Guys find Olivia Munn hot. I find her annoying. Sure, I’d fuck her, but I’d fuck anything. Sure, she’s good looking enough to get her on TV, even if it is on a network only virgins and nerds watch. Sure, she’s the kind of girl who would be alright to hang out with, you know joking around, pulling pranks, not worried about making a fool of herself, kinda like a stand up comedian and kinda like a dude, but I’ve always liked my girls to be ladylike, if they weren’t the kind of girl passed out in the gutter looking for their next fix. You know, someone who is maternal and ladylike and worries about whether or not their dress fits proper or if they are getting fat. Who watches girl TV shows and who likes kittens and other girlie shit and who is someone I can’t imagine even takes a shit. I find nothing attractive about a girl who talks about shitting, who farts when watching sports, or who makes a mockery of being a chick. God gave you a vagina, so you don’t have to go break boundaries by changing tires, or doing action sports, just fucking learn how to cook like a good fucking girl.
That said, seeing her with her panties in her face remind me of one of her stupid novelty acts, so unless she’s pulling these fucking things off her clammy fucking cunt, or inserting them inside her, like those weird porns, she should save the panty sniffing to the perverts like me creeping at the laundromats.
I somehow managed to get on Kanye’s email list. I guess he sends shit out to various blogs to get some more exposure as part of his marketing strategy. He makes it look like he’s personalizing the shit, which makes us feel really important so we post it.
The truth is that I don’t really care either way. In fact, part of me hates everything about Kanye West and the other part of me really doesn’t give a fuck either way. I get he’s an ego, it’s an act, he’s insecure, his mother died for his sins and all that shit, but when I get emails like this, I can’t help but post them, because they are the kind of wisdom I feel we’re all lacking in our lives and by wisdom, I mean insanity. On a side note, I like how it’s all in caps lock, shit alienated me so much I only got through the first couple lines but liked where he writes thanks Paris because a genius loves company or some other ridiculous thing.
Subject: LAST DAY IN PARIS!
“THIS IS MY LAST DAY IN PARIS AND IT’S BEEN CRAZY. I’VE MET SO MANY DOPE PEOPLE. I FEEL SO INSPIRED BY THE TRIP… I’VE BEEN THINKING OF RAPS, BEATS, CLOTHES, VIDEOS ,STAGE DESIGNS AND PHILOSOPHIES … I ALWAYS FEEL MY BEST WORK IS MY NEXT WORK… I’VE MADE SOME GOOD CHOICES AND SOME MISTAKES… I’VE BEEN LOVED AND HATED…. I’VE BEEN HAILED AND RIDICULED… I’VE BEEN INVITED TO SHOWS AND AS USUAL ASKED NOT TO COME… I’VE BEEN ATTACKED FOR BEING ME… FOR BEING BRIGHT RED IN A GREY WORLD…. I AM NUCLEAR ENERGY… WHEN ENCAPSULATED IN AN IDEA OR BOX LIKE A STAGE OR SHOE DESIGN I CREATE MAGIC… WHEN LEFT FREE SOMETIMES I BURN THINGS… IT’S THE NATURE OF A TRUE ARTIST… I AM NOT PERFECT AND I WILL NEVER BE WHAT I WAS TAUGHT MY WHOLE LIFE AND THAT WAS TO BE “CHRIST LIKE”… I’M FINE WITH JUST BEING THE BEST ME! I ACCEPT AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY MISTAKES AND LEARN FROM THEM. I WILL NEVER ATTACK NEGATIVE PEOPLE AND THEIR ENERGY…I FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY DON’T THINK FOR THEMSELVES BUT MERELY BASE THEIR OPINIONS ON WHAT THEY WERE TAUGHT. LIFE IS A GAME! IF EVERYONE UNDERSTOOD WHAT I WAS DOING WHEN I WAS DOING IT THERE WOULD BE NO CHALLENGE THEREFORE NO GAME. IT IS THE CRACK IN THE WALL THAT ALLOWS LIGHT TO SHINE THROUGH… SOOO THANK YOU SENSATIONAL NEWS REPORTERS … THANK YOU GOSSIP SITES… THANK YOU BARBER SHOPS… THANK YOU TO ANYONE WHO THRIVES ON THE DOWNFALL OF OTHERS FOR I WILL NOT FALL!!! YOUR PESSIMISM IS MY POWER… YOUR PRESUMPTIONS LEAD TO MY REDEMPTIONS … I DON’T LIKE THE OBVIOUS… I LIKE THE TENSION… I LIVE FOR THE FIGHT… I AM A SOLDIER OF FREE THOUGHT IN A CLOSED MINDED WORLD AND I AM READY FOR WAR… I HAVE LOST EVERYTHING SO I AM FEARLESS … YOU OBVIOUSLY DON’T KNOW WHO YOU’RE UP AGAINST… I WILL SPARK A GENERATION OF THINKERS WHO WILL QUESTION TRADITIONAL THOUGHT UNTIL THEY FIND THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME SOMEONE TO PROVE WRONG AS I HAVE DONE FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE… YOU FEEL THE WORLD WILL NEVER CHANGE.. YOU FEEL MISERY IS THE ONLY COMPANY… AND I AM HERE TO PROVE YOU ALL WRONG… (I’LL GIVE THE SECRET TO MY DEMISE FOR ALL THAT WISH I WOULD JUST DROP DEAD…. ACCEPTANCE!!… IF YOU COULD FINISH MY SENTENCES THERE WOULD BE NO REASON TO START THEM. ) THANK YOU PARIS ONCE AGAIN FOR ALLOWING ME ACCESS TO THE GREATEST ARTISTS AND DESIGNERS THIS EARTH HAS TO OFFER… THANK YOU FOR THE INVITATION BECAUSE GENIUS LOVES COMPANY”
Let’s hope he keeps me on this crazy email list. It feels like group therapy with a self absorbed prick who preaches his crazy theories and over analyzed ideas and I find that fun. Next time I promise to read the whole thing.
