Bikini Archives - Page 87 of 93 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

Archive for the Bikini Category

2007

Jun

I am – Marisa Miller Bikini Photoshoot of the Day

There’s pretty much nothing better than a bikini model in a bikini because these girls are pro. They get paid huge money to rock a bikini while every other woman in the world just works hard as fuck on her body so that wearing a bikini doesn’t embarrass them. So they sit in the gym every night after work, some of them save up their money to get breast implants, and when all is said and done, they look good enough for me, which isn’t saying much because I have no standards, but not quite good enough to make a living from it. So someone like Marisa Miller, who may not even work half as hard as some of you do to look good enough for the best body contest on your next springbreak trip, is pretty much there to tell us all that we aren’t even almost as close to as hot as she is.

There are people like this in everything, whether it’s the kid who always aces the exams at school, the coworker who the boss loves and always gives him raises to keep him around because he is substantially better than you, then sibling who your parents are proud of and not ashamed of like you, the good looking person everyone you know wants while ignoring you, the guy with more money than you who is always showing you up whether in houses he owns, cars he buys, vacations he goes on or even nights at the club. There will always be girls with bigger tits than you, guys with bigger dicks than you, people who are cooler than you, people who are funnier than you, people who sing better than you, people who everything just works out for while you’re on your struggle….

The point is that you have to embrace the fact that you aren’t good at anything, that there will always be people who look, act, smell and perform better than you, and love you mediocrity, even if it means you’ll have a sad and lonely existence, or one spent with other mediocre people, because envy is a bitch and while you wish bad things upon the people that make you feel like shit about yourself, you can turn to the internet a rub one out to a bikini model, like she was on all fours on your dining room table, because fantasy is a hell of a lot better than your reality.

2007

Jun

I am – Brooke Hogan Bikini Photoshoot of the Day

2 Comments »

When I used to watch wrestling in the 80s I used to think about how fucking gay it was. There were men in briefs greased up and rubbing all up on each other while play fighting. It always made me uncomfortable, not because I am homophobic, but because every time a greased up half naked man asked me to play fight I knew what he was up to. I used to always think to myself that since this shit is already so fucking homosexual, they should switch things up a bit and dress like women. You know rockin’ bikinis and dresses and turning shit into something you’d see at a Gay Pride parade. Thanks to Hulk Hogan’s hooker of a wife and his magical steroid sperm, I can live out that fantasy with his daughter. I can admit that she’s not all that bad since so lost weight, and that she’s the kind of girl guys go to strip clubs for, but no matter how hard I try, all I see is a platinum blonde handlebar mustache and a guy in yellow giving me life advice. If the world had an icon like Hulk Hogan today with his big muscles and workout audio cassette tapes, maybe it would be a better place. While you think about that, check out his daughter half naked….that’s why I posted these pictures.

Posted in:Bikini|Brooke Hogan|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Mena Suvari in a Bikini of the Day

46 Comments »

I have a feeling that these bikini pictures of Mena Suvari are old, but I know that they are new to the site because I checked my archives for once. I don’t really keep track of all the bikini pictures I see anymore because my brain is over-saturated and they all look the fucking same. I have a feeling that I have seen so many girls in bikinis that if I was to go to the beach, I will have sworn that I had already seen half those girls rockin’ the same bathing suit before. It’s not because I can predict the future, but because I think in bikini now. When people ask me questions about anything, my brain goes directly to all the bikini pictures I’ve seen before being able to answer them. The internet may have made me socially awkward, but all these bikini pics have made me stupid. People say you can’t get too much of a good thing, I think you can. I have a few friends who have died from drug overdoses. I know a few people who went broke because of hookers. I know a guy who ate so much chocolate cake that he ended up having a heart attack at 30 and this one dude I knew loved unprotected sex so much that he got 4 girls pregnant at the same time and one of them gave him STDs. But since my life has little meaning, posting more bikini pictures, although making me look like a desperate loser who can’t meet real girls so I turn to the Internet to get any sort of impotent action, probably won’t kill me, but your chronic masturbation to girls with big foreheads in skimpy shit on the beach will. At least that’s the story I heard.

