I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2008

21

Oct

Mary Kate Olsen Gets in a Fender Bender of the Day

I borrowed a friend’s car the other day to take my wife to the Hospital because we thought she was having a heart attack, at least we were hoping she was having a heart attack and by we, I mean me. I figure it’ll be a hell of a lot easier to deal with her bullshit, if she’s in heaven. I’m just jokin’ around, but when we were parking, something I am not very good at, despite having been a valet for about a month before getting fired for complaints of cars being scratched up because I don’t really have very good coordination and I always feel massively slow and hungover, usually because I am hungover, but this time I didn’t actually hit the car behind me to let me know I had gone just far enough, but instead stopped an inch away from it. The good news is that the owner of the Honda was standing right next to her car, walking her massive lesbian dog, that matched her lesbian outfit and her lesbian attitude. She barked at me saying something like “did you hit my car” and I responded saying something like “no, but I wish I had” leading to her getting really mad at me and getting in my face because she felt that I was being rude. So I asked her if she was just jealous that I had a woman with me and that I didn’t have to hide my sexuality from the world, leading to a lonely life in a shitty apartment with a dog who sometimes licks my pussy, with his luscious tongue, that despite it’s magical length and ability, still doesn’t compare to a real woman to share my pussy with and that’s when the dog bit me. Bitches.

My wife sided with her, because she’s not as loyal as a dog, saying something like I am abusive to women, I am a pig, I spend my days ripping into chicks, because I am a weak scared coward, so I did what anyone would do and bit her.

Here’s a video of Mary Kate Olsen’s friend in her trendy hippie car bumping into the car behind her despite having a whole lot of room, because she’s a worse driver than me. The truth is that this wouldn’t have been a fuckin’ issue had the paparazzi not been there to watch their every move and I guess the good news is that Mary Kate wasn’t driving because the damage would have been a hell of a lot worse, since she’s always high or at least looks like she is.

Posted in:Fender Bender|Mary-Kate Olsen

2008

21

Oct

Family Guy’s McCain / Palin Nazi Joke of the Day

So family guy did a funny joke where the baby and the dog and the Jewish awkward guy go back in time to Nazi Germany and are getting some heat because they put a McCain/Palin button on one of the Nazi Uniforms.

I think Family Guy is the best show on TV, I don’t really watch TV so I am probably not the person to make TV recommendations, but every episode I’ve seen has had at least one obscure and truly funny thing, and since everyone is shitting on me for being a talentless hack, which is probably true and something I have never denied, because I like to think you’re the one landing here, I’m not the one throwing anything down your throat, so you got to deal with your choices and not bother me about it, especially when I am hating on everything because it makes me feel better about my miserbale existence, and existence made more miserable when SNL fans email me complaining about how it’s so fucking amazing, because I hate on SNL and I hate you for liking it, so I guess we’ll never be friends.

So as I throw out all my dreams I have of us spending the day playing squash together, or getting a beer together, or hitting on girls together, because we just won’t work out (no homo), I decided to post this clip recognizing something good.

Now I am not a McCain or Obama supporter, so don’t email me whining about how it is funny because I am a nigger-lovin’ terrorist left wing piece of shit, like all the republicans out there have been doing up until now, I am in Canada, and it’s just a good joke. So instead of emailing me, how about walking out to your barn, pulling out one of your NRA edition rifles with Chaleton Heston’s face carved into the handle, and put yourself out of your misery and for those of you aren’t too uptight about your political party, you may be able to see the humor in this.

