Bikini Archives - Page 88 of 93 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

Archive for the Bikini Category

2007

Jun

I am – Natasha Hamilton Bikini Pictures of the Day

I know you probably don’t know who she is because I don’t know who she is and despite having no interest in these people and just use them to lure idiots like you into my site, I still have been doing it 2.5 years and that makes me a bit of an expert. I don’t think being an expert in identifying useless celebrities is something to be proud of, it kinda categorizes me into the worlds of virgins and people who cut out pictures of bitches from magazines to put in my magical box that I keep under my bed for lovemaking purposes. I am talking about the losers who identify with celebrity vagina because they can’t get vagina of their own and in their fantasy world the characters these bitches play in the movies are their dream girls and one day when they make it rich they will win them over and end up marrying them and living happily ever after. What they realize is that no matter how much money they make, they can’t erase the fact that they are socially awkward creepy chronic masturbaters and girls don’t like awkward creepy chronic masturbaters, not to mention you don’t get rich living in your mom’s basement playing role playing games and poking girls your don’t know on facebook. That said, I have no idea who this bitch is, but rumor is that she’s in Atomic Kitten and that’s some UK girl group you probably want to fuck….

The real reason I posted these wasn’t because of the white bikini, even though I love white bikinis because they get see through and everytime I’ve seen a bitch in you, I’ve been able to make out what her pussy looks like, and despite that sounding creepy as shit, reality is it’s not my fault a bitch is showing her junk to everyone at the public pool I sometimes sneak into..so stop judging.

I wanted to write about redheads and how I was always scared of them growing up. I was born in mexico and spend a solid 10 years of my life there. I had never seen a redhead before and when I did for the first time when I was moved to Texas, I thought they were the spawn of the devil. I admit I was living with crazy Jesus people and I thought that everything was evil because that’s what they beat into me, but these pale faced, freckle covered weirdos with fire colored hair made me feel fucking uneasy. Later in life, I became a little more obnoxious and started asking the redheads I knew if they had fire crotches, they never wanted to answer me so I just assumed they were. I think I probably traumatized them and gave them a complex, but I was 15 or some shit, I hope they got over it, because I don’t want a group of redheaded weirdos I once knew holding meetings on how they want to kill me for ruining their sex lives, because redheads are naturally really strong and could hurt me. I figure they are strong for the same reason retarded people are strong, their gene pool evolved over the generations to deal with dickheads like me who would tease them for being different, so that we couldn’t lock them in lockers and shit. Someone once told me that redheaded kids were left in the woods to fend for themselves as babies in the middle ages because having a redheaded kid was considered a bad thing. So the ones who survived were obviously the ones who could deal with the elements….making them a superior race of humans….

Either way, what I am getting at is that the though of these pale spotted people with bright red lips and what I assume big red cunts with orange fucking pubes used to make me fucking sick to my stomach and I couldn’t grasp why Archie from the Archie comics always wanted to get a piece of the redheaded girl…that was until I started seeing seeing hot redheads, ones who didn’t look like they were genetic accidents that would have been left in the woods in the middle ages. They looked like hot fucking pieces of ass that I wanted to go down on for fucking hours. Now it seems that every time I leave my house, I see at least one redhead I’d like to fuck, red pubes and all. Maybe it’s become a fetish because I’ve never had one, but I am thinking that for all those years I was just prejudice and missed out on fulfilling this dream and now it’s too late because I am married and can’t get boners.

This post was really long. I bet it was boring to read. Good thing you didn’t bother. Asshole.

2007

Jun

I am – Britney Spears Bikini Ass of the Day

1 Comment »

I came across these Britney Spears pictures and I realized that there is nothing better in life than posting 2 Britney Spears posts back to back. It the shit bloggin is made for…

Yesterday on my drunken adventure, I ended up at the strip club for too early for there to be strippers working. It was me and the stage and a bar tender who was playing her own shitty music. I asked her if there were any girls to entertain me considering I spent 3 dollars oto get in to see vagina. About 5 minutes later, some french slut hit the stage and did a little dance for me. Since I was the only one in the place it felt really romantic as she spread her legs…The issue I had was that I knew she wanted my money, the other issue was that I had no money. I looked over my shoulder to see her wiping down her box after rubbing it up against the pole and I wondered if that really prevented HPV and AIDS, maybe she was onto something. When she got me lookin’ at her she turned around in embarrassment even though I already saw her inner parts…

The thing I like about Britney is that it seems like she never embarrassed, she has no shame, she has enough money to not give a fuck and we’ve all seen her inner parts but like the stripper, she still bothers to cover up.

