DrunkenStepFather.com - I'll Make You Famous…

Jenna Ortega for the Beetlejuice Photocall of the Day

Kelly Brook From Big Titty Model to Big Back Model of the Day

Charli XCX for Demon Kim Kardashian’s Brand of the Day

Christina Aguilera and her Botox Face and Ozempic Body Get Slutty of the Day

Shannon Mcmullen is the Instagram Of The Day

2008

Mar

Katie Price Jordan in a See Through Beater With Her New Tits of the Day

1 Comment »

Jordan has a new set of tits and these are them. They still look retardedly fake but they are just a lot smaller than her ridiculous sized tits but still ridiculous sized compared to the rest of the fucking world. She’s not wearing a bra because she’s put so much money into her tits that

In these pictures and I saw some nipple, not that it really impressed me because nipples don’t really impress me and it’s not like seeing nipple I want to see, it’s more like nipple I’ve already seen before more than enough times. What does impress me is what her nipples say about modern science because it is amazing that she’s still got nipples, You’d think those fuckers would have got pretty beat up along their journey living on Jordan’s tit. It’s probably a little more exciting than the life of other nipples who only have stories of being sucked or played with, while Jordan’s nipples are like the Christopher Columbus or First Man on the Moon of nipples, nipples that other nipples tell stories about at dinner and ask for autographs from when they meet them because they just don’t believe all the mystical stories until actually being areola to areola with them….

Either way, it’s good to know that money is being put into breast augmentation research when people are dying of serious terminal illness. It’s nice to see people have their priorities straight while driving their luxury cars and floating around in their infinity pools before spending the day at the spa and shopping for 800 dollar hand cream. Assholes.]

Posted in:Jordan|Katie Price

2008

Mar

Hilary Duff Showing Off Her Tits of the Day

9 Comments »

Here’s some stuff by Hilary Duff and by stuff I mean tits. Look down Hilary Duff’s shirt because it’s the closest you’ll ever get to her which is too bad because based on her tits – it looks like she’s on the pill and you know what they say about girls on the pill, they let you bang them without a condom and they can’t get pregnant…but after seeing what happened to Britney, I can be pretty sure she’s now one of those lame girls who you date all year hoping to just get a chance to bang her without a rubber but she always insists on using one, even though she’s on the pill and even after you’ve been tested for STDs numerous times which was never really an issue since you’re a virgin but you can never be too safe, plus that chick you wanted to bang worked at the clinic and you wanted her to think you were massively experienced.

BONUS – Some Hilary Duff Lookin’ Hot in Fishnets from the Other Day

Posted in:cleavage|Hilary Duff

2008

Mar

stepLINKS of the Day

7 Comments »

I just got a very threatening lawyer’s letter that basically stated that Kristin Davis is experiencing extreme emotional trauma that these nude pictures that aren’t of her are circulating the internet and that I am defaming her character and using her to increase the traffic to my site, despite the fact that the lady who sells beer and cigarettes down the street from me being more famous and more interesting the Kristin Davis…..

I am not allowed to post the lawyers letter here, because I assume Kristen Davis doesn’t want the media to know how much of a baby she is because she let some dude take pictures of him inside her in 1992 and I think she should just appreciate the attention she’s getting because t may lead to better roles…Either way, this was my response.

Dear Big Bad Lawyer Man,

In response to your lawyers letter – I do not claim that the pictures are in fact of Kristin Davis, others websites have said that it is her, not me. I don’t even know who Kristin Davis is, because unlike you and every lonely 30 something single woman lookin’ for hope, I don’t watch Sex in the City re-runs while eating popcorn alone on a friday night, I try to get out and get girls to have Sex in the City on my face.

I do not have any advertisers and I do make money with the site or use these pictures to increase traffic to my website, because let’s face it Kristin Davis isn’t that much of a traffic draw, because being a second rate character on a shitty TV show doesn’t make anyone relevant in my books. I guess she thinks she is more important than the rest of us do and that is why she is taking this kind of action….It must be nice to have more money than you know what to do with, so that you can run after and try to stomp out the little guy because you let some dude take pictures of your pussy.

I honestly think that it is hardly my fault that her sexual practices are of this exhibitionist nature and would suggest she seeks some kind of therapy for her deviance and depravity. In my mind, these pictures are strictly a news item of a public figure, and I use that term loosely, unfortunately not as loose as her nasty vagina looks. I offer satirical commentary and use my right of freedom of speech to express that commentary, I thought that was the American way and I am just a poor Mexican trying to fit into this mean scary world that Kristin Davis is learning to come to terms with too. We have so much in common.

