I ended up going to this house party of a guy I know who lives in this loft that is pretty much nicer then any place I have ever hung out in and definitely nicer then any place I will ever live in. Hes a pretty good friend of mine, so doesn’t mind it when we go over to hang out, or when he finds me in the kitchen pretending like I live there, if only for a minute or two, because I will never get to live in a place like that ever.

There was this weird couple there who were getting ready to leave the city for some reason that has sipped my mind, that had the biggest bag of cocaine I have ever seen in life. You know those ugly couples that show up at parties, and at the end of the night, you all talk about it and realize none of you know them and it becomes this big mystery where they came from? This was them.

Anyways, I couldnt really tell you how much coke it was, because when your a cute young girl, you don’t buy drugs, they are just given to you. Therefore you end up a) having no idea the quantities of things like that and b) not knowing how much it costs. Everybody I know complians that coke is a shit drug cause its expensive, but since I don’t pay for it, I can’t really identify with that. I like uppers, not downers, and if you’re giving them to me for free I will take them.

Anyways, this dude was a drug dealer, which didn’t take long for anyone to figure out, since he kept just like talking about his shit all god damned night, regardless if the direction of the conversation brought us around to his current profession or not. It reminded me that I really fucking hate most drug dealers. Some of these assholes will run around talking and gloating about what they do, pulling out wads of hundreds of dollars and flashing their fucking money around, then complain when they get caught. I still did their free coke until around 8am, and met some guy I think I will likely have sex with in the near future, so overall, it was a good night.

Here’s Britney Spears, her ass reminds me of the ass of the girlfriend of the drug dealer.

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I dunno if you guys are familiar with this show Dirty Jobs on Discovery. Basicially this dude Mike Rowe has to go and do all the shitty, disgusting jobs that you and I don’t think about while you’re busy being a freelance whatever and I’m sitting here writing this for all 3 of you to read. Anyways, I had this great idea for a special edition they could do, and posted it in their forums HERE though I have a feeling they may remove it rather quickly. I really hope he replies.

Below is the full post I made today:

Dear Mike Rowe and the Dirty Jobs Crew

Let me start by saying I’m a big fan of you and your show and was thinking this morning that I had a great idea for one of your upcoming episodes of Dirty Jobs. As a part of my own job, I get to comment and basically make fun of celebrities all day. It’s really great. It gives meaning to my life and most of the time is pretty funny. I also work at Dairy Queen part-time but I think I’m getting fired. That’s another story.

Anywhoo, my idea is that you could go and be Britney Spear’s assistant for one full week, as I think that is probably the dirtiest job on the planet right now. You get to wake her up out of Vicodin and Valium hangovers and hold her hair while she barfs. You get to change poopy diapers that haven’t been changed in a few hours, pick the head lice out of her hair weave like an orangutan and you may even have to see her naked. I can’t think of a dirtier job then that, can you?

I think it would be a great episode and that it would help your ratings a lot, not that you need it. If you can’t do it, I understand, because I know your producers may not like the idea. I get the feeling they aren’t half as cool as you are and they probably all wear suits to work and eat salads. That’s pretty lame. Nonetheless, send me some full frontal nudes, fully shaven. I think you’re pretty hott.

Hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com
Stepdaughter[at]drunkenstepfather.com

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It’s getting to the point where as much as I want to write something funny about her, I’m almost so fucking shocked that she runs around doing what she does, and I just don’t know what to say. You know the whole wanting to look away from a car wreck thing, but can’t etc. I’m sure we’ve all been there and you get it.

I have a friend name Sean who gets laid probably more then anybody I know. The funny thing is that, by general standards, he isn’t the best looking guy in the traditional sense. Still tho, he accepts himself for what he is and wears his ugliness like a well earned medal of honor, and chicks pick up on that, and it a fucked up way, that’s what makes him attractive. And I mean he don’t sleep with fucking pigs either, he gets like girls that average an 8/10 or higher. He’s got charisma that is actually quite humbling to watch, and if I didn’t know him for as long as I have, I’m sure I would have given him a go by now as well. There’s a lot of be said for confidence, and if you ever decide you want to loose your virginity, you should think about that, for real.

Being white trash and so full of yourself to the point that just seriously have no concept in regards to how you are viewed by other people in the world is just some fucking next level shit that I am still very, very far off from understanding. I am definitely way to hungover to wrap my head around it right now. I don’t think Sean in all his wisdom would even understand this, though maybe I should ask him when we go out tonight. He owes for 40$ and it will be a good lead in to warm him up to the part where I’m like “Oh, by the way WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MONEY?!?�

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

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This is Britney Spears no longer pretending to be something she isn’t. She’s finally looking as fast and easy as a drive-thru McDonalds. I want to say something mean because she used to be a big deal, but now that I can relate to her, I kind of want to stick up for her. Besides, if I defend her, maybe she’ll read this, fall in love with me, and I’ll get to put it where K-Fed did, and even though that’s kind fo gross, it would make a great story to tell at the park.

Speaking of being trash, this weekend I went to this BBQ full of rich kids working on their PhDs. Some dude tried making me feel little with his psycho-babble bullshit butI just smiled and nodded like I didn’t have a clue what he was saying. Then when he wasn’t around, I asked his girlfriend if she wanted to do me. She told me that she most certainly does not, and I said that it was probably for the best because I was too drunk to get it up anyway. I told her if she wanted me to go down on her, though, I’d be over at the park, and sauntered off with a couple brewskis for the road.

When she didn’t show-up, I wasn’t too disappointed. After all, I wasn’t all that much into her because she wasn’t Mexican. Which reminds me, not a single Latina has e-mailed me yet. The only thing I get in my inbox are viruses — which is wierd, because I’m used to catching shit from Sugar Nell, not an e-mail. Anyway, if you’re a Latina who needs to get married to stay in the country, you should e-mail me because I’m lonely and love you.

Harley Houston

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Here’s Britney Spears at a hotel in a Beverly Hills, which makes no sense to me whatsoever because as far as I know she has a house in Malibu or Los Angeles or something other really nice place I will probably never get to go, let alone live.

When I was about 8 or so, I knew this kid who always wanted to sleep over. Like, all the time. My house sucked, we never had good snacks, and the only toy I had was a dirty stuffed rabbit I got from from some relative that came over once and never came back, possibly my real father.

Meanwhile, this kid had a pool and a kitchen so filled with food it was like a restaurant, complete with a Nanny who would cook whatever we wanted while we sat and played video games. I asked her one day about it, and she told me that she thought my parents were “cooler”. Only through the eyes of an 8 year old can extreme obiesity and alcoholism be viewed as cool.

I never really understood that, and I don’t understand this thing with Britney Spears now. I’m sure this hotel is nice, but I am also fucking positive that the multi-million dollar house she owns is way fucking nicer.

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