Here are some pictures of Ali Lohan doing a photoshoot. I am not going to lie, I am a little torn because of these, sure I deem them totally inappropriate, as her dress is sheer and her titties are busting out, because getting off to pictures of 15 year olds in pictures is a crime and sexualizing a 15 year old should be a crime, but no one can control your dirty thoughts, so you should probably just keep it to yourself and not tell the world the things you’ve done to yourself thinking about hot summer days spent at the Dairy Queen or the public pool.
The reason I am torn is because it is perfectly legal to bang 14 year olds in Canada, so if let’s say Little Lohan looked 15 and not 40 and was hot and not a haggard, busted up and broken down faced monster, and these pictures turned me on I could go find my own Local Little Lohan, put her in this little outfit, have her dance around the room a little, before teaching me what she learned watching Gossip Girl, but the second I bust out a camera, I get arrested and that doesn’t seem fair, it’s like make it all legal, or make it all illegal, but not being able to document you sexual conquests should is the fucking crime here.
Point being, I am not down with 15 year olds, they just aren’t experienced enough to bring the slutty, and if they are slutty, it’s all an act. I figure let the teenage boys premature ejaculate for them and I’ll take em over at 18. Unfortunately, that never happens, but I can pretend it does, this is the internet.
Dina Lohan doesn’t think the same way as me. She wants people jerking off to her daughter, because she knows sex sells. I mean her vagina is the only reason she’s ever accomplished anything in her life, from free coke to her daughters’ careers, and that should be fucking criminal, because I remember when I tried to sell my stepdaughter to the neighbor when she was 16, my wife threatened to get me put the fuck away, but the second you get off the street and on the screen, shit’s totally accepted. Injustice.
Point being, Dina Lohan needs to rethink her parenting strategies, not that she’s a parent in anyway or has ever been one. She’s always been someone using her kids to give her the glamor she’s never been able to get for herself, no matter how many blowjobs she gave, it was just failed dreams.
So in her jealous rage towards Miley’s success, while thinking her Ali deserves that fame, and because Miley got all that press for her whore pictures, she goes ahead and coordinates this photoshoot, hoping for results. Unfortunately, Ali Lohan will never be a Miley, because her sister ruined all chances of her doing anything in life that isn’t porn and this is just a preview of what’s to come.
By the looks of these pictures, she’ll be alright going down that porn route and I mean she’s already got a head start on other future pornstars, since her mom’s been prostituting her all her life. Sure other pornstars-to-be may have the advantage since they are at home being molested/ raped / trained in their trailers by their dads, but Ali Lohan’s already comfortable in front of a camera….and that will probably go a long way. I also hear she’s a triple threat, but haven’t quite figured out what that means….
I was checking the obits today to see if anyone I know has passed on. I do it every couple of days, not because I plan on going to funerals, but because I just like knowing, especially when they are dudes I used to run around and get drunk and high with, because it reminds me that I’m next so I might as well update the site because it may all end soon.
Anyway, I get to the site and guess who is lookin’ back at me, fucking Lohan and Ronson advertising Myspace. Sure the whole thing was totally inappropriate, but I mean what kind of ads can you really run along a person’s death notice? But I just imagined kids logging on there to read the notes people are leaving their dead parent or sibling who died from childhood cancer, eyes filled with tears, ripped from the inside out with emotion, only to experience this journey with this lesbian fucking duo and I was offended.
Until I realized that it’s some weird psychic shit, that brings up so many questions. Is it their relationship that is about to die or is dead, is it because Lohan’s career is dead, or is it just a preview of what’s to come when Lindsay finally kills herself because dying will bring the notoriety she’s always wanted and her multiple personality/manic depression, her drug use and her starvation, will get the best, and that’s when I realized why the run such inappropriate ads, it’s to give the people hurting hope, hope of a brighter day to come and new beginnings, a hope of life going on without that loved one, a life without Lohan polluting it.