However if removing these pictures is what you are going for, I will have no issue taking them down because in all honesty – they aren’t very attractive and I completely understand why this would cause emotional distress anyone exposed to these images as well as to the person starring in these pictures. Seriously. I know a good plastic surgeon who does reconstructive work on vaginas and I could put her in touch because that thing is meaty and black and that’s something someone’s got to look at, idealy not me because I tried and I think it turned me gay.

Love

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Here is the Lohan Sex Tape Scandal Update:

Here’s the Lohan Sex Tape Video from the Screen Cap I Posted Earlier
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But People are Saying it’s Not Her….
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Here are my links…

Kate Moss is Rejoicing that Jim Morrison is Dead and Was Caught Dancing on His Grave
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All The Glory that are Daisy Dukes
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Learn to Dance, So Maybe Black People Will Like You
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Sarah Jessica Parker is the Unsexiest
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And Now, a Little Dancing with the Stars Nipple Action
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MOre Girls You Never Get to Talk to Ever
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Brazilian Babe Wrestling Video
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How NOT to Rob a Bank
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Avoid Carpel Tunnel Syndrome by Getting Laid Tonight
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Toilet Bowl Love
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Free Beer With Every Wedding. If Thats Not Reason Enough to Get Married, I Dunno What Is
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Getting Laid in REAL Life is Even Better then in the Movies
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Kourtney Kardashian = Boners
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Madonna Goes to the Gym to Work OUt Her Boney Ass
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Steve-O’s Mom Used to Put Booze in His Baby Bottle and Lied About Having Cancer
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Vanessa Hudgens is Hott and I Hope More Nudes Surface Soon
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Stone Cold Steve Austin is Still Alive??
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Sex is Even More Fun When There’s a Women Involvedm and Thats a Fact
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Carnie Wilson Talks About Being a Fat Whore
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Check Out the Hottest Spring Break Bikini Pictures…
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Here’s a Hip Hop Mix By a Reader for You To Listen To
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Oprah Gained 100 Pounds and I Still Fuck Her
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Some Hot Myspace pics of Some Slut Named Daniela Pane
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Here are the 20 Worst Celebrity Tattoos
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Her Name is Sarah Shahi and She’s Fucking Hot
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Top 10 Topless Prostitutes in Movies
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Some Paparazzi Sues X17 – Nice
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An Amazing Bathroom Stink Bomb Prank
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Pete Wentz is a Cross Dresser and Molests Children Through Song…
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Get the Green Lights Everytime You Drive
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This is What Happens When You Wear a Skrit
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Girlfriend Feels Like a Whore, and She Should
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I Can’t Spell This Chicks Name, But She’s Wearing a Bikini
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More Porn than You’ll Know What to Do with. That’s Alot
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And Now, an Armless DJ
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Kristen Cavalarri vs Lauren Conrad – Let the Games Begin
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Ashley Simpsons Trout Mouth
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Remote Control Women, Now Were Talking
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Jewno – The Alternate Version
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Let’s Ghost Ride a TANK!!
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I Don’t Know Where Jewel Have Been but She’s Lookin Hot
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Fun with Lego, Because You Live at Home and Still Play with Toys
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The Whores Next Door Are Eating Ice Cream
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Petra Nemcova is Wearing Lingerie
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You Stay Classy Baby
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FROM PHOTOBUCKET

Some Asian Lookin’ Tits
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FROM THE FORUM

Paradise Lost
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Waste Your Day with These Cartoon Flash Games
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One of the Whores From Rock of Love 2
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Paris Hilton’s Ass
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The Garage Door Mishap
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Twin Sisters Angel and Ashley Long
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Tania is a Lovely Teen
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The Teenagers – Reality Check
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Fat Joe – Elephant in the Room
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Christina Aguilera – Back to Basics
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Method Man – 4:21 Day After
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Van Morrison – TB Sheets
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Cheech and Chong – Sleeping Beauty
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Random amateurs
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Jared might be gay
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We love Oreos
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Monkey that sucks dicks
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Blogging for Dummies…a Book I Should Have Written because I am Dumb…
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The Sexual Key
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Posted in:stepLINKS

2008

Mar

Look Down Kristin Cavallari’s Shirt of the Day

14 Comments »

Yesterday I got an email saying that Kristin Cavallari was suckin’ dick at 13 and today I got one that said:

Dear Jesus,

I read that post on Kristin Cavallari and her dick sucking in camp, I just wanted to let you know that I was one of the guys she sucked off at 13….that’s right…one of the guys. We used to all use her mouth as our own fucking masturbation tool, fuck using a hand when you have a willing girl with her mouth wide open. It made circle jerks so much fuckin’ better, because instead of cumming on the cracker, we’d just all cum in her mouth and the loser would have to snowball the bitch.

