Bikini Archives - Page 86 of 93 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

Archive for the Bikini Category

2007

Jul

I am – Lindsay Lohan Celebrates her Birthday in a Bikini of the Day

Lindsay Lohan celebrated her 21st birthday out of rehab with her friends and coke addicted mom in a bikini, when I was in rehab i was told to stay away from the enablers or old friends that didn’t want to make the same changes in their life as I had. It meant dropping everyone I knew and partied with but I guess that rule doesn’t apply when the bitch who fed you cocaine when you were a teenager was your mom. The biggest supporter of the drug was the person you turned to for life advice. I don’t have proof of that shit, but I think it’s pretty obvious.

Either way, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree or whatever that expression is, so it’s safe to say that Lohan has a life of addiction ahead of her, but so do most of us, unfortunately not all of us look have as much money as her for the shit to not ruin our lives. We also aren’t as good lookin’ as she is when she does it. It’s not that I think Lohan is hot but she’s hotter than you and even though that’s not saying much it’s saying something.

I remember I had a friend who got his mom hooked on meth with him. He was doing it for about a year until she caught him doing it and freaked the fuck out. He told her that it was diet medicine and before you could say “bust out the pipe” this middle aged suburban woman was smoking meth with him. The dad had no idea what was going on, but he didn’t complain when the house was cleaner than it ever was, her body was thinner than it was when they married, there was always big feasts cooked and dude felt like he had a new lease on life and on his marriage. He had never been happier until she emptied the bank account and ran off with her drug dealer. My friend ended up going to rehab, getting back on track, landed a good job and a wife and shit but never heard from his mother again, she’s probably sucking dick on the streets near you, so next time you hire a 60 year old drug addicted whore, you can thank him for hookin’ you up, because if she never did meth with him 10 years ago, she’d never be taking your load on her face.

I guess that’s a pretty sad story, but them’s the breaks.

Bonus

Lohan Running On Beach Almost Losing Her Top Over the Weekend
GO

2007

Jul

I am – Ashley Tisdale Bikini Pictures of the Day

2 Comments »

I don’t really know who this bitch is, I have seen her pictures around and researching a bitch was never really my thing, but today is a day of new beginnings and I took the time to find out that she’s some 22 year old chick from Disney’s stupid, but really successful smut called High School Musical. Disney is where dreams come true, that’s why every terminal kid goes there. It’s also where magic happens and that magic seems to be turning every kid they’ve every employed into a total slut. I guess a girl in a bikini doesn’t make a girl a slut, but I like to think of wearing a bikini as a gateway outfit that leads bitches into careers in porn, partying, pregnancy and herpes. If you look at any spring break party, you’ll know what I mean.

I guess the biggest joke of all this is that I was invited to a Disney movie tonight and I went. It was called Ratatouille and it was about a rat who loved fine dining. I went because the girl I went with is into fine dining and not because she’s 7. I didn’t really know whether me being there was creepy or not because it was the late show and the average age there was about 30, but I was still a little uncomfortable. That was until I saw the dude sitting in front of me who was there alone. At least I had the excuse of Vagina for being in that theatre, he didn’t and he was just laughing at every fucking joke like he was at some stand up show and I couldn’t really grasp what brought him there. Was he a high functioning retard or someone with brain damage who only understood kid’s movies, was he an immigrant trying to learn the language, was he lookin for conversation pieces for the kids he baby sits, was he a psycho dad making sure the movie was appropriate for his own kids to see next weekend, was he into animation and checking out what’s being made, was he there looking for a future wife thinking a movie like that would draw in lonely girls who had a strong maternal instinct and who’s biological clock was ticking so much they had to go to a kids movie to fill the void? Either way, it felt nice to not be the creepiest motherfucker in the room for once.

Here are those Ashley Tisdale pictures. Enjoy her small frame that lands her roles playing a 15 year old, because jerking off to a 22 year old pretending to be 15 isn’t illegal.