Some dude was mad I posted the kitties as shark bait video, like I fucking produced the shit, or actually went to the local SPCA and fucking adopted 10 kittens just for that purpose, when everyone knows if you’re going to kill a cat, make it your cunt neighbor’s because he loves it so much while you hate him so much….he told me something along the lines that I should be used for bait. So I suggested we use my wife’s miscarriage she keeps in a jar in her panty drawer because she just can’t bring herself to flush it as it reminds her of what could have been before her shitty reproductive organs ripped those dreams out of her and all over the bathroom floor. He never responded. Asshole.
Here are some links to get you through the night….
Having The Right Type of Women Makes Life With Living GO
I’ve gone down a bit of a weird road the last few posts. I probably shouldn’t have gone down them, but sometimes it’s okay to post shit that I’d normally never post, especially when I am feeling lost and confused. The truth is sometimes you need to switch things up and take that road you were explicitly told not to take by your foster mother because the guy who lives at the end of the street is fucking creepy and a reported sex offender. You know try new things, even though she told you over and over again not to knock on his door to ask for money for the church charity you were running, but if I had listened I would have never made the 25 dollars and got the chance to sit on Santa’s pantless lap in the middle of July and tell him all the things I wanted before having him tell me all the things he wanted to do to me….if you know what I mean.
To get my focus back, here are some nipples from some Paris Week Fashion show, because nipples are awesome.
If you’re wondering why Seal is smiling in these pictures and I know you are because you have a weird thing for Seal, you’ve been a fan since that Kissed by Rose song, because it really touched you in places you’ve never been touched, it’s because this motherfucker has won the game of life. Dude has kids with Heidi Klum, he’s got money and a career, and brother can sing, that’s why this motherfucker is smiling, and you can go back to looking at yourself in the mirror with a pen and paper writing the pros and cons of whether you should kill yourself or not. The checklist of champions, if you consider being a failure a competition.
There is no fabric quite as luxurious as a rodent’s pelt. There is nothing that helps fight the elements and keep you warm like nature’s own, so that’s why I have set up traps around my neighborhood hoping to catch some coons, stray cats, rats and any other unwanted animal. I figure I’ll be doing a service to the community by getting rid of these headaches that piss and shit and eat their garbage and nest in their basements, while getting myself some warmth, style and class, like I was a native or a rich person. I just haven’t figured out how to kill the, clean them, skin them and sew them together, but I’ll be sure to videotape the whole process and sent it to the cunts at PETA.
Here’s some Ivana Trump keeping it classy while looking like a face-lifted monster. She’s a got a typical story, you know a bottom feeding ski instructor from some communist country who married rich Trump and is now set for fucking life after the divorce, making her the best paid mail order bride prostitute in history…..but by the looks of her, I have a feeling she’s the one paying for the sex these days…
These are some pictures of Lily Allen doing the best impression of what her vagina went through back when she had her miscarriage (abortion).
Let me walk you through what’s going on here, you know try to relive recreation with her, since we weren’t with her when it really went down, because she hates us:
In picture 1, she’s showin the fetus coming out of the vagina.
In picture 2, she’s sayin’ “woah, that wasn’t normal, what’s the smell, I feel a little lighter on my feet, there’s a little more hop to my step, get me another drink man, I think I’m losing my buzz”.
In picture 3, upon sobering up a little and realizing what the puddle on the ground was, finally grasping the concept of being free of all responsibility and decides to give the whole “Fuck you fetus parasite, you can’t stop me by gripping onto my uterine wall with your little maggot claws, I’ve got a vacuum cleaner on my side, you had no chance, now get me another fucking drink wanker…”
You liked how I threw in wanker didn’t you, it made it more British.
What didn’t rock, was probably the show she played after these pictures were taken, because no one cares about Lily Allen anymore except me.
Ashton Kutcher made and released this video taken at 7:30 in the morning complaining about his neighbor who is building a house right outside his house and who starts construction at 7 am everyday. So Ashton is doing what any real man would do and is making videos for his lawyer to build a case against the guy and teach him a real fuckin’ lesson about building a fucking house at 7 in the morning.
I find the whole thing funny. I mean first of all, it’s easier to break legs than to send lawyers letters. Second of all, you’re not drinking enough if can hear anything at 7 am, when I drink, I black the fuck out around 5 am and hear nothing until at least 11. I’m talking anything, houses have burned down next door, people have been shot, and I’ve slept through it like a baby. Lastly, we’d all be annoyed with 7 am construction, I am sure we’d want to kill our neighbors, but I doubt we’d make a little video and put it on the internet for the world to see how good we are at being little whiney bitches.
