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Archive for the Bikini Category

2007

31

May

I am – Danielle Lloyd Bikini Pictures of the Day

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I know that I dropped a like to some of these pictures last night, but I figured I should do a post on them because that’s how obvious I am. I like to tip you fuckers off to posts I am going to do the following day just to keep everyone on the same page. Fuck surprises, I can’t compete with the speed of some of these virgin bloggers who have some keen ability to land all the fucking paparazzi pictures first. Sometimes I think they are out there taking the pictures themselves, but realize their acne, overbearing mother and social awkwardness prevents them from leaving the house too often. Either way, they make me look like a shitty blogger, because most of the celebrities I post about I’ve never heard of while these fuckers have their life stories, bra size and current relationship status branded on their brains.

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Either way, here are the pictures of Danielle Lloyd, I am not sure who she is and I was going to go on and on about how bad I am at this blogging gayness but since I am up against a group of people you probably made fun of in high school, giving them a complex and leading them to this as a job, I’m pretty sure I’ll come out on top. I may not have been the virgin loser who chronically masturbated, was scared of girls and who everyone laughed at for dressing up like a Star Wars character for the high school dance because I was the slacker who no one really liked, who dropped out of school at 16 but still got pussy because I started drinking at a young age. No one wanted to be me, but no one picked on me and being too cool for school is way cooler than the school being too cool for you…

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I should write an after-school special, I’ll cast Danielle Lloyd as the teacher who gets knocked up by a 15 year old gangster from her English class who sells weed. Seems like she’s into that whole Blacks on Blonds Business….or what I like to call BBB, at first I thought she was too skinny for that, then realized she’s planning for the future by the looks of her body, her budding cankles and double chin, I can tell you she’ll be a fat mess in a few years…that doesn’t mean stop eating girls….I like fat chicks, I married a fat chick, I was just making conversation. Cuddles.

Now With Some Shorts On….

Posted in:BBB|Bikini|Danielle Lloyd|Miami|Pool|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

30

May

I am – Sonya Kraus Launches Her Bikini Collection With Her Tits and Gay Men of the Day

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I don’t know who Sonya Kraus is but I am going to assume that she is some kind of washed up German Bikini Model, because Kraus sounds German and because usually people launch bikini lines when they have something to do with bikinis.

Either way, there is a valuable lesson you can all learn from these pictures. If you are act like a fruity gay black man and dance around and act all bubbly in front of hot chicks, they will probably want to fag hag you. Now if you never tell them you’re straight and keep shit going they are going to bring you out to parties, they are going to change in front of you and tell you all their dirty little sex secrets. The trick is to be as flamboyant as possible and whenever she brings up you being a poofter, just change the subject and tell her how pretty her hair is. I am telling you that one night when bitch gets drunk she’s going to let you fuck her, you just have to pretend you don’t know what you are doing and that you’re uncomfortable with the whole thing for the first 5 minutes before going pornstar on her ass. The next step is telling her that she turned you onto women and going through every one of her friends you were introduced to because let’s face it, fags get more pussy than you. I pitched this idea to a film production company once, they told me it sucked but you’ll see a derivative of it hit in the next 2 years, I’m convinced, that’s just how my ideas seem to work out for me.

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I guess my theory was wrong, she’s a TV personality who has nothing to do with bikinis other than wearing them to the pool….thanks wikipedia.

Costume Change…

Posted in:Bikini|cleavage|Sonya Kraus|Unsorted

2007

29

May

I am – Kristen Bell Bikini on the Set of the Day

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This is some girl named Kristen Bell in a bikini on the set of some movie or TV show she is filming and wearing a bikini in. Probably something you’ll all order the DVD of and jerk off to, because that’s the kind of person this site caters to.

I have a confession to make. I wrote a TV show concept and sent it in to a producer last summer. It was called “hollywood sweatshop” and it was pretty much the same concept as the show “On The Lot”. I even mailed a copy of it to myself thinking that the fucker would have been HUGE. The producer told me it was a bad idea that wouldn’t work and I went back to the website like nothing ever happened, but when I saw that this fucking show hit I was blown the fuck away. I coulda been a millionaire just like Mark Burnett, the Reality TV show guy who invented survivor.

Either way, maybe it wasn’t such an original idea, and I am not going to live my life crying about all these great ideas that no one ever buys from me, but end up creating and making tons of money with….I am going to live my life posting pictures of celebrities in bikinis for no money at all. That’s just the way it is…If you are wondering why I am talking about this, I have one channel on TV and that show was it….