Posted in:Ashley Tisdale|Bikini|Unsorted

2007

Jul

I am – Eva Longoria Bachelorette Party in St Tropez of the Day

4 Comments »

Eva Longoria is in Europe preparing for her wedding or getting married or on her honeymoon or for some reason that doesn’t really matter because whatever she’s doing, she’s rocking a bikini. I was never a big fan of Eva Longoria, probably because I am Mexican and I am not into my own kind. All I see when I look at her is my grandmother, a short stalky bitch making tortillas for her 8 kids in our ratty ass kitchen when I was 5. I just assume that’s where Longoria will end up and although I loved my grandmother, I never really wanted to marry her or bang her if you know what I mean.

I used to hang out with this black dude who was stealing money from the store he was night manager at. He used to take us out to stripclubs every single night and pay for everything. He told us that his mother had died and left him a couple hundred thousand dollars and that he wanted to spend it on having a good time. I didn’t feel guilty about letting him blow all his money on us because I figured I was therapeutic to him and if you want my company you just have to take me to the strippers. Either way, I am not a heartless asshole and when dude finally got arrested I felt relieved that the money he was spending wasn’t his to begin with, it made all those drunken nights a lot more fun to be a part of because the guilt was gone.

Anyway, dude used to get so fucking mad when black strippers would get up on stage. He wanted more out of his people and thought they were just living a cliche. The condition of going out with him was to pay no attention to the black strippers because shit personally offended him. I feel the same way about Longoria, she’s a disgrace to our people but at least she’s rockin’ a camel toe showing off that her taco isn’t as meaty as the tacos she grew up on.

2007

Jul

I am – Rebecca Gayheart Topless on a Yacht of the Day

31 Comments »

I always rag on the paparazzi for being sleazy fucks hiding in the bushes because part of me think they are assholes for suing people like me for posting the images and part of my sympathizes with the famous people who don’t have much of a private life, even though they make tons of money and want to be in the public eye and pretty much sold their souls to the world so that this kind of thing is considered alright, but I guess I can’t really hate them when they pull through with hot topless pics of some actress no one cares about on her Yacht in Italy. That means that some motherfucker got on a boat and followed them out to wherever the fuck they are to get pics of bitch on her boat topless and that takes some serious fucking effort. If I was walking down the street I wouldn’t have any idea who she was and I wouldn’t think twice about following her around with a camera, so I guess these paparazzi assholes have a place in the world.

What I love about girls is that they get fucking horny when they are in the sun and in bikinis. The first 30 minutes they are all shy and uncomfortable with people lookin’ at their bodies so they cover up a little, walk around with a towel, don’t take off their shirt when they are supposed to, but then they stop caring get used to being half naked and the party starts. Eventually tops come up, blow jobs are given and you’re on the set of a fucking porno without understanding how the fuck it happened. I don’t spend enough time with girls in bikinis, but I know how things are….

I always wanted a life where I was around naked chicks on yachts drinking cocktails all day, it seems like that is what living is all about, so while Rebecca Gayheart gives us a taste of the life we’ll never live, I can’t help but hate her for not inviting me.

2007

Jul

I am – Paris Hilton Bikini in Hawaii Pictures of the Day

2 Comments »

I ended up drunk at a house party at 5 am the other night where some doctor was feeding me gin until I couldn’t walk and I don’t remember much of the night, but I do remember talking to this one dude about how I had Stavros’ number and he was really interested in giving him a call, so he did using my phone and Stavros answers. I am convinced that this dude has a friend in Montreal because anytime I call, motherfucker answers. He talks to me about parties and where he’s off to next and all this shit like old buddies who he can’t fuckin’ place, but feel obligated to be nice and rude to ask who the fuck he is talking to. Either way, the dude I was with called Stavros and they chatted about how he is in Maui for the next month or two and then he is off to France. They were talking about shit I didn’t know or understand because I am not as worldly, but the conversation seemed to have went on for 10 minutes. When dude got off the phone he said that was probably one of the weirder conversations he had because Stavros was acting like they were buddies. So I guess he’s just a nice guy and I appreciate that he answered.