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Britney Spears|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Serena Williams Bikini Body of the Day

4 Comments »

So to balance out the day, I figured I’d throw up these Serena Williams bikini pictures, even though I linked these fuckers in the stepLINKS last night. If you’re wondering what I mean by balance shit out, I am not talking about throwing this thick piece of ass on a scale to prove that her workout regime has gone totally fucking wrong, I am not really sure what I am talking about, but I was thinking along the lines of since my last 2 posts were of chicks in bikinis, I should give some airtime to dudes in a bikini.

I think it’s safe to say that her boyfriend is wallet fucking her or trying to get ahead in his own career as a possible hip hop MC or some shit and getting in paparazzi pictures is a solid way to promote yourself because there is no way he’s with her because she’s a good fuck or because she’s a gentle lady.

All the masking your sexuality and taking female hormones all because her dad wanted a champion tennis player can make any dude pretty fucking pissed off. I remember this one time I was drunk and passed out at a party and some chick put make up on me. I looked really pretty and felt like I had been raped. Taking away someone’s manhood is probably the worst kind of abuse a person can endure and making bitch live the role so well so that she doesn’t give up the jig when she goes out in public in lady’s bikinis is totally humiliating.

She’s the kind of girl who doesn’t have a vagina, so it’s in the ass everyday and I am not talking about in her ass, I am talking about in your ass. All the hard training and loses in her sport means she’s gotta take her aggression and frustration out somewhere….

I know that everyone is saying that she’s a dude and that it’s a pretty obvious joke. I am sure she’s a nice person who just does too much weight lifting to scare all the dainty tennis chicks off the court. It’s like facing the monster at the end of a video game only the real life version and she makes millions because of it. If I could make millions doing anything, I’d probably do it. If I was creative, I would have come up with a whole other angle, but I’m not creative so suck my dick and while your at it, jerk off to this bitch’s dick. Gaylord.

2007

Jun

I am – Celine Dion Bikini Pictures of the Day

4 Comments »

Here are the Celine Dion Bikini pictures that I have been waiting to see for 10 years. I don’t know when they were taken and I hate this bitch as much as you do but there’s just something magical about french chicks that you probably don’t understand because you don’t live in Montreal.

I’ll quickly explain because I figure it’s my role as the Number 1 Blog of Montreal to give you good reason to come to this city and that good reason is the french girls.

French girls are sluts, they are into sex and they are pretty fucking dirty girls in the bedroom. They are liberal, emotional and like anal and being naked. They don’t take much working on, you basically just need to catch them when they are horny or impress them by pretending you are famous because a lot of the french girls I have met have been from small shitty communities and work as bar maids or waitresses or strippers and are easily impressed. They spend their money on nice clothes, lookin good and going out instead of shit waspy corporate suburban trash spend their money on, like pant suits for the office car and mortgage payments and other expenses to ensure a dull fucking existence.

Majority of strippers in Montreal are french and have tight fucking bodies even though they only eat french fries and drink wine. They are genetically programmed to maintain a tight lookin’ figure well into their 50s even with chain smoking, hard livin’ and bad food. By the time they are 30, their faces usually look weathered and old like a wilted flower but their bodies scream 16 year old and the older they get the sluttier they get to try to hold onto their youthful years of multiple sex partners.

The only problem with french girls is that they don’t speak english, they hate english people and they don’t get my fucking jokes. Every french girl I try to talk to don’t get what I am saying and my shit goes way over their heads. When a sense of humor is all you’ve got, you’ll be going home alone, but if you’re older and richer, they are totally into having you for a daddy. Kinda like Celine did with her manager husband who tapped her ass at 14 before making her famous and leading her to believe that she’s nothing without him….

