Tits Archives - Page 62 of 79 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2007

31

Aug

I am – Jesse Jane’s Porn Tits at the 10th Annual Adult Night Club and Exotic Awards of the Day

This girl on my AIM was telling me about some dude she’s fucking who is pretty dirty, even more dirty than the dude who jerked off on her panties. This motherfucker no only took her anal virginity while choking her, he also told her that he wants to fist her and when he tried he couldn’t get past three fingers, so the next day he shows up at her house with a speculum and a DVD filled with anal porn, but not anal porn he bought, anal porn he downloaded off the internet….obviously classy.

So this bitch has issues and is submissive and decides that this guy, despite being married deserves her full attention, I guess since she gave him her ass at 30, he holds a special place in her heart. So in efforts to please the asshole she’s shoving this thing in her to stretch herself out for him to fist her and live his fantasy out, while treating her like nothing but a whore….

That means, after he’s done with her and got what he wanted and walks, she’s going to be there all loose vaginaed and confused as to where shit went wrong.

This is a fucked up story, that I didn’t make up and that proves that people out there are fucking insane. When I used to get with girls, I’d try to make them do kegels to tighten their shit not loosen it, but maybe that was because I am not into fisting and I have a retardedly small penis.

So whatever your fetish is, remember some of us are judging you and think you’re a twisted sick fuck. That’s all I have to say about that.

Here are some pictures of pornstar Jesse Jane and her dirty fake tits at some porn awards I wasn’t invited to. Just knowing how many dudes have cum on those things makes me feel dirty looking at her, but I’d still do her if I could get it up.

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Posted in:cleavage|Jesse Jane|Pornstar|Tits|Unsorted

2007

31

Aug

I am – Paris Hilton and Her Sister Partying of the Day

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I went to a bar the other night because I like getting drunk. I sat in the corner and drank my face off because the drinks were cheap and that’s what I do. ON the dancefloor there was a bitch who was doing the Paris Hilton. Now I don’t know if you guys know what the Paris Hilton is, but it’s a distinct fucking Bow-Legged stance dance that younger girls picked up by watching The Simple Life or visiting Perez Hilton. Anyway, this hot model lookin’ bitch is doing the Paris Hilton and to her right was this scraggly bitch with extensions falling out of her hair, a leopard print bra was hangin out of her shirt and short shorts jacked up her ass. So you have this tall thin hot model doing the Paris Hilton and her little ratty friend trying to get attention to make-up for her obvious shortcomings by rubbing her cunt up against the speaker and there I am thinking that I just experienced the very local Simple Life with girls I’d rather fuck. Reality is that the model will probably develop a drug addiction and her only gigs will be at the local supermarket handing out tampon samples and the rat will end up knocked up with some black baby who she doesn’t know who the father is, but these bitches will still be less useless to the world than the real Simple Lie. I would have bought them a drink to celebrate but figured why bother, I’d rather use my limited budget on myself, drink special or not and they don’t need drinks they were already jacked on Meth….

Here are some pictures of Paris and her useless sister dancing up at some club in some place recently….

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2007

30

Aug

I am – Karen Mulder Bikini on a Boat Pictures of the Day

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Karen Mulder is some model who was big at some point in her career and tried to kill herself in 2002 by taking pills like she was Owen Wilson. IN 2006 she had a kid and I am reading wikipedia right now…..

Speaking of suicide and kids, I am always fascinated when a guy tells me he has a kid, it means that some girl liked him enough to keep his baby and I just can’t seem to grasp that concept, because girls never even liked me enough to have sex with me when sober, return my calls when, admit they ever banged me, or talk to me if they ever ran into me on the street.

Either way, I landed my wife because she was really fucking lonely and even she wouldn’t have had another kid to keep me around so I am pretty much this dude who will never have a kid because no girl would carry my baby and I will always remain fascinated with guys who tell me that a woman either wants their kid or has their kid, because it means they are doing something I am not and that they are by far more a man than I’ll ever be. I have low self-esteem but the only because after years of the same message being driven down my throat you realize that you suck at something, in my case life. I think it makes for good comedy.