Posted in:Bikini|Kristen Bell|Unsorted

2007

28

May

I am – Heather Locklear Learns How to Surf in a Bikini of the Day

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I am pretty fucking sure I have seen these pictures of Heather Locklear learning how to surf in a bikini but I tried scrubbing the site to see if I am repeating myself and I realized that looking through the archives was too much work and that it would be easier for me to just post them. Aren’t you glad I let you in on my thought process instead of just posting the pics and writing some lame joke about her tits, her fat friend used to make her look skinny, her solid body for a 40 year old groupie slut who bangs rockers, but instead I wasted your time.

Speaking of wasting time, I didn’t leave my shitty apartment all weekend. I was convinced that staying in was the way to healthy living because everytime I do end up leaving, I end up getting drunk.

I did go on a walk through the park and it was some park festival and they had shitty Bar Mitzvah DJs playing shitty pop music while kids ate hamburgers and roasted Marshmallows with lesbian looking scout councilors because you know any adult in Scouts is either a lesbian, child molester, loser with no friends or purpose but an aptitude in survival, or overbearing parents that want to watch over their kids every fucking second of the day.

That said, I got sprayed by some kid’s watergun and it made me mad. This has been an amazing fucking story. Part of me wants to apologize for running off on such useless shit, but then my rational side reminds me that I hate you, that this is my website, and that I can write about picking my asshole to see if I can smell last night’s dinner after digestion on it and you can’t say much about it.

Heather Locklear may be hot, but she’s getting old making her like last night’s dinner rather than tonight’s dinner, if you know what I mean…if you don’t it means she’s already been digested, but I haven’t shit her out yet, because I still have a little more lovin’ to give in me, but she’s old news and not as exciting as tonight’s dinner that I am already hungry for because I only eat one meal a day but still manage to keep getting fatter.

Ok. Enough of this.

Posted in:Beach|Bikini|Heather Locklear|Surfing|Unsorted

2007

25

May

I am – Michelle Rodriguez is a Monkey of the Day

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After the success of the last Michelle Rodriguez Bikini picture post where I said she was a mexican monkey, I decided to prove to all you fucking assholes who said that I was a racist for calling her that even though she looked like she was in planet of the apes and that it was a pretty fucking obvious observation that I was right and that she is a fucking monkey.

Here are pictures that look like they were taken right out of National Geographic or some other jungle documentary on monkeys running around on trees, maybe it reminds you of the last time you went to the zoo but instead of the monkeys being actual monkeys, they are pictures of Michelle Rodriguez and she is in a bikini. So fuck you for doubting me…

Posted in:Bikini|Michelle Rodriguez|Unsorted

2007

25

May

I am – Noemie Lenoir in a Bikini on the Beach at Cannes of the Day

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Who the fuck is Noemie Lenoir? Someone google that shit because I am too distracted chatting with guys pretending to be a 14 year old girl in some chat room trying to set up meetings in the park because I want to do my own stepOFFENDER feature and I figured that’d be a good place to start, then I realized that I may end up luring in one of you, because I think it’s safe to say, my readers are fucking strange.

I made friends with a girl who had a black on blonds fetish, I have seen these kinds of girls around, the blond chick on the arm of some thug. I just assumed that it was mainly strippers dating black dudes because of the whole stripper lifestyle being gangster. I have also seen the pretty obese looking white girls who are with black dudes, but I thought was just because black dudes are the only dudes with dicks big enough to get around their fat asses, so I always thought black on blond porn was designed for black dudes, but I never really stopped to think that black dudes aren’t on the internet, they are out and about doing black things like driving around in Escalades and standing on the street corner rapping to each other and that this porn is really designed for blond girls to get off to…how twisted is that….I am still convinced girls don’t watch porn….so it was like a revelation, if you’re wondering where the tie into the post is, this bitch’s name means “the black” in english and based on these pics I have no idea if she’s black or white, she’s all Michael Jacksoned and I am confused….

I do know that she’s got some major mound exposed…it’s all toe for you…

Posted in:Bikini|Cameltoe|Cannes|Noemi Lenoir|Unsorted

2007

25

May

I am – Britney Spears Bikini Pictures of the Day

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It’s nice to see that Britney Spears is working really hard on her comeback by taking time off and suntanning on a yacht because we all need our downtime sometimes. I guess her month in rehab and her 2 years prior to the whole rehab thing where she got married and did nothing with her life wasn’t enough fucking downtime for her. It makes me jealous that I am here slaving away at this site a couple hours a day, going out all night, waking up mid afternoon, going out the park for hours at a time to get away from the computer while people like Britney live the lazy life….