There was this one time I had her back of the head in my hand and I was just fuckin’ the shit out of her face and she slid her finger in my ass. At first I thought it was one of my camp buddies getting a little too close for comfort but then I realized it was Cavallari….now at 13 getting your ass fingered is some next level shit that only someone who had been molested would know how to do…so my theory is that she was molested but it was all worth it because she was phenomenal. The best I’ve ever had…oh and she’s a total squirter.

Take it easy man.

J.

That was kinda disturbing and I am going to assume that it’s not true……

Posted in:Kristin Cavallari

2008

Mar

Some Christina Aguilera Isn’t Pregnant Anymore Pictures of the Day

10 Comments »

Posted in:Christina Aguilera|Milf|Pregnant|Tits

2008

Mar

Tara Reid is a Spring Break Mess of the Day

10 Comments »

I wonder what the Cancun Airport smells like when the Spring Break week is over and all the college whores head back to their normal lives. I am thinking like stale beer, cigarettes, cum and aids….a lot like Tara Reid’s vagina.

These are some pictures of our All American Sweetheart arriving in LA after her Cancun party weekend, reliving the last 10 years of her life, since she’s always on fuckin’ Spring Break all year round and she doesn’t even go to school or work because spring break is her job. The bad news is that shit is catching up to her as her face slowly falls off her body…the good news is that all those fees she charges to show up to your party can cover the cost of plastic surgery. I say she’s got another solid 10 years in her before she’s gotta hang up the bikini and sleep it off because this bitch is stamina.

Posted in:Mess|Spring Break|Tara Reid

2008

Mar

Lindsay Lohan’s Sex Tape of the Day

12 Comments »

There was a rumor that Lohan had a sex tape with Callum Best, one of her many boyfriends and people are saying that this is a cell phone pic of her suckin’ dick. I am surprised Lohan actually sucks dick, I took her for the kind of girl who just lies there and lets you do things to her because she’s either too drunk, too lazy and too into herself to care about making you feel good, kinda like thinking she’s doing you a favor for letting you into her sacred place that so many others have ventured into, making it about as sacred as a seat on a city bus, but since it’s expensive and she’s famous, it’s far more luxurious and that’s something you should consider yourself lucky for getting a piece of….

I can’t make out whether the shit is her or not and all these sex scandals bore me because I’m not the one starring in the videos with these famous bitches, but if I was you would all love the way I awkwardly grab women’s tits before giggling and hiding under the sheets because I am shy.

Either way, here are her hard nipples on their way to a private jet….obviously a lesbian private jet…that’s why she’s got the boots on….

Here she is smoking….

Posted in:Blowjob|Lindsay Lohan|Sex Tape

2008

Mar

stepLINKS of the Day

3 Comments »

My email got hacked or some shit, so I couldn’t get these links up fast enough. It’s 5 am and I forgot to sleep because I started drinking coconut flavored drinks and felt like I was on some sort of resort but unfortunately the only bikini clad pussy next to me was my obese wife in a nightgown….That didn’t stop me from playing volleyball with her big tits and now she is mad at me. I should sleep but before I do…Here are m links