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Celine Dion|French Chicks|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Uma Thurman Bikini Pictures of the Day

1 Comment »

Here are some pictures of Uma Thurman in a bathing suit. I figured that the site is about bitches in bikinis and I have no choice but to post them. I have been getting a lot of hate mail from people saying that I’ve lost my edge, that I am not as funny as I used to be, that the site isn’t worth visiting anymore and that it’s going down hill. Reality is that it was never really good, it couldn’t go downhill and that I was always rock bottom. The only difference now is that you’ve heard all my stories, you’ve heard all my lame jokes and you’ve seen all the pictures I post on other sites a day before I get them up. I am actually shocked that I’ve been able to convince you 10-15 people to keep reading.

I ran into a guy I hadn’t seen in years the other day. He strapped down, got married, moved to the suburbs, stopped going out, gave up on life, sits at home and watches movies with his wife every friday night because she’s tired from the week’s work and spends saturdays going to flea markets or home depot to buy supplies to fix up their dream home….Either way, dude grabbed me by the collar and told me how he spends his days on the site and that my writing makes him really fucking horny.

I didn’t realize that I was turning people on, especially men I once used to hang out with and the fact that the only person I turn on with my writing is a 300 pound 45 year old dude kinda makes me feel awkward especially when he’s thanking me for changing his life. Reality is that I have never really turned anyone on in my life. I don’t write anything sexy and the girls I have been in bed with blame being drunk and dehydrated for their parched vaginas to be nice and not put added focus on my serious inadequacies.

If you want something to actually turn you on, think White Bathing Suit. These fucking things are always semi see through and revealing and designed for a good fucking time. I am not going to get into her wrist brace and how you’ve got medical restraint fetishes because injured vulnerable girls who are bound by casts turn you on, because that’s not the kind of show I am trying to run here.

Enjoy the tits, I am not even going to talk about her dumpy ass because I’ve already written too much that you won’t read. Asshole.

2007

Jun

I am – Joely Richardson Black Bikini of the Day

1 Comment »

I am trying to find people to write my site for me for the month of July because I want to go away. I have been writing this site for 2 years and I really don’t need to justify wanting to travel to you because I hate you and don’t care what you think, but I do care about keeping the site updated daily. So I told people to send in some submissions so that I make sure I don’t pollute this site with shit. I am only comfortable with posting shit when I am the one manning the keyboard. I figure if I let an insider in, it better be fucking good.

I got this entry today, set to Joely Richardson on the beach pics. I don’t know who this whore is but she’s lookin’ a little dumpy for someone who let’s the paparazzi take pics of her. It’s called diet pills, anorexia, and sit ups bitch, otherwise you may want to consider wearing a t-shirt when you swim like the fat kid at the water park.

I am not anti fat people. I am fat. My wife is fat. A huge percentage of the girls I’ve seen naked are fat. I don’t think girls should destroy themselves to fit some stupid standard society has created, but I do think that if you’re out there living large on the beach, in life, driving nice cars and going on nice vacations because you’re on TV or in Movies or on Records, or doing whatever the fuck this unknown does, you gotta at least be tight bodied enough for virgins to want to jerk off to….it’s good for fuckin’ business…

That said, here that entry from a reader:

“ready for bathing suit season? feeling out of shape?”

Dont worry, because your neighbor (seen above) has been eating pork all winter…

I think this bitch is fired before she got hired.

Posted in:Bikini|Fat|Joely Richardson|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Danielle Lloyd in an Expensive Bikini for Cancer of the Day

58 Comments »

I use the Internet too much. I feel like my last love affair was with an emoticon banner on myspace and it was the best sex Ive ever had because all the slut would say is “hellllooooo” over and fucking over again and couldn’t get me hard by still whispered sweet nothings in my ear….So looking at anyone in a bikini is a total fucking relief for me. It could be because I live in Canada and I don’t see nearly enough bikinis in a year and when I see anyone rockin’ one it gets me goin like a virgin with a high trafficked celebrity blog that posts High Res pics to share my amazing find with other fucking virgins…or it could be because this bitch I’ve never heard of before last week is rockin’ diamonds and being a poor person I dig diamonds…it means she’s living the dream even though no one knows who she is…it could be because she’s dressed like that at a charity and I like women who get naked for a cause but I prefer girls who get naked for no cause, because you don’t need a reason to show me your goods…trust me, I have no standards and don’t get offended by much, not even when this downs syndrome faced slut does it….