Unfortunately, I was drunk and I ended up text messaging him on my way home drunk because I was all excited about our little prank call and I wrote something to the effect of “tell Pairs I am proud of her and that she owned Larry King, but I am still pissed she never wrote me back, I guess you can never train a whore to listen” and I got no response, so maybe dude figured out what we were all about and maybe dude will never answer my calls and give me inside scoop again and it turns out that I proved yet again that if you leave something to me, I will always pretty much ruin it, especially if it’s a good thing….

That said, here are pictures of Paris in Maui, obviously visiting Stavros because they are in love or some shit, but keep it low key. People with herpes stick together, the embarrassment of telling a new partner you got damaged goods is usually the reason why, but at least Herpes is the leading cause of successful marriages in North America. I made that up but I bet it’s true.

Reality is, bitch still has a good body, and whether she’s got a fucked up face, big feet, man hands, herpes and personality disorders or not, she’s still worth a round, she will be worth 100,000,000 dollars when her dad dies and that is enough money to make me have sex with any pile of shit you throw my way because in reality I’d even do it for free, if my penis worked.

2007

Jun

I am – Cheryl Tweedy Still on the Beach of the Day

1 Comment »

I am struggling today, I didn’t even drink that much but for some reason I was out until 4 am wandering the streets trying to find my way home wasted. I think it has something to do with getting 3 hours of sleep a night, not eating very well and having the liver of a 2 year old, in size not performance. The highlight of the night was when I was screaming at the big breasted, big bodied bar maid to serve me a fucking drink while she was too busy dancing it up for some dude she knew at the other side of the bar. My stepdaughter showed up unexpectedly so I did what ever stepfather should do and that is try to whore her out to random dudes for free drinks, it worked a few times and she still hasn’t come home so I can only assume she’s out getting teenage pregnant somewhere. There was a drunken slut in the place that kept making out with dudes and grinding her cunt up against the bar stool and shit, I figured that she’d make a good friend but got distracted from the stripper who walked in with some chachi motherfucker wearing short shorts and trashy shoes that tied up like some gladiator shit to around her thigh.

I am going to start the day with Cheryl Tweedy in her bikini, because she may not be as youthful as my stepdaughter, as big as my barmaid, as horny as the horny drunk girl or as trashy as the trashy stripper bitch with fake tits, but her prison tattoos make her good enough for me.

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Cheryl Tweedy|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Daisy Fuentes Bikini Pictures of the Day

1 Comment »

I know that none of you really care about Daisy Fuentes, she was hot in the late 80s and early 90s being on a lot of obscure shit like MTV Latino and in magazine spreads shit. She was considered some hot piece of ass for the era. Then in the late 90s she got to hosting America’s Funniest People and emotionally ate herself into disaster that lead her into all kinds of informercials for some Pilates bullshit but I could be wrong because I don’t have a TV. I had no idea that she was in her 40s, so I guess that means she’s lookin’ good for her age, eating pizza and drinking champagne making all her cuban brothers watch in jealousy as they eat their rationed bread and build rafts out of tires to make their own way to Miami to live a similar dream thanks to Daisy for paving the way for them….

I once had a Cuban hooker but you don’t want to hear my stories about communism. So I’ll just stick to the Daisy Fuentes Bikini Pictures.

Posted in:Bikini|Daisy Fuentes|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Michelle Marsh Has Huge Tits of the Day

6 Comments »

I saw these pictures of Michelle Marsh trying to cover up her tits while running down the beach yesterday, I was going to post them, but realized that I never break stories, no sites link me, so why bother rushing it. I woke up today and saw them all over the place, so maybe it was my big break, but I doubt it.

Michelle Marsh has retardedly big tits. I am not really a fan of huge tits because they are usually either fake and remind me of dudes who get off to Anime cartoons and those guys make me feel uncomfortable, or they are on a fat chick and fat chick tits are fat tits and fat tits are usually pretty dumpy. I also like living in the future, you know thinking about where the fuck things are going, instead of just enjoying shit for what it is today and every time I look at these fuckers I see a 80 year old woman with the biggest fucking hangers around. But I guess I shouldn’t be so against this bitch just because she’s stacked. It’s not her fault that she feels like having basketball tits is a good thing, and so do you and that’s why bitch has a career, so who I am to really say anything….

