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Archive for the Beach Category

2007

Jul

I am – CSI’s Jorja Fox Surfing of the Day

Jorja Fox from CSI

Last week I was going to meet my gay friend at a bar and have a drunken girls’ night, the kind of girls’ night you can only have with gay men and no other girls. On my way I walked by the New York City Blood Bank. I was wondering if the Bank still bought blood, because i really want a new pair of fuck-me-heels and no one wants to buy my ex-hooker eggs. Next I thought to myself, ‘wouldn’t it be funny if someone was passed out on the steps in a pool of their own blood?’ About 6 yards from the steps, I noticed a fist-size wad of gauze soaked in dried blood. It was half of a dream come true, and none of my dreams ever come close to a quarter true.

Jesus is off having his dream-cruise come true (sort of), and now it’s your turn (not really). Here is Jorja Fox from CSI Vegas surfing in Venice Beach in a bikini. She is close to 40, and I think she looks pretty good, although I am sure Jesus would say otherwise. I won’t speak ill of her because I had this fantasy where my Turkish Pimp Zeki would kidnap me to Vegas, burry me in a box in the dessert, and then the hot guy and Jorja would save me just in time–then kill Zeki with a shovel. This may have actually been an episode.

Also, reader Mark emailed me and asked if he could send Jesus $20 for a blowjob on his cruise. That was sweet. Your call Jesus.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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Posted in:Beach|Bikini|Jorja Fox|Unsorted

2007

Jul

I am – More of Paris Hilton in a Bathing Suit in Maui of the Day

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I came across these pictures of Paris in a bathing suit in Maui and figured I should post them since celebrity in bikinis is 90 percent of what I do. I don’t consider Paris to be a real celebrity, I don’t think she’s got anything interesting going on, I don’t really understand the reason everyone is so interested in her, but she’s on the beach and that’s more than I can say for you, so that is why she gets coverage on this shitty site. Reality is that I am pretty easy to please and half naked is all I really ever need for a post, so I don’t mind making your famous, if you’re willing to take it off.

I was reading an article on MSN about how to seduce billionaires to marry you. I am exploring new business options because the internet isn’t doin it for me and there’s gotta be some black sheep fat retarded daughter of a rich dude that they keep locked up in the basement who is lonely enough for someone like me. I don’t know where the article is but it lead me to all these different high society sites. I didn’t realize that people actually care about the family and kids and wives of these extremely rich dudes. I always thought their lives were boring with all that keeping up appearances, going to art gallery exhibits and donating time and money to charity. There are probably scandals that would be more interesting than the shit Paris gets into and there are probably nude pics, sex tapes and other exciting scandals filling up their guest houses, but I’ll never see them because I have no idea who any of these high society people are.

I need Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood to let me know who to watch out for and not all these rich kids aren’t into the whole L.A. Fame Game.

I did harass a couple of them on Facebook a while ago. One of them was the daughter of some record exec and another one was the daughter of some other big company. It turns out that they have no sense of humor and either do I, that’s why this post fucking sucks. It happens. It’s Monday. I hate you.

I guess it’s nice to see Paris back on all fours and half naked as she rides her surfboard, because it reminds us that Jail can’t change a person, except for maybe giving someone more publicity than they have seen since the release of a sex tape.

2007

Jul

I am – Eva Longoria Bachelorette Party in St Tropez of the Day

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Eva Longoria is in Europe preparing for her wedding or getting married or on her honeymoon or for some reason that doesn’t really matter because whatever she’s doing, she’s rocking a bikini. I was never a big fan of Eva Longoria, probably because I am Mexican and I am not into my own kind. All I see when I look at her is my grandmother, a short stalky bitch making tortillas for her 8 kids in our ratty ass kitchen when I was 5. I just assume that’s where Longoria will end up and although I loved my grandmother, I never really wanted to marry her or bang her if you know what I mean.

I used to hang out with this black dude who was stealing money from the store he was night manager at. He used to take us out to stripclubs every single night and pay for everything. He told us that his mother had died and left him a couple hundred thousand dollars and that he wanted to spend it on having a good time. I didn’t feel guilty about letting him blow all his money on us because I figured I was therapeutic to him and if you want my company you just have to take me to the strippers. Either way, I am not a heartless asshole and when dude finally got arrested I felt relieved that the money he was spending wasn’t his to begin with, it made all those drunken nights a lot more fun to be a part of because the guilt was gone.

Anyway, dude used to get so fucking mad when black strippers would get up on stage. He wanted more out of his people and thought they were just living a cliche. The condition of going out with him was to pay no attention to the black strippers because shit personally offended him. I feel the same way about Longoria, she’s a disgrace to our people but at least she’s rockin’ a camel toe showing off that her taco isn’t as meaty as the tacos she grew up on.

2007

Jun

I am – Natasha Hamilton Topless Pics of the Day

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I posted these Natasha Hamiton Bikini Pictures last week or some shit. But it turns out that bitch doesn’t mind getting topless and where there are topless girls on the beach, there’s people like me looking for pictures taken of them to post here, because I don’t have the budget to follow these people around or spend my days on the beach and if I did have that budget, this bitch wouldn’t be one that I’d follow around.