Posted in:Family Guy|McCain|Palin|Politics

2008

21

Oct

Tara Reid in Some More Bikini Pictures of the Day

Tara Reid is still out in a bikini showing up the body she destroys after losing a bet at a Full Moon party in Thailand during the course of her everlasting spring break, where if she didn’t finish a bottle of that Cobra Venom shit the crazy Thai people drink, she’d have to get botched plastic surgery from some back alley sex change operator in Bangkok and her mangled body is the result. Some say that the she could have afforded to hire a real American plastic surgeon in LA, and don’t understand why she didn’t and the answer to that is that it bought into her party time. In Thailand they do it at the party and in America, there’s this whole hospital rules, regulations and formalities bullshit that isn’t doing body shots while getting surgery, while in Thailand, it is highly recommended because it saves the cost of anesthtic. The truth is that I could be wrong about this, maybe it wasn’t Thailand at all, maybe she got her cheap unregulated horrible result surgery in Mexico, or Brazil, or Peurto Rico, because there is no way this shit was done by a trained American Doctor, and if it was, dude needs to lose his motherfuckin’ license. Like that time I lost my license to ill when I found out that the Beastie Boys were Jewish.
Or the time I lost my License to Lady Kill when I realized I don’t know what that means. Or the time I lost my License to Drive You Crazy….Okay time to stop this now.


Since the paparazzi want me dead and I want to continue talking about Tara Reid’s hot washed up party slut body, I have no choice but to link out to another site. That’s just how things are when you’re ghetto like me.
GO

Posted in:Bikini|Tara Reid

2008

20

Oct

stepLINKS of the Day

So since I have nothing better to do than waste my time, I waste my time talking to the sisters of non celebrities, and in not being very good at moving on, I decided to post some of the conversation I’ve been having with Bon Bon D’Amore, who despite her name is not a tacky pornstar, but the daughter of some Pizza Restaurant owner who’s sister was friends with Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton before they realized hanging with a Celine Dion look-a-like was a waste of time….

You’re funny! and you’re right im probably not her little sister…just happen to be some idot that knows her sister’s name. but if i am her sister, what kind would i be if i didnt defend her honor? 😉 if she got you booted from facebook u most likely deserved it and i totaly understand that “what you do is mean” its cool…you dumb fucks and your jealousy are one reason she is famous.you people are talking about her, PERIOD. so please feel free to say all u like because no publicity is bad publicity,,right. aahahaaaa  this industry kills me and i fucking love it. XOXO

Love,

Bon Bon (or some weird freak)  🙂

My Response:

I am a nice guy. You are just very aggressive and it’s a little unnecessary. You say all publicity is good publicity, so stop your whining. I know whining is all you know and was the only way you could get your dad’s attention away from his business and it may have worked when you wanted your Mercedes for your 16th birthday, and your dad got it for you, because it was easier than actually spending time with you, since after years of neglect and focus on his business he felt guilty and felt the only remedy was to buy your love and make you forget he chose his business over you, or at least let you know that all the pretty things you have is because he chose his business over you, so you don’t resent him for the choices he made, but I’m not your dad, don’t take your issues out on me, save them for your therapist, at least that way you’ll be getting your moneys worth.

I understand you live in a rich kid bubble where you are the center of the universe, where you are untouchable and where you think your sister is famous because sites like mine write about her and because she badly djs events for a lot of money despite people lrefusing to be on the same bill or in pictures with her, because they think she’s a joke,  and was friends with Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, two of the most useless people in LA, besides the cast of The Hills and because she’s been in some straight to DVD movies no one will ever see, but the truth is that I am more famous than she is on the internet, and I can give you a little taste of what she’s getting, you know give you the glory you deserve, so you can get out of her shadow, unless you are fat. In which case the only taste of fame you will have is the Superstar Combo at your favorite diner and in which case I will order you a cake any flavor you want, I am generous just let me know. 

On a side note, your sister’s boyfriend’s brother works at Facebook and pretty much set me up to be deleted and that isn’t cool.

On another side note, you and your sister should dress up like Celine Dion and her husband on halloween, you as the husband since you are fat and  have testicles and her as Celine since, because she looks like this Celine Dion impersonator who works at this Dive bar down the street from me and who sings like a fucking angel and wouldn’t even need a costume…..

I hope you are having a wonderful  Saturday and I am happy that we are new found friends and I think I may be developing feelings for you, despite not even knowing what you look like, which may be crazy, but what I do know is that you are perfection.