At least better comedy than your depressing life… living the suburban life, with the suburban middle management job you hate, going home to your boring wife who is 35 pounds heavier than when you first met, and ugly kids… making your monthly payments on your house and car…over-extending yourself because you want to take the family to Disneyland, or because your kid’s in private school because you want a better life for him and you need to buy him designer clothes so he doesn’t feel inadequate amongst his peers…Or you’re living at home with your mom, unable to find a job, jerking off more than ever, spending your time online trying to find pussy but even the girls you pay to go on cam won’t show you their cunts…forcing your to carve a vagina into your bedpost, the same bed you slept on when you were ten, because that’s the only thing that would fuck you…….I guess there’s a lot funny about that..

Here are some pictures of Karen Mulder, the bitch who failed at killing herself because she takes life and herself too fucking seriously, while on a boat tanning in St Tropez because life is so hard on her….don’t take yourself too seriously, have fun with your shortcomings because if you can’t laugh about shit you end up being miserable, and there’s nothing fun about crying, now is there, pussy. I am pretty inspirational. I am like a modern day Batman…

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2007

30

Aug

I am – Lauren Conrad Bikini Pics of the Day

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It turns out that girls from The Hills were all out on the beach the other day, running around in their bikinis, and giving us all something to look at, I can only assume something scandalous is about to happen on the show, otherwise they wouldn’t be out together. I may have never seen the show and I have no idea what their dynamic is, but I can guarantee that they all hate each other’s guts and call each other cunts and have cat fights behind closed doors but that’s only because that’s how girls are, especially stupid girls who crave attention and want to be the big stars, but in reality what the fuck do I know about girls….other than that I love tits, ass and vagina…

I was hanging out at the local cosmetic counter this past weekend, because on weekends in the early afternoon, girls borrow their parent’s cars and show up to get their essentials for the week or for the night out that lies ahead so they they show up in casual clothes, like tights or yoga pants or whatever makes their asses look amazing….Either way, the only products they have for dudes in the place is cologne so I’m standing there in the cologne section, trying not to get busted looking at this hot 18 year old’s ass that is squatting and I can swear I can see her full box defintion from behind, when this homeless looking tattooed up 60 year old bitch walks in and starts giving herself a whore shower. So she’s spraying herself down with all different types of cologne and is shaking like a meth addict and sees me looking at the hot chick through the shelving….She doesn’t realize that I am being a pervert and thinks I am actually shopping and that I just busted her, so she comes over to me and starts giving me advice on what cologne to buy, like she’s an expert and a serious cologne shopper when in reality she’s just tired of smelling her own ass when she sits down and this is her best solution to the problem because it’s free unlike doing laundry…Either way, she fucks off and I look back to the hot ass and it’s gone..

Here are those Lauren Conrad pics, because she’s still young and tight bodied and I’d totally watch her squatting in front of me at the cosmetics counter of the local department store…

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2007

30

Aug

I am – Gwen Stefani Shops in her Bikini Top of the Day

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I was hanging out with some street kids last night because I was drunk. I don’t normally make a point of chatting up the dirtiest fucking tra I can find, but when I am drunk I am pretty much willing to talk to anyone who is willing to sit through it and lucky for me, last night’s audience was a group of squeegee punks. They were asking me for a cigarette because I guess they were too poor to buy themselves cigarettes. They had a dog, a guitar and a film camera from the Dollar Store. They asked me to take a picture of them and I asked them to sing me a song, so the dark skinned ratty motherfucker with dreads starts singing about living on the streets. When I asked them where they were headed they told me to get some food and back to one of their apartments. I was pretty pissed off when I found out that the street kids I was dealing with had homes, so I started to give them shit, then they told me that they were all on welfare, lived together and lived the street kid life but didn’t actually live on the street. They were high on meth and when I offered them 20 dollars to do a street kid porn for me, the girl who had the biggest fucking gut, told me she was only 17.