She’s in Atomic Kitten, some UK Spice Girls the Next Generation group. She’s a red head and I am recently a fan of red heads because I alienated them for the last 20 years because the concept of red pubic hair made me feel sick to my stomach, but I guess as you get older and marry fat disgusting women, things change.

I was talking to some dude today about Drag KIngs, these are dykes who dress up like dudes and perform. He was telling me that he is pissed off that they don’t get enough media attention and I told him that that is because no one really wants to see chicks with hormone therapy beards, grown out armpit hair, dressed like dudes because Lesbians like chicks who even if they are masculine lookin’ still don’t pretend to be men, fags like dudes and hate the fact that these Kings have pussies, straight guys generally like tits and bisexuals are just too emo and confused to really count. My advice to all you bull dykes out there growing a mustache is to shave the fucker off now, because as long as your packin’ a uterus no one wants to see you pretend to be men.

That said, topless beaches are probably the best thing invented and girls who aren’t ashamed of themselves enough to cover up, like Natasha Hamilton’s tits save all of us money by not having to go to the strippers.

2007

Jun

I am – Serena Williams Bikini Body of the Day

4 Comments »

So to balance out the day, I figured I’d throw up these Serena Williams bikini pictures, even though I linked these fuckers in the stepLINKS last night. If you’re wondering what I mean by balance shit out, I am not talking about throwing this thick piece of ass on a scale to prove that her workout regime has gone totally fucking wrong, I am not really sure what I am talking about, but I was thinking along the lines of since my last 2 posts were of chicks in bikinis, I should give some airtime to dudes in a bikini.

I think it’s safe to say that her boyfriend is wallet fucking her or trying to get ahead in his own career as a possible hip hop MC or some shit and getting in paparazzi pictures is a solid way to promote yourself because there is no way he’s with her because she’s a good fuck or because she’s a gentle lady.

All the masking your sexuality and taking female hormones all because her dad wanted a champion tennis player can make any dude pretty fucking pissed off. I remember this one time I was drunk and passed out at a party and some chick put make up on me. I looked really pretty and felt like I had been raped. Taking away someone’s manhood is probably the worst kind of abuse a person can endure and making bitch live the role so well so that she doesn’t give up the jig when she goes out in public in lady’s bikinis is totally humiliating.

She’s the kind of girl who doesn’t have a vagina, so it’s in the ass everyday and I am not talking about in her ass, I am talking about in your ass. All the hard training and loses in her sport means she’s gotta take her aggression and frustration out somewhere….

I know that everyone is saying that she’s a dude and that it’s a pretty obvious joke. I am sure she’s a nice person who just does too much weight lifting to scare all the dainty tennis chicks off the court. It’s like facing the monster at the end of a video game only the real life version and she makes millions because of it. If I could make millions doing anything, I’d probably do it. If I was creative, I would have come up with a whole other angle, but I’m not creative so suck my dick and while your at it, jerk off to this bitch’s dick. Gaylord.

2007

Jun

I am – Sharon Stone Topless Pics of the Day

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So here are some pictures of a slut your grandmother’s age topless on the beach. The thing I like about older chicks is they are a little more liberal with their vaginas than younger girls. It’s like they are overcompensating for being haggard and trying to hold onto the dream that all the younger girls are living. I guess that usually means they fuck harder and dirtier, they dress sluttier and talk sluttier and act sluttier behind closed doors too. They are the kind of girls who shove 2 dildos in their asses instead of one. It’s probably easier for Sharon Stone to be topless considering she invested some money into these obviously fake tits.

Speaking for fake, I watched the Sopranos Series Finale at my friend’s house yesterday and didn’t understand what the fuck happened. Did he get shot, did he get arrested, did meadow get gang banged on her way into the restaurant. If you have any inside scoop let me know.

Posted in:Beach|Sharon Stone|Topless|Unsorted

2007

May

I am – Rosario Dawson on the Beach in Cannes of the Day

2 Comments »

How’s this for fucking boring. Rosario Dawson who is a big breasted girl who I want to see in a bikini or naked is at the beach. Only her kind of beach involves not wearing a fucking bikini and some summer dress that reminds me of hanging by the pool at the luxury Old Folk’s home I used to do the landscaping at….

The highlight of these pictures are when the summer dress rides up her ass like it was her thong, but even that makes these pics not worth posting. But having no editorial standards and being lazy has left me no choice but to follow through…a lot like how Rosario Dawson didn’t pull through in these pics…

Point of the story is that seeing a girl with great potential not pull through on the beach by wearing what is equally as bad as a snowsuit is like running into your highschool valedictorian and learning he’s become a crackhead, it’s like finding out the hottest girl who you wanted to bag all your life got fat, it’s like finding out that you are adopted, it’s like finding out that your girlfriend has been sleeping with your best friend the last 2 years of your relationship, it’s like having a one night stand the night you lose your virginity and finding out you got AIDS, it’s like

It’s safe to say it’s one of life’s great disappointments….and bitch isn’t even that hot…it’s just the principle….

Posted in:Beach|Cannes|Rosario Dawson|Unsorted

2007

May

I