Either way it looks like Britney is wearing some kind of G-String, unfortunately for you I don’t have pictures of that, even though it may be a scarier thing to look at than it sounds. Like the other day, I was sending myspace messages to a model who told me that her vagina looks like a hamster because she hasn’t shaved in a while and as cute as I think hamsters are and as much as I think bush is cool in theory, I know if I ever saw it, I’d have a whole different reaction….but since I have no standards I’d still take one for the team…I’d just have second thoughts before doing it, even if just for a second….

Posted in:Bikini|Britney Spears|Candid|Unsorted

2007

24

May

I am – Heidi Montag Bikini Pics of the Day

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So this is some bitch I’ve never really heard of because I am not really into the whole MTV thing since I don’t have cable, and even if I did have cable I would probably be watching Discovery to learn how things are built or TLC to watch the Baby Story show. It turns out that one of my friend’s from the park just found out his recent mail order bride is pregnant and that they will be having their first baby in 9 months from now. So I’d like to use this site to say congratulations and good fucking luck ever making it back to the park when you’re too busy changing diapers and shit. You life as it was is over, but that’s not a bad thing because drinking on a park bench with a bunch of losers isn’t really living anyway.

A congratulations goes out to this couple too because it turns out that this breast implanted Varsity Cheerleading Squad Captain lookin’ stripper and her boyfriend who looks like some dick named Blair who is the Varisty Tennis Team Captain just got engaged. It’s like one of those obnoxious blue blooded engagements you see in the movies where the Prom Queen and KIng live happily ever after or some shit. Lucky for us, this isn’t a movie, and the chances of him sticking it out with her are pretty fucking slim, because her fake tits or not she still looks like a horse….and tits are only a fun distraction when your ugly girlfriend gets them and for the first 6 months of her having them and then the novelty wears off.

It’s like when you got your first Nintendo you could really only handle Mario and Duck Hunt for so fucking long before you had to beat up and steal from the fat kid at school who was an only child and who had every game ever made because his parents felt guilty for not giving him a friend to play with and compensated by giving him toys….

Let’s hope that daddy goes bankrupt, boyfriend leaves her and that she can’t land work and is forced to turn to stripping because her fake tits were like a business expense that made her pretty qualified for the job..

Posted in:Bikini|Engaged|Heidi Montag|MTV|The Hills|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

23

May

I am – Sharon Stone Bikini of the Day

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The last time I saw a 50 year old in a bathing suit was when I worked at the YMCA for a week before getting fired for walking in the women’s locker room by accident at rush hour. The problem with my plan to walk into the women’s locker room to see all the younger and hotter pieces of ass that worked out there was that I didn’t think things through properly. If I had been working there a little longer before making my move into voyeur janitor, I would have figured out that all the young tight bodied women who go to the YMCA show up in their workout gear and leave in their workout gear. The only people who get naked and stay naked for an hour while getting ready are the chicks with white pubic hair. They are also the ones who took the aquarobics class and would slowly make their way to the pool to play in the shallow end strutting their stuff like their very own Baywatch….

Now Sharon Stone may not be in an aquarobics class and she may not looks like a senior citizen yet, but her ass does and that’s all that really matters to me.

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Cannes|Sharon Stone|Unsorted|Yacht

2007

23

May

I am – Martina Hingis Throwback Bikini Pictures of the Day

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Fuck, since I am on this Eastern European kick, I figured I’d post these Martina Hingis pics from 2 years ago. She’s in a bikini and letting the world know that female athletes have about as much sex appeal as my dick. No wonder girls don’t like sports and are more into sipping cocktails, wallet fucking and doing pills to stopping eating to get in shape. Muscle tone makes for no tits and testosterone development and testosterone makes for clits the size of a man’s thumb, at least it’s something to suck on that’s not gay….

I may have already written the story of the day the little league baseball coach taught me that steroids make a woman’s clit grows to the size of a man’s thumb, he had a mustache and filled every stereotype and cliche a baseball coach with a mustache could and telling a 10 year old about clits is a little fucking creepy and added fuel to the molester profile, but he never touched me inappropriately he just told me dirty stories. I am glad that I wasn’t a very good looking kid or very good at baseball and that I wasn’t invited to his MVP parties that I was so mad I wasn’t invited to at the time, but in retrospect I am so happy that I was just a young Mexican who couldn’t speak the language or play the sport….

That said, Communism makes for good Athletes with strong militant coaches who don’t molest the athletes because they are too busy pushing them to win. Communism also makes for great mail order brides…after seeing these pics, I think I’ll stick to the mail order brides….

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Posted in:Athlete|Bikini|Martina Hingis|Tennis|Unsorted