Megan Fox went out on a walk somewhere irrelevant in some black tank top showing off a set of perky tits. Now I don’t care for this girl and think she is overrated and I see through her attempt at being a sex symbol, whether it’s saying Jenna Jameson is her idol, or that she’s a bisexual or any of the other shit she spews, I know that she goes home every night to David from 90210 and that’s about has about as much sex appeal as any girl you’ve had sex with, which isn’t very much. It’s obvious that she’s insecure, has low self esteem and her whole act is nothing but an act, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t let her sodomize me with household objects but only if David from 90210 was there to participate. He’s so dreamy.
So I have this theory that Beyonce held off sex with her husband and gave him the silent treatment because she her whining and bitching wasn’t getting through to him, at first he took it well because it was a much needed vacation from his pain in the ass partner in life, but eventually, like all husbands he had to listen to her demands. First she went off about how she doesn’t like that he’s created a bigger star than her in Rihanna and that if he wants to stay happily married he better do something about it, he refused because he pulled the “it’s business” and “she makes me lots of money” angle, but it wasn’t good enough for Beyonce, she wanted Rihanna fired, she was jealous, she was fed up with her taking the glory and no money in the world could justify why her husband would choose another woman over her. But Jay-Z wasn’t budging, so she paid Chris Brown to mangle her face and make her disappear, so while Rihanna is out in Barbados recovering, Beyonce’s not wasting any fucking time recording videos to get out before Rihanna can get back to work….all while being close with some black guy to let Jay-Z know she’s not fucking around…but it’s just a theory.
Ever since the Hong Kong lady freaked the fuck out that hit the internet and Conan’s Last Week of Shows the otherday, everyone’s been hard from fucking China, maybe it’s because shit’s like another planet or maybe it’s because of the Olympics, and I don’t really care.
What I do care about is how amazing this video of a 2 year old kid smoking. I don’t care about the health risks the “Man” claims cigarette cause, when the cancer’s we get are probably a product of the food they sell us and the water they give us to drink, cuz smoking is too cool to be dangerous.
On a side note, if you’ve ever been to China, you’d know that smoking a cigarette is the least of anyone’s concerns, it stinks and the air is so thick it feels like you’re suckin’ a car exhaust’s dick and for 6 months after getting back, you cough up soot. So just enjoy how awesome this video is before crying about how this kid is being abused.
Who are you to say what is right or wrong? Who are you to get involved and preach your fucking propaganda? Do you have any clinical studies that prove smoking at 2 is a health risk? Mind our own fucking business asshole and if you’ve got such a fucking issue with it, make your own fucking baby and treat it how you want it to be treated and let us do what we want with ours.
Following Lily Allen on Twitter the last 2 days has been life changing. First, I saw her call Perez out, then I fell in love, tried to reach out so that she would call me out, she never bothered, so now I’m over that love and back to my old self. I think it’s cuz I got a good nights sleep.
Anyway. This morning she posted her new tattoo, that’s the picture you see.
This is what I wrote her:
it should have been ‘crime scene’ tape and a chalk outline on your FUPA
For those of you who don’t know a FUPA is a Fat Upper Pussy Area, I heard some high school girls making fun of a fat chick about having one, I always knew it as gunt. I’ll admit the joke would have been funnier if I had said womb, but I’m trying not to get banned just yet.
Then last night she wrote that she was sick and cancelled an interview with Dr Drew so Perez tried to be clever saying something smart like “maybe she has an new STD”, good one, useless fuck.
I wrote.
i’m thinking she’s pregnant again…get out the vacuum.
Better one and that’s all that matters…
So, enough about twitter…I fucking hate when people try to relive an internet moment, I just woke up and had to update and will keep my twitter jokes on twitter, where they belong.
I went to the police station with my friend to get finger printed for some petty crime he got implicated in. Turns out that going with someone the cops consider a criminal is a bad fucking idea because the fuckers ended up pushing me up against the wall when I was mocking him from the waiting area, you know pointing and laughing, simulating the electric chair and making prison rape jokes and full cavity search jokes and I guess cops don’t find jokes funny. They ended up cuffing me, bringing me to an office and sweating me about what I do for a living and how I know my friend. I guess they were just trying to teach me a lesson and let me know that a police station isn’t a place for good fuckin’ times, but maybe if they laughed a little more, they wouldn’t be such fucking assholes.
Here are my stepLINKS, I am spent, 4 hours of interrogation for something that was supposed to be a stop off on the way to the fucking bar is draining. If you’re wondering, they let me off with a warning. I guess my bad jokes no one gets are actually a fucking crime, I guess I should have listened to pretty much everyone who has told me I sucked all these years.
You’ve heard the expression a wolf in sheep’s clothing, while here’s some pictures of a pig in leopard clothing, or maybe it’s a dog in a wild cat costume, I was never good at this Old Macdonald shit, but I do know that it’s Halloween at the farm today.
I am guessing that Jordan is shooting a reality show in LA and that’s really fucking life changing and inspiring.
It makes me really want to tap into my brain and find something that relates to girls I know with big fake tits who made it, not that there have ever been any, that shit’s just a myth, because the second a girl gets the shit, they get stupid. They expect their stripping wages to go up and for porn producers or Hollywood to come knocking at their door to sweep them away, because they think that all their problems will be solved with their 5000 dollar purchase, and hey why not, it worked for Pam Anderson, Jordan and 95% of pornstars, what they don’t realize is that they still have busted faces and they are still fucking idiots, and their eagerness to flash their tits at anyone willing to look, just makes them trust every sick fuck with fake business cards and a button-down shirt, leaving them raped and killed in a warehouse. Unfortunately, Jordan didn’t have the same fate and here are a bunch of pics of her.
Jordan Doesn’t Look Like Jordan Anymore….But She Does Wear See Through Shirts….
Bonus – Jordan and Her Hair Curlers For Those of you with a 1955 Beauty School Fetish
When people say that this Bianca Gascoigne chick’s got a big head, they aren’t talking about her fucking ego. They aren’t talking about how being a rich girl has got to her head and made her unbarable. They are talking about her actual head and that shit is scaring me.
Sure you can try to convince me to look at those tits, because they are big and busting out and fucking retarded that I am sure she uses to distract from her retarded head, and by retarded I mean Downs Syndrome.
Gisele’s losing her edge. There was a time she dated top rated American Actors. Where she was on contract with the number 1 company girls want to model for because it means they are worth fucking. Where the public thought she was one of the hottest working models, but I don’t even know what she’s doing now, and I don’t care. I do know she’s not wearing a bra because showing off your nipple gets you noticed when your career is fading as your penis is becoming more and more obvious.
I knew a girl who went on a date with Josh Hartnett. I don’t remember who she was but I do remember the story. She worked at a casting agency locally and dude was in town for a second time filming a second movie here in Montreal. Her boss asked her to go out to dinner with this motherfucker and he went off about his hair. He was asking if it looked better in Wicker Park or for the film he was shooting at the time which was Lucky Number Slevin or some shit. The girl said that it was okay for awkward conversation for about a minute or two, but this just went on for the entire 2 hours until she left as soon as she fucking could….which I highly doubt, because I’ve seen groupie bitches who don’t admit they are groupie bitches and their eyes get big, they get excited in their underwear, and do all they can to get back to his hotel room to fuck him, that’s why assholes like this can spew so much drivel because before he even leaves for the date or meets the girl he is going on a date with, he knows the outcome is going to be whatever he wants it to be.
Here are some pictures of him with some whore who he probably has great conversation with, like whether his dick was harder yesterday or today…or some shit.