These Gwen Stefani pics are to celebrate lost opportunity and broken dreams because bitch is a fucking suburban punk who made a name for herself in some candy-coated ska band and was marketed as a punk to the world while the closest thing she’s been to a punk is when one tries to squeegee her limo window on her way to a sold out arena show….and the closest thing to dumpster diving bitch has ever done was when she went grocery shopping with her husband in her bikini….and he made bitch carry the groceries…

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2007

30

Aug

I am – Audrina Partridge from the Hills in her Bikini of the Day

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I have never watched The Hills, mainly because I have a penis…and because I am not a 13 year old girl or some kind of homosexual, even though homosexuals seem to be popping up everywhere. It’s like it’s really cool to be gay or someshit. When I was younger, faggots would stay in the closet for fear of people hating them or bashing them, so they’d get married have kids be miserable through the 90s, sneak out on “business trips” and brokeback mountain camping trips, give their wife AIDS then by the time the year 2000 hit, Gay becomes cool, Tom leaves his wife for some dude, she’s devastated and has AIDS, his kids get all fucked up, his daughter disowns men and starts eating box and his son becomes a tranny and the gay movement continues because all these gay kids have gay fathers and it becomes one big “Gay is Okay and socially accepted and it’s wrong to beat up fags and drag them behind pick-up trucks or leave them in ditches to die because we hate gays” party and I guess that’s okay because it’s natures way of population control and because without fags we wouldn’t have bull-dykes and I love getting dirty looks from bull-dykes who hate me for having a penis, it makes me feel like I am an animal in the jungle and she’s about either going pounce and rip my penis off and shove it down my throat, or invite me to go camping at the Vegan conference…

I went to a bar the other night, that used to be a dive and I hadn’t been for a while. I got drunk and realized that 80 percent of the men were poofters, and although the place was filled with chicks who were obviously too good looking to talk to me, they were all dancing on their tables and shit with dudes who thought they were Britney Spears and I felt like the place had turned into a gay bar. so I got drunk because that’s really the only time I feel good.

The point of all this is to say that I don’t watch The Hills….it’s about rich sluts from California that everyone fell in love with when they were in high school, it was scripted reality TV and this bitch Audrina Partridge, who I’ve never heard of, is one of them Now she’s on your screen in a bikini….have fun because her body is pretty tight, her razor burn hot and I’d totally do her.

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2007

30

Aug

I am – Elizabeth Hurley in Some Photoshoot of the Day

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Elizabeth Hurley

These pics of Liz Hurley are from some fashion shoot which may or not be new, and I don’t know enough about fashion to be able to tell or not, and in the end neither do you. What I do know is that when you get as little action as you do, hot women are hot women, and as much as you would like to hold out for that blonde bikini model who lives up the street from you, we both know thats not going to happen, ever, and it makes more sense to beat off to these photos, old or not.

I’ve always liked Elizabeth Hurley because when you here her formal British accent everyone automatically pictures her sitting at home in a formal floral dress, drinking Earl Grey Tea with her pinky in the air. Truth be told, she’s actually from a pretty shitty neighborhood in Britain and had it pretty rough growing up. She’s filthy rich now, especially since marrying that Hindu rich guy. So I guess on some days she probably does sit at home in a floral dress, drinking Earl GreyTea with her pinky in the air, or she just gets naked and rolls around in all her money. I prefer to think of the latter.

hugs and kisses
Marie-eve Martinez

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Posted in:Elizabeth Hurley|Model|Tits|Unsorted

2007

29

Aug

I am – Anna Kournikova's Bikini Top of the the Day

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I found gum on the street today that was still half wrapped and I was fucking excited because the first thing I thought to myself was that I didn’t have to brush my teeth today and anything that gets me out of boring hygiene practices that are totally outdated is fine by me. Enough with my good news….

I came across these pictures of Anna Kournikova eating in a bikini top and I didn’t know whether they were old or new, but figured I sure as hell better post them before my 2 readers who I hate lash-out on me…

I went to the strip club last night because there are serious deals on drinks on monday night, I always call it hurtbag mondays because the people in the place are just as fucking desperate as the girls working…I am talking the ugliest of the ugly strippers are there trying to make ends meet because the weekend didn’t work out too well for them because no one got a dance.

