Not only is there is an annual train mooning event, but it’s been going on for 30 fuckin’ years. Sure the turnout is almost as pathetic as one of my birthday parties, because I have no friends, and the people who do show up are just homeless lookin’ motherfuckers who have nothing better to do with their days, and I’m sure no one is really making huge bank off this shit, like it’s no fuckin’ Woodstock 1997, but the fact that it happens is pretty fucking amazing and is inspiring me to start up a useless festival of my own called “Annual Riding Drunkenstepfather’s Face Like It was the Bus” festival, but I figure the quality of pussy willing to allow that kind of thing to happen to them will make me envious of the Train Mooning event’s turnout, which isn’t saying much other than that I am a loser.
I used to know a bitch who was into suction on her pussy. She made this device with a plastic cup and a garden hose that she’d but over her vagina and start sucking and one day I was lucky enough to watch. She said something it being the only way she can get off, but I’ll tell you the space creature shit that happened to her vagina under that kind of pressure was disgusting as a vagina should never be seen under those conditions, and it was the one time I couldn’t get off to a naked bitch who wasn’t my wife and the shit looked a lot like Lisa Rinna’s mouth.
Here is Lisa Rinna on the beach and she is fuckin’ jacked and I guess not eating is the least she can do after spending all that money over the years on lips, tits, and labia reduction surgery that has yet to be confirmed but would explain what the hell is on her face.
It’s a pretty bad sign when you have breast implants and shit looks like its sagging, it means you’ve been emotionally eating a little too much since the second love of your life’s dick got burnt off in a plane crash and you haven’t been able to fuck in months, I mean I guess that’s what’s going on here, or maybe she’s just fat because that’s what happens when Playboy and Reality TV doesn’t want you anymore, and who really cares, I know I don’t.
I guess I was wrong about Christian Audigier. I thought he was just some full of shit cocksucker who managed to use his Von Dutch hat money to exploit some famous tattoo artist for a bunch of his famous designs to put on the most obnoxious and expensive t-shirts in history, but watching him fix this groupie wallet fuckin’ dumpy whore’s bikini on the cheesiest yacht in the history of yachting that is stocked with orange old men trying to relive their 20s with a giant sequined, gold foiled logo across the bow, Audigier is proving that he really understands garments and the complexity of bikini tops because not only is it part of his extensive product line, it is also a line item in the rider he issues to the escort agency when hiring sluts to hang with him and his old buddies on his yacht, because he’s pretty much won the fuckin’ lottery and I blame you.
While Kim Kardashian went to host some Pepsi Bullrun event in leather, I guess in honor of the Bullrun in Spain, or I hear that Khloe Kardashian was their playing the bull. They didn’t feed her for days, the tied up her balls to really fire her up and they let her out on the street where people ran away from her in fear, and I hear there were deaths, just a lot of excited homos/closet cases on all fours with their pants around their ankles in hopes she’d mount them and “accidentally” sodomize them to death.
It looks like Ali Landry is on the “Get in the Tabloid to Show Off My Mom Body Kick”, so she hired a paparazzi agency to follow her to the beach, where she posed and played in the sand with her daughter in hopes of tricking everyone into thinking she’s just this cheery and posing when she’s on the beach with her daughter, so that they publish her picture as a “hot mom body of 2009” hopefully to add some fuel to her career, like any desperate has-been who was only known for her looks would do as her celebrity status dwindled down to pretty much nothing, but her bank account is still intact because she married some rich motherfucker as wallet fuckers tend to do.
Here she is with her topless daughter cuz it’s never too young to teach them how to make a dollar or at least show them how mommy got famous. Next weeks lesson is on the gag reflex….
Janice Dickinson brought her corpse to the beach….at least that’s what I hear her pussy smells like….at least that what her body makes me think her pussy smells like and I figure jerking off to this half dead whore is a lot easier than digging up fresh corpse in the cemetery risking getting caught or having a heart attack, or even easier than applying for a job at the mortuary to get your fix of rotting cunt.
The last I heard from Paris Hilton’s New BFF was that her dad is in the FBI and he’s going to ruin my life for posting that video of her.
The last time I got drunk, which was last night I had a mission set out to shit the bed when I woke up. It didn’t happen so now I’m left with nothing but broken dreams and failure.
I tell myself there is always today, and the rest of my probably limited life, but I know that if it hasn’t happened yet, it will never happen.
We are all allowed to have goals and ambition, even if they are as useless as shitting the bed.
I reached 4,000 followers on Twitter. I think 100,000 means celebrity status, so if you’re on the shit, follow me on the shit, and get the first word of my shitting the bed plans, before I wake up dry, scared and alone, with no pile of shit snuggling up next to me.
I don’t know what’s got into me today, but after months of severe hatred and disgust for Katy Perry, I came across these bikini pictures and found them almost hot. Maybe I’m desperately horny, maybe I’m over the fact that I hate her and her music, or maybe I’m just getting tricked by her tits, and I guess I have no choice but to share this horrible turning point in my life with you.
Monica Cruz is in a bikini in Ibiza and I’m not. She is the bootleg version of Penelope Cruz/her younger sister, only she comes without the offensively big nose and has a better body, but you know is insecure as shit because she lives her life in the shadow of her Oscar winning sister, meaning her inadequacies in life convert nicely into over compensation when sucking on a dick. Keep aiming to please, maybe one day you’ll figure out a way to come out on top and beat your cunt sister you pretend to love, but deep down inside know you hate…