Amy Winehouse Nipples Taped Hotness
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Watch this Stupid Fucking Video About Milk
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Pete Wentz Tried To Kill Himself, But Failed Because He Isn’t Good at Anything
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When Booty Shaking Goes Wrong
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The Wonderful World of Wendy The Slut…
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Make Your Own Video Projector and Watch Your Dad’s Porn Lifesize!
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Do Porn the Modern Way. Those Tapes from the 80’s Are Wearing Out
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Donald Trump Like to Use and Exploit Young Girls, So Long as They Aren’t His Daughter
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More Kristen Davis Meat Curtains, In Case You’re Planning on Redecorating
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Girls Don’t Talk to You In Real Life, So Talk to These Pictures and Pratice Your Conversation Skills
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Who’s Ass is the Hottest?? You Decide!
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Christ, The Comedian!
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Heather Mills is a Greedy Fucking Bitch
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Ashton Kutcher is Better than You
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Amy Winehouse Naked Isn’t as Scary as I thought It Would Be
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Some Chicks that May Give You The Time of Day. Maybe
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Charlize Theron Wants to Get Knocked Up, and I want to Help Her Achieve her Goal
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Two Dried Up, Old Vaginas that Are Past Their Prime
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Stop Lying to Your Friends About Being a Virgin
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Blow Up a Microwave, and Make Your Friend Hate You as Much as I Do
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Jessica Alba is Unhappy, Probably Because She is Fat and Pregnant, and Her Career is Over
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Convert All Your YouTube Videos to DVD
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More Reasons I need a Secretary
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So THAT’S Why They Said not to Press the Red Button
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When Voyeur Film Goes Wrong
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Best Version of the Termintor to Date Right Here
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Sophie Howard Makes Me Wanna Move Accross the Pond
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Spiderman Does a Face Plant
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Audrina Patridge is Naked, and You Should Take a Look
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What a Pain in the Anus!
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These Babes are Surfing and I want to Bang them All
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Brides that Look Like Hell. More Reasons to Never Get Married
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Try and Have Sex Today, It Will be Worth the Work You Put In
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Formula 1 Race in the Snow
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I Wanna Slap Rhianna’s Ass Like You slap Your Wang Every Morning
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Lohan is Possibly a Dyke, or Possibly Just Doing it for Publicity.
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Fun on the Trampoline
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The Worst Toy Ever Made
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All the Dancing with the Stars People are Fucking Each Other. How Do I Get on that Show?
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Piracy is a Fun Kind of Crime
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Lauren Conrad Has Ticks
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Some Chick Named Mylene Jampanoi Naked
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Paulie Shore Blaming Black Comedians for his Lack of Work
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FROM THE FORUM!

Underground Kingz
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Show Me Your Desktop, and I’ll Show you Mine
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Some Morning Show Link that Made Me Laugh My Ass Off
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Stripper in Training
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The Things People Do for Jesus (Martinez)
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FROM PHOTOBUCKET:

Some College Party Slut Lookin’ Girl Naked Self Shot
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Some Big Black Tits
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Some Weird Couple to Close Up Oral
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A Compilation of Internet Whores
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Some Amateur Vagina
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Naked in Water
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Emo Goth Chick Showing Some Tit
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Some More Party Girls Modeling Their Bikinis…SLUTS…
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Posted in:stepLINKS

2008

Mar

Adriana Lima Naked for GQ of the Day

11 Comments »

I don’t really care about photoshoots because they are all white washed, airbrushed and not real life, but I figure since I always complain about how busted some of these celebrities look in bikinis on the beach, I’d throw up this naked Lima pictures from GQ because she’s got a hot body.

The last time I was on the beach was a long time ago the only bitches who get half naked or topless seem to be European middle aged women who have had so many kids that their old lady floppy tits and ravaged loosed skinned stomachs aren’t something they are insecure about anymore, it’s something they’ve grown to accept, because if they didn’t then they’d be forced to jump off a bridge or some shit. It’s the equivalent of a fat lady wearing jogging pants out in public because the elastic waistband is he only thing that fits. It’s never the tight bodied teen lookin’ for a tan to bring home to her boyfriend who runs around with her hot body naked. So being a pervert, I was forced to stare at any nipples the ocean offered but I wasn’t very happy about it.

Here are those Adriana Lima pics because this shit never happens in real life….

Watch the Behind the Scenes Photoshoot Video You Pervert.

Posted in:Adriana Lima|GQ|Photoshoot

2008

Mar

Kristin Cavallari Gives Head at 13 of the Day

18 Comments »

I got this email:

funny little fact- kristin cavallari taught me to give head on a flashlight at Camp Edwards in 2001 ( she went to my highschool, barrington high school, but then she got kicked out because she brought weed to school).

funnier fact- i’m drunk as fuck but fact number 1 is still true. i’ll send pics.

p.s. she’s actually a nice lil girl.. except for the fact that she was givin head at age 13

Firstly, I don’t trust any of my readers to have ever known anyone famous, let alone gone to the same camp as someone famous, but since Kristin Cavallari isn’t famous, I call this message FACT. There’s nothing wrong with a 13 year old giving head, unless it’s on you, you dirty old fuckin’ pervert. And there’s nothing wrong with her teaching her friends how to do it proper in camp, it’s kind of the rich girl way, along with developing an eating disorder, cocaine addiction and Paris Hilton attitude by the time they are 16….

It’s a whole new generation out there, I’ve heard about this young girl fucking shit on Oprah and I am jealous because when I was 13, the only head I was getting was the head on my root beer float….actually I was too poor for root beer floats, I just couldn’t figure out a joke for this. I am not very good at this blogging shit.

Posted in:Camp|Head|Kristin Cavallari