The most amazing thing happened when I got there. All the prime bitches were out working, the college kids were back in town and showing their new found friends what strippers in this city are like and that’s when I realized it was Tuesday, and that I missed hurtbag Monday by a day and that depressed me more than I thought it would. The only real hurtbags in the place were a group of fat chicks who showed up an hour before closing to land some already primed guys they knew were leaving blue-balled. I guess deep down inside I feel at home on hurtbag monday.

I can only assume your life is even more depressing because you read about mine so here is some Anna Kournikova emotionally eating her way into a size 14 for you.

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2007

29

Aug

I am – Anna Kournikova’s Bikini Top of the the Day

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I found gum on the street today that was still half wrapped and I was fucking excited because the first thing I thought to myself was that I didn’t have to brush my teeth today and anything that gets me out of boring hygiene practices that are totally outdated is fine by me. Enough with my good news….

I came across these pictures of Anna Kournikova eating in a bikini top and I didn’t know whether they were old or new, but figured I sure as hell better post them before my 2 readers who I hate lash-out on me…

I went to the strip club last night because there are serious deals on drinks on monday night, I always call it hurtbag mondays because the people in the place are just as fucking desperate as the girls working…I am talking the ugliest of the ugly strippers are there trying to make ends meet because the weekend didn’t work out too well for them because no one got a dance.

The most amazing thing happened when I got there. All the prime bitches were out working, the college kids were back in town and showing their new found friends what strippers in this city are like and that’s when I realized it was Tuesday, and that I missed hurtbag Monday by a day and that depressed me more than I thought it would. The only real hurtbags in the place were a group of fat chicks who showed up an hour before closing to land some already primed guys they knew were leaving blue-balled. I guess deep down inside I feel at home on hurtbag monday.

I can only assume your life is even more depressing because you read about mine so here is some Anna Kournikova emotionally eating her way into a size 14 for you.

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2007

28

Aug

I am – Tera Patrick Showing Off her Tits of the Day

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Since my stepdaughter hasn’t shown up in the last 4 days and has been writing posts from god knows where, I am forced to put up these posts from her gay friend Julien. Now I generally try to stay as far away from fags as I can, not because I am scared they are going to try to fuck me, even the horniest fag won’t hit on me, I just don’t have what it takes and I remember once feeling depressed about that, thinking shit, I must be pretty fucking ugly for a fag not to try to get with me, when fags pretty much fuck anything that walk, but then realized that it’s a good thing..and the reason I stay away from fags is not because of the annoying twang in their voice or annoying light on their feet strut, it is because AIDS is the gay disease and I’ll never forgive them for that….

Since all the blogs with gay writers are making huge money, I am jumping on the bandwagon and hoping the queers out there eventually flock to this site and bring your fag hags with you because that’s when I’ll know that I’ve made it.

Here’s what Julien had to say:

The thing I like about trannies and their boobs is that they know their boobâ€™s arenâ€™t real, they have no problem or hang ups about showing them off. A few years ago I was really good friends with this trannie and she would always wear REALLY low cut shirts and she never wore a bra. After she had a few drinks in her she would go up to guys and start yanking down her shirt and play with her boobs. Because for her, he boobs were nothing more than augmented skin with some silicon stuffed inside. Well this one time she and I were walking down the street and she flashes some guy walking by and this woman runs up to her and starts yelling at her, saying things like â€œYou should have some self-respectâ€? and â€œYou donâ€™t need to show your breasts to get attentionâ€?. I thought that was pretty funny because my tranny friend was not passable at all. I mean infants and dogs could tell that she used to be a man. But here was this woman yelling at her about how women need to have respect about their breasts.

Now I donâ€™t really know how this story links to these pics of Tera Patrick. I donâ€™t know who Tera Patrick is. But Iâ€™m assuming she some sort of tranny because only a tranny would be showing off her boobs like that.

P.S. I was trying to think of something to write about her dumbass sparkly Hello Kitty necklace, but I couldnâ€™t come up with anything good. So letâ€™s pretend that I wrote something really bitchy. Ok?

Smooch!
Julien

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