With Love, 
Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com

Her Response:

Actually it was a bmw :p
Kinda curious what u look like? Must be ugo if u hide behind ur computer

My Response

Bon Bon,

you gotta aim higher, sure BMW’s are my favorite car, but I have no taste and I wanna see you in a Bentley. Quit fuckin’ around.

I am a 38 year old Mexican, I am married. I am about 100 pounds overweight. I am poor. My wife buys my clothes at the Salvation Army. Today I am wearing a pair of sweatpants because they don’t make jeans in my size and if they do, I don’t know where to buy them, so I stick to elastic waistbands, and an old white T-shirt that has a coffee stain that I didn’t make, but it came that way, I think my wife paid 2 dollars for the outfit. I have animal slippers on, I am smoking a cigar, I don’t believe in haircuts and I don’t believe in brushing hair or shaving. My mouth smells like death because I haven’t brushed my teeth often enough and I used to live on the street, I have some kind of infection and a molar fell out last month and I think it is infected but can’t afford to see a doctor. That may be sound like I am selling myself short, but some people like me and I do always have a great tan in the summer and I have a great personality, if you like drunk, bitter, bitchy guys who are always out of breath because their heart is strugglin’. Oh, and my penis is well below average, I blame the weight cuz Oprah says for every 30 lbs you gain an inch, so I should technically be 3.5 inches bigger than my 2.5 inches hard state of today, not that I ever get hard, my drinkin’s been pretty abusive on my libido.

What do you look like and when is our first date?

Love

Jesus

Her response:

you truly are an idiot

My response:

Bon Bon,

Stop flirting with me, this is starting to geta little uncomfortable and you are kinda scaring me but as long as you don’t look like Kourtney Kardashian, I will totally let you lick my asshole.

With Love, 
Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com

Still nothing, so now, she’s out of my life for good and here are my links…

Pink Had a Drinking Problem That She Sorted Out
Now If She Could Only Sort Out That Whole Being a Man and Not Being Female Thing
GO

Reading is FUNdamental!
GO

Olivia Munn is the Hottest Halloweener
GO

This May Come as a Surprise, But I Find the New American Apparel Ads Morally Questionable
GO

Just Ram It!!!
GO

When Did Sarah Michelle Gellar Become Suck a Slut?
GO

Aisleyne Horgan Wallace is in a Wet T Shirt and a Thong
GO

David Ducovney Divorce Drama Starting to Unfold
GO

The Ten Best Political Ads Ever
GO

Canadian Beauty Queens Are Always Good for a Pick Me Up
GO

Tribute to the Naughty School Girl
GO

I Mean, Who Doesn’t Love Ass Cream, Really?
GO

Web Sluts May Not Seem Interesting, But Since You Have No Sluts, It’s Actually Pretty Sweet
GO

Matt Stairs Gets Ass Hammered
GO

Will Smith Like Likes to Pay for Whores That Aren’t Women
GO

How Much to YOU Love MCDonalds?
GO

While the Roomate is Away….
GO

An Internet Girl to Pretend Fuck is Better Then No Girl to Not Fuck, You Know What I Mean?
GO

Good From Far, Far From Good
GO

Trish Stratus Looks Good In Lingerie
GO

Why Hello Tracy Stone
GO

Self Shot Shoves Things in Her Holes
GO

That Old Dude From Soul Train Beat Up His Wife
GO

If Jennifer Aniston is Pregnant With John Mayer’s Baby, That is Hilarious
GO

Striptease of the Day
GO

Because It’s a Gift That Keeps On Giving
GO

Gotta Love the Neighbors
GO

Praise Jesus, Paris Hilton May Leave Us For Good
GO

Kung Fu Election
GO

Assholes with Lamborginis Deserve to Have Them Towed
GO

Double Breasted!
GO

Miranda Kerr, WTF Are You Wearing?
GO

The Best Porn You’ll Find This Hour
GO

Olga Poses For Nudes
GO

Brooke Hogan Has a Cry
GO

Guy Ritchie Sums Up Sex With Madonna in 8 words
GO

Everyone Hates Sarah Palin, and Here’s Some Video Proof
GO

Wedding Concussion
GO

That Asshole Mr.Blackwell Has Croaked and Gone to that Gay Bath House in the Sky
GO

