ripped greased up bodies in their underwear, and things have never really been the same for you since. I bet you’re lookin’ at these pics trying to find her dick you fucking homo.

Related Posts:

Brooke Hogan Performing in a Bra
Brooke Hogan Bikini Pictures
Brooke Hogan in Fontless and Backless Pants Cuz She’s Classy
Brooke Hogan in Those Pants Again Because They Are Jokes

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Brooke Hogan|Tits|Unsorted

2007

Nov

I am – Kate Walsh Bikini Pictures of the Day

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I am back from a drunken 4 day weekend and ready for the hustle and by hustle I mean sitting all day after sleeping in because I don’t have an alarm only to post outdated bikini pictures of some whore I’ve never heard of named Kate Walsh in a bikini because I love bikinis more than I love pants.

The reason these pictures give me an internet boner isn’t because of the middle aged dude you’re jerking off to, weirdo, but because there something magical about how a bikini reveals every piece and fold of cardboard that makes up her box and being a fan of vagina, it’s nice to try to compare the shit to what my wifes got to offer, provided I had the

She’s a pretty tight bodied red head I’d fuck, because when I usually think red head I think carrot top red head and I’ve never bagged a redhead because I’ve always been scared of their redhead superpowers that come from being freaks of nature, kinda like retarded people. For a long time the thought of a orange bush against a pale freckled mound made me sick to my stomach. When I was in High School, it was before the internet existed and I didn’t know if fire crotch existed or if it was a myth. So I gave every redhead in the school a complex, by constantly asking them if their pubic hair was disgusting and orange. I wonder how that’s carried over into their adult relationships. I am an asshole but then again, they looked more like Carrot Top than Kate Walsh.

This post is garbage, let’s just get it over with now.

Related Posts:

Natasha Hamilton Bikini Pictures
Marcia Cross and Her Red Headed Friend
Lauren Holly’s Nipples in a See Through Shirt

Posted in:Bikini|Kate Walsh|redhead|Unsorted

2007

Nov

I am – Cindy Crawford Bikini Pictures of the Day

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In being hungover, uninspired, bored and lazy. I decided to let some girl who added me to facebook write this post without having seen the pictures because this shit’s like American Idol, the blog version, only difference is, writing on the site doesn’t make you an idol to anyone except maybe to people in third world countries, but that’s just because they’re jealous that you have a computer and free time to spend writing garbage for a website, while they’re out working the field and eating bugs to survive.

This is what she wrote:

Cindy Crawford is an ugly old bitch who sucks and I ahte her. I wish she would take that mole off her face and shove it down her throat so that she’d choke and then die. But I’d still fuck her.

Related Posts:

Cindy Crawford Covering Her Old Body on the Beach
Cindy Crawford’s a Nose Picker
Cindy Crawford’s Got Some Cleavage
Cindy Crawford and Her Bondage Hat

Posted in:Bikini|Cindy Crawford|Model|old|Unsorted