I am slow on my posts today because I had to be somewhere all morning. Sometimes you can’t control that shit. I am back now but it’s the end of the day – so I am not sure if I should bother to even post, but I will anyway.

2007

Jun

I am – Michelle Marsh in a Bikini By The Pool of the Day

67 Comments »

I know that some of your fuckers are major sports fans because your lives are seriously lacking something and you like the distraction. When you are bored you are either looking up sport stats to bet on the games or looking up pictures of blonde chicks with big fake tits to jerk off to. The reason I know that you assholes like sports is because I get emails about how I don’t do enough sports content, but the blonde chicks with fake tits are what keep you coming back. I think Michelle Marsh is up on this shit and realizes that the key to her success now that she’s already showed us all her big fake tits is to hit up the sports market by wearing a British soccer bikini, because even if England isn’t your team at least you sports fanatics can pretend she’s into watching the game while drinking a beer with you. It’s got nothing to do with the fact that she’s probably already fucked 3/4 of the team.

If you’re wondering why I was never into team sports, it’s simple. I suck at them. I don’t understand wasting time trying to kick balls or shoot baskets or throw touchdowns, I think it’s a distraction from what’s important and that is getting drunk. I think that working with a bunch of dudes towards menial success like winning is just a way to trick yourself that you have purpose. Reality is that the local pick-up game doesn’t mean shit in the grand scheme of the world. That’s not to say that what I spend my time doing does have any kind of impact, but at least I am wallowing in self-pity while drunk, instead of tricking myself into thinking I am good at something because I ended up on the team with the Ethiopian dude who can run faster than a cheetah because he spent his life running away from Cheetahs who tried to eat him. I guess the other reason I hate sports is the whole gay factor of a group of men in the shower and slapping each other’s asses in a testosterone rage and there is the small issue with me not being physically fit enough to walk up a flight of stairs. Hard living motherfucker, it takes it’s toll….

Either way, Here’s Michelle Marsh Manipulating You in a Bikini.

Posted in:Bikini|Michelle Marsh|Sports|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Brooke Burke Bikini Pics of the Day

1 Comment »

Brooke Burke just had a kid recently and she looks pretty fucking tight. When the girls I know get knocked up they usually end up at an abortion clinic because pregnancy is bad for business in the whore ring, even though some people dig it. The other women I know who have kids are usually at that point in their life where they don’t need to seduce anymore. They are settled down and ready to raise a family and don’t give a fuck what they look like anymore. It just means the bad habits they made while eating whatever the fuck they wanted while pregnant stick and a life of getting fatter and fatter is to follow, always blaming the miracle they created for their demise without actually admitting that part of them resents their little babies…

Brooke Burke is pretty much the opposite of that. She looks fucking awesome, and feel like her whole baby thing was a publicity stunt and a pillow under her shirt because this body isn’t fucking normal after having a kid. But if I am wrong and that she did actually drop life into this world via her hot box, it just means that she’s no virgin and that she takes loads in her….and with a body like this…that’s a pretty nice thought….

Posted in:Bikini|Brooke Burke|Unsorted

2007

Jun

I am – Britney Spears Thong Bikini Pictures of the Day

69 Comments »

For some reason this girl loves this thong bikini, she’s been seeing wearing it at least 4 times that I know of and I am pretty bad at keeping on top of this shit, so it’s probably been a lot more. I know she isn’t known for being hygienic or into changing or clean clothes but you’d think that someone with her kind of money could afford to buy herself 10 different thong bikinis. Unless she sleeps in the fucking thing, it’s takes the same amount of effort to put on a new bikini as it does to put on a dirty crusted up one. At leas then when she’d hit the beach and shows everyone what K-Fed did to her, we’d at least know that the pics are new or old….

I remember when I used to hang with a girl who was a lot like Britney. She wasn’t a popstar and didn’t live the lavish life of celebrity, but she did never wash during the summer. She would just go swimming and think that that counted.

I admit that I am not the best at showering or changing clothes. Right now I have no hot water in my shit hole apartment, but at least I recognize that I am not clean. I don’t jump in public pool and spray on cheap cologne and pretend that I am clean….

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Britney Spears|Thong|Unsorted