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Mena Suvari|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Jennifer Garner Paddle Surfing of the Day

106 Comments »

These are some pictures of Jennifer Garner doing something that I’ve never heard of before but I am not really well versed in celebrity beach activities. It’s called paddle surfing and it sounds as stupid as it looks, I don’t really understand why you’d want to be Tom Sawyering when you could be on a Yacht or canoe or if you wanted the rafting experience, you could hire some Native Hawaiian dude to do the paddling for you because you’re rich. But I think the bigger issues is why you need lessons in this “sport” because shit looks pretty fucking straight up. It’d be like taking lessons in floating in the pool on some blow up toy.

I don’t like this bitch, I never did. I don’t think she’s hot and I think Ben Affleck got stuck with her because bitch told him she was on the pill or some shit, forcing him to shotgun marry her and live this bullshit family life, because it was the responsible thing to do. You know waking up everyday telling himself that there’s new fresh pussy that wants his dick, while staring at her post pregnancy ass but realizing that he has to stick it out with this bitch, even though she only landed him by not being honest because it’s the right thing to do. I guess I could be wrong, but that’s the only way I’d end up with her and I’m pretty poor, desperate and a straight up disaster….

I like that this bitch is staying fit and wish that I had that kind of drive, but I am one of those guys that feels that watching girls work out or fuck around in bathing suit bottoms is exercise.

I woke up today feeling like I had raped myself up the ass with a liposuction vacuum set on blow not suck. I know feeling fat is supposed to be a chick thing but I got drunk last night snuck into a gas station at 4 am and stole a ton of shitty gas station food and ate it all. That may not sound like a big deal to some of you obese American readers who do that everynight, but I don’t want to turn into my wife and more importantly my sweat pants are starting to be a little snug, and not in a good way. In case you missed that joke, because it sucked, I was talking about my dick because getting hard in sweatpants is always offensive but welcomed when you haven’t been hard in what seems like years.

Either way, look at the fucking pictures and leave me alone. I am hung over or still drunk. I haven’t figured it out yet.

2007

Jun

I am – Natasha Hamilton Topless Pics of the Day

1 Comment »

I posted these Natasha Hamiton Bikini Pictures last week or some shit. But it turns out that bitch doesn’t mind getting topless and where there are topless girls on the beach, there’s people like me looking for pictures taken of them to post here, because I don’t have the budget to follow these people around or spend my days on the beach and if I did have that budget, this bitch wouldn’t be one that I’d follow around.

She’s in Atomic Kitten, some UK Spice Girls the Next Generation group. She’s a red head and I am recently a fan of red heads because I alienated them for the last 20 years because the concept of red pubic hair made me feel sick to my stomach, but I guess as you get older and marry fat disgusting women, things change.

I was talking to some dude today about Drag KIngs, these are dykes who dress up like dudes and perform. He was telling me that he is pissed off that they don’t get enough media attention and I told him that that is because no one really wants to see chicks with hormone therapy beards, grown out armpit hair, dressed like dudes because Lesbians like chicks who even if they are masculine lookin’ still don’t pretend to be men, fags like dudes and hate the fact that these Kings have pussies, straight guys generally like tits and bisexuals are just too emo and confused to really count. My advice to all you bull dykes out there growing a mustache is to shave the fucker off now, because as long as your packin’ a uterus no one wants to see you pretend to be men.

That said, topless beaches are probably the best thing invented and girls who aren’t ashamed of themselves enough to cover up, like Natasha Hamilton’s tits save all of us money by not having to go to the strippers.

2007

Jun

I am – Cheryl Tweedy Cole Bikini Pictures of the Day

1 Comment »

cheryl tweedy cole bikini pics

Here are some pictures of Girls Aloud Cheryl Tweedy, who is married to some soccer player named Ashley Cole, in a bikini sporting prison tattoos and animal print like the white trash trailer park whore that she wants to be, but can’t because she’s got too much fucking money.