I was on the bus the other day because I take the bus sometimes when I have places to go which is pretty much never, but I was bored and thought it would be a good 2 dollars of entertainment. You see in the summer bitches wear less clothes and some days while lookin for inspiration, I like to get it out of everyday people. Anyway, this one girl, who must have been a stripper, but a bad stripper, because real strippers have black drug dealing boyfriends drive them around, had these insane set of tits. Her face was busted up bad enough for me to think she shoulda invested a little less on the tits and more on a new face, but that’s not the point because no one was looking at her face. These things were half exposed and everyone stared, so I guess if you’re a chick, you can get all that attention you’re craving by exposing your tits. It’s a pretty simple life lesson. You could also get attention by not wearing panties an short skirts, by fingering yourself in public or by talking about how badly you like taking it in the ass.

Michelle Marsh does it well, take her lead and send me pictures.

2007

Jun

I am – Coleen McLoughlin Bikini Pics of the Day

17 Comments »

Her name is Coleen McLoughlin, she’s obviously not that famous because I have never heard about what she does. I have posted These Bikini Pics of her in the past, which means that the dudes who rock the message boards I steal my pictures from seem to care about her when she’s rockin a bikini….

I was out of town this weekend and not near a computer. It was me and the trees and beer and it wasn’t much of a holiday just more of a random adventure that wasn’t very adventurous. I came back to find emails from some people about a comment someone left posing as me that was dissing one of the sites I like. I generally don’t censor my comments, I don’t edit my comments, I barely even read my comments because I don’t really care about what you have to say. I know that people like HornyLohanWanker write creepy shit that has probably put me on the FBI’s list of sites to monitor and I still give him free reign.

Either way, I don’t dis other sites in my comments, I do it within posts because I am uninspired most of the time and if I am going to bother writing anything, I generally do it in a post. I do like somethings some people are doing out there and the site in question is one of those sites that I dig as far as celeb shit goes and I refer people to check him out if they want to know what’s going on in the world of celebrity.

That said, I didn’t rip into him, I didn’t say he was a third rate version of me, because my site sucks so hard that a third rate version of me would be some weird homeless dude with a calculator and women’s panties on. I don’t really appreciate whoever it was who pretended to be me, you’re an asshole. Ripping into people on the internet is what I do, so I am not going to be a bitch and cry about that, but next time try to do it with your own name, or with some fake name that you like, or with the handle Perez Hilton, or something. Just don’t pretend to be me because I have to deal with the backlash and I only like dealing with backlash to shit I actually wrote.

Here’s that bitch Coleen McLoughlin in a bikini. The pictures are dull but so am I, so it’s a match made in Internet heaven.

Posted in:Bikini|Coleen McLoughlin|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Lohan in Rehab of the Day

1 Comment »

Rehab for celebrities is like a fucking vacation from a life that is already a vacation. I remember when I was sent to state issues rehab the shit involved a cinder block shitty prison where we’d have to clean and do chores in the morning and meet for 3 or 4 group therapy sessions in throughout the day where I’d be forced to listen to other addicts talk about the depressing shit that’s happened to them over the years turning them into the addicts they are leaving me in desperate need of a drink. The only real benefit of this shitty facility was that the food was included and I guess where there’s free food and a bunch of people who hate themselves, there’s always a good fucking time.

In the rehab facility I went to, we weren’t allowed to leave for 5 weeks. I met people who made me want to try drugs I had never heard of and when I got out I was drinking within an hour. I guess I kinda bullshitted them when they went through the exit exam questions, if they ask you if you are suicidal say no, if they ask you if you love yourself say yes, if they ask you whether you’re going to drink again say no. If only school was that easy, I’d have my fuckin Doctorate and I wouldn’t be wasting my time going to to dictionary.com to see if I spelled spelled right, or is it spelt. I don’t fucking know, but I do know that a dry Lohan in a bikini makes for good times, but I am lookin forward to her falling off the wagon.

Posted in:Bikini|Lindsay Lohan|Rehab|Tits|Unsorted