Lanni Barbie Step by Step
GO

How To: Make Your Youtube Video Number One
GO

Jenna’s Porn Bloopers
GO

Some Interview With Some 74 Year Old Pornstar
GO

Adriana Lima’s 3 Million Dollar Tits
GO

Posted in:stepLINKS

2008

20

Oct

Zac Effron Turns 21 and Sluts Come Out To Set Him Straight

Zac Effron turned 21 and I didn’t get an invitation to his party because my penis isn’t big enough, I have to admit that I was a little heartbroken when I found out he insists all men around him have 11 inch erections at all times, something I couldn’t even compete with if I had a penis . But when I found out this birthday went down pretty much 2 minutes ago, because Zac Effron news isn’t something I stay on top of, especially when I am not asked to be a part of the day he became legal, I figured I’d do a birthday post for him and the 21 topless, waxed, muscular men hired to dance for him privately in his hotel suite and for the cougars who made it out to his party in hopes of swaying him to their side of the fence, and by their side of the fence I mean, into their pants, and by the looks of it, they both failed and left the party alone. If only they wore pants but they didn’t, so here are the cougars Amanda Bynes, her legs and Michelle Trachtenberg and her legs and I guess on the positive side of things, it’s always nice to see girls who you used to fantasize about preying on when they were 16, who you have replaced with other 16 year olds, doing some preying on some young pussy of their own, not that Zac Effron has a pussy, other than the man pussy in his ass that’s been popular at the gay clubs, but based on his hair he just wishes that he had a real one of his own so liking girl things wouldn’t come with such stigma and I am not talking about Vanessa Hudgens. In fact…I have no idea what I am talking about or why I did this post.

Posted in:Amanda Bynes|Michelle Trachtenberg|Zac Effron

2008

20

Oct

Gisele See Through Shirt of the Day

I don’t find Gisele anything special, she only proves to me that models have hard features, are tall and broad like monsters and make me feel uncomfortable when standing next to them because I only go up to their shoulders, not that I spend that much time with models, but because I spend that much time thinking about spending time with models.

They have this glamorous life that you think makes them glamourous too, at least that’s what the media wants us to believe and in 10 years after their careers have pretty much dried up, you will find out that they were once the best performing tranny in Brazil, before the big bad corporate Victoria’s Secret people stole her from her dreams and made her tuck it in and play a girl her entire career, at least that’s what I predict is going to happen, but before it does, here she is in a see through shirt.

Posted in:Gisele|See Through

2008

20

Oct

Lindsay Lohan Buys What’s Important in Life of the Day

So if you’ve noticed, Lohan and Sam Ronson are pretty fucking skinny, and here is the reason why. Their diet consists of water, chewing gum, lots of cigarettes and some Doritos in case their blood sugar drops, not to mention, they like to keep their money rolled up nice and tight, because I guess it’s easier to shove in their wallet, and by wallet, I obviously mean, their nose.

Maybe Lohan’s just a creature of habit and has really cut the blow, but can’t seem to drop the habbit of rollin’ her bills, but I’d like to say based on her appearance, she hasn’t and the good news is she’s not out trying to hide it by keeping her rolled up money in her purse to pull out in the club bathroom, because I always hated closet case drug addicts, if you’re going to do it, be proud of it, and cut the fuckin’ lines on the table in front of us, and offer it up to the people around you, it’s the only classy way to do things, and we all know Lohan always keeps it classy while fisting vagina.