Speaking of money, I rarely get emails and when I do they aren’t positive. Today’s email was from a site that used to link me saying that she gets too much hate mail for linking to me and that she’s going to have to stop linking me because if her fans don’t dig my site there’s no point in her throwin’ it up. Another site stopped linking me because they make money using google ads and google emailed them saying they will pull the plug if they keep linking me. Someone told me to try submitting my site to Digg.com because it drives a ton of traffic and lets face it I don’t love the fact that this is the coolest site on the internet that nobody every reads and would love to at least be able to buy myself a lap dance with this shit so I tried and my URL is blacklisted. It seems like everything on the internet is working against me for whatever fucking reason. I am not complaining I am still going to do what I do, because I don’t have anything better to do but I really don’t think what I do is porn, but everyone else seems to think it is and that is a fucking problem to me.

If I was jerking off on the computer, I’d hit up sites that have girls masturbating, sucking dick or getting fucked. I am not really into fetish shit, but if I was I would hit that shit up. The shit I throw up here except for a few stepLINKS is shit I’d like my 14 year old stepDaughter see, but then again I’d pretty much let her watch anything, she’s not my kid and don’t really care if she’s watching shit she shouldn’t, it’s her mother’s job, maybe I am lazy, but I like to think of it as being a liberal parent who lets the kids figure shit out on their own.

But that’s not the problem. The problem is you. Stop jerking off to this shit, it’s not meant to be jerked off to and guys like you are guys you see in the park jerking off to girls tanning or guys you see on the bus jerking off to girls reading or guys you see in the ice cream shop jerking off to girls eating ice cream and that’s not the kinda crowd I am trying to get here.

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Cheryl Tweedy|Girls Aloud|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Jessica Biel in a Bikini for GQ of the Day

98 Comments »

I don’t usually bother with magazine pictures because they are doctored, boring and taken by professionals. I also don’t get as excited as I do when I rip off pictures taken by immigrant’s with cameras trying to live the dream by taking pictures of famous people doing everyday things, like walking their dogs, working out, walking the red carpet, eating, nipple slipping, see through dressing, but these Jessica Biel in a bikini pictures were worth doing because she looks worth a fuck for a change.

I rip into her for being built like a dude, with her broad shoulders and sturdy frame that could probably hurt me if she decided to come after me when she finds me hiding under her bed when I become more ambitious at getting the hottest content on the site, which won’t happen because I am lazy, but I was just saying.

She’s addicted to working out, she probably doesn’t have a cock, but that doesn’t mean bitch isn’t a top and if she does, the thing was photoshopped out, so I guess that’s the benefit of these professional pictures, it allows you to get off to a man, without thinking you’re getting off to a man, and means you’re not as gay as your friends think you are for always trying to get them to show you their dicks.

I once knew a football player who told me that you’re not a real man until you’ve had a dick in your mouth. He said that if you suck a guy off and don’t get turned on in the process that it is the best test of your comfort in your sexuality. I don’t really agree, to me the second you’ve got your buddy’s load dripping down the back of your throat, whether you got off or not, you’re a fucking ‘mo.

2007

Jun

I am – Danielle Lloyd Bikini Pictures of the Day

2 Comments »

I am getting bored of posting bikini pictures. I am thinking because they aren’t that inspiring and all I can really say is shit like “look at those tits” or “check out that ass” and it’s boring. You’d think that lookin’ at pictures of a slut half naked would get me all pumped to write some story about a bitch I once fucked who liked wearing bikinis or some other random shit, but I think I’ve said all I can say for the week about bikinis. I am more into seeing the slut first hand and watching her move in real life is a little more my thing. Pictures are boring and the equivalent of saying you’re rather check out pictures of a girl posing naked than actually being in the room with her posing naked. Regardless, I am compelled to throw these up because it is what I do and I know that’s why you come to the site and I am really all about pleasing you. I actually don’t really give a fuck about you or what you think but I figured it’s nicer to pretend that I do.

I went to the pool on Monday where the strippers hang out all day and I should be there today but I am convinced the heat is going to kill me. They always warn the weak and old to stay in on days like today and I figure that I am a bit of both and that since I don’t want to die I’ll just stick to my computer. When I was there all the girls seemed to think they were Paris/Lohan/celebrities as they sipped their cocktails in bikinis and I realized that if you venture out of your house, you don’t need sites like mine. I rely heavily on you being a reclusive asshole and I guess I should thank you for that.

It’s also nice to see that a bitch is so self sufficient that she can be out in her bikini at least 10 times this last month, rubbing it in all our faces that we suck at life.

Posted in:Bikini|Danielle Lloyd|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Heidi Montag Bikini Pictures of the Day

57 Comments »

I don’t have cable so I don’t know if the MTV show this slag Heidi Montag is on has hit yet, but I heard somewhere that it’s going to include a whole lot of bikini scenes and pool parties. I figure that this Montag slut got herself a set of fake tits in preparation for a big summer of shitty TV that will include her in her bikini often and that MTV paid for the tits to bring in ratings. I don’t really have anything wrong with that, I am all for bonuses on the job, especially when they openly advertise to the 15 year old girls everywhere that boys only like big tits, giving them complexes about their small underdeveloped tits, leading to a lot of sex with their first boyfriend with their shit on until they save enough money for their paper route to buy themselves a new set of tits.

I hate implants. I hate the way they feel because it reminds me of sucking on a basketball but more importantly I hate what they do to girls. It takes them from being shy about their shit to using their tits as a fucking party favor. They start wearing low cut shirts, they start pulling their tits out everywhere, they start taking as much cock as they can find because all of a sudden dudes are paying attention to them. What they don’t realize, is that dudes would be paying attention to them just as much if they were pulling their smaller real tits out prior to this new found confidence. I guess this all sounds pretty homo of me, you’d think I’d be the guy in the party screamin for tits to be exposed, and I am, but there’s a real sense of accomplishment when the girl who pulls her tits out is a little shy and modest about her gear rather than a piece of trash whore letting the world know she saved up $6000. I don’t know where I am going with this, but if anyone out there is a girl with smaller tits, remember I love you and that getting these fucking mods done to your body like you were on Pimp My Ride, will only make you a piece of trash in my eyes. The kind of girl I’d convince to let me piss in her mouth and not the kind of girl I’d actually want to spend the afternoon watching sun tan in the park….

All I’ve got to say about this Heidi Montag Character is that at least her fake tits distract me from her busted up old pick-up truck of a face and that’s probably what this insecure bitch who thinks she better looking and more important than she actually was going for…the pictures are posed and probably to promote the stupid show. I guess her tits were a good investment for MTV…

Posted in:Bikini|Heidi Montag|Implants|Tits|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Anna Kournikova Bikini Top Pictures of the Day

3 Comments »

Here are some pictures of Anna Kournikova in a bikini top and little shorts for you to look at while you sit at your computer thinking about how much you’d rather be at the beach looking a girls tanning but are too scared to leave your house….I guess you could also dream about how you always wanted to be Enrique because of his angelic voice and ability to be gayer that fucking bicycle shorts while still leading the public to believe he is slamming this Russian slag. I can only assume that any real man would never let the world know he sings the way Enrique sings for fear of being called a fag, I can also only assume that this motherfucker only sells records to the middle aged women and gay men because middle aged women like gay men and gay men like gay men. I can also assume that being born and named Enrique kinda type casts you as the cabana boy who is light on his feet and doesn’t really like wearing much more than spandex euro trash booty shorts speedos for everyone to see your package.

That doesn’t change the fact that everyone has had a thing for this Anna Kournikova whore for at least 10 years. I can only assume it is because of her athletic ability, at least that’s why Enrique is with her, I hear she’s in tight with all the pro tennis playing dudes like Serena Williams and hot chicks always attract men leading him to live out his homosexuality disguised as Male-Male-Female threesomes….