Posted in:Lindsay Lohan|Shopping

2008

20

Oct

Funny or Die Still Isn’t Funny – The Natalie Portman Edition of the Day

So Funny or Die came out with another political viral video with a celebrity friend trying to be ironic, or funny, or whatever the fuck this is and it is garbage. If you haven’t seen it, it’s Natalie Portman and Rashida Jones (who?) playing in a bed with puppies as their response to the economic crisis. I am not the smartest guy around so I don’t really get what they are getting at, maybe that the public is ignoring the real issues and focusing on the fluffy materialistic shit, or that we are distracted by shitting and pissing creatures we think are our friends but are really just using us for food, when the real issue is that people like WIll Farrel, Natalie Portman, Jessica Alba, Hayden Panettiere, companies like Funny or Die, NBC, Viacom, MTV, Saturday Live, Lorne Michaels, Tina Fey and every other celebrity voicing their stupid celebrity ideals are worth millions of dollars. So maybe if they were to shut the fuck up and give up half of their multimillion dollar fortunes and put it back into the economy, instead of being greedy cocksuckers with nice houses and cars and a lazy fucking lifestyle that allows them to have the free time to make this smut, the economy would be in a better fuckin’ place. Stop trying to relate to me rich girl and instead of playing with puppies maybe you should fuck yourself….seriously…like stick random things inside you…ideally while gagged with an apple like a pig at a roast, not that you’d know anything about pork, Jew…but at least the video would have some kind of substance, rather than this piss.

Posted in:Funny or Die|Natalie Portman|Not Funny|Political

2008

20

Oct

Dania Ramirez’s Strut in Heels of the Day

Here’s Dania Ramirez leaving the set of Kimmel last week strutting in her high heels like some kind of street worker and it turns out that that’s all it takes for me to post on her.
I had no idea who she was but it turns out she’s some poor Dominican girl who moved to New York when she was 10, who somehow became an actor and I think she’s hot and so do the people who cast her in Sopranos, Heroes and the movie I doubt anyone saw called Quarantine. Maybe my only draw to her is the stories I have heard from people I know who have gone to the Dominican on vacation and who had the opportunity to pay a local to have sex with them, despite being advised not to due to the whole AIDS thing and who said that at the time, these girls were so crazy in bed, the last thing that crossed their mind was dying from the experience, and if they did contract a terminal illness from it and had to be put in Quarantine from pussy for the rest of their terminally ill life, it would have been worth it, so seeing an Americanized version of one is exciting, even though you know that she’s not fucking for money or AIDSed-up because she’s not desperate and hungry anymore, which I guess is one of immigrations biggest tragedies….

Here’s the Dania Ramirez Interview on Kimmel…..since you haven’t seen it, don’t feel bad, Kimmel’s viewership of 10 guys who fell asleep with the TV on didn’t see it either.

Danial Ramirez at the Quarantine Premiere 10 days ago…..

Posted in:Dania Ramirez|Strut

2008

20

Oct

Joey Lawrence’s Matthew Tries To Get Into Someone Else’s Car of the Day

Matthew Lawrence (who?) was at some T-Mobile Party because they were hungry for anyone with a name to show up, even if that person happened to be some guy who hasn’t worked since Boy Meets World and who’s only claim to fame is that his brother was Joey Lawrence and this is a video of him trying to get into the wrong car. I mean, I guess it’s easy to relapse into thinking you can afford a Mercedes, maybe it’s just you getting carried away because someone at the event asked for an autograph because they thought you were the dude on LOST and it got to your head, and reminded you of the glory days, making you think you were still on TV and that you were still getting a paycheck, and the whole thing is pretty embarrassing, but in Matthew’s defense we all make mistakes and forget we are hurtbag losers, I mean just the other day, I almost bought brand name ketchup thinkin’ I could afford it, before my wife reminded me that it’s out of our league.

Either way, the valet still managed to jump start is ’87 Hyundai and get it to him shortly after this video was shot and Matthew Lawrence drove into the sunset to be forgotten for another 10 years….

Stacy Keibler made it out to the event with all the other d-listers who had nothing better to do an I figure I might as well post it because she’s got some legs, which is a nice change of pace from he amputee sluts you are used to because amputees don’t have standards and give you the time of day because they have boy image issues and low self esteem…..

Posted in:Brother|D-List|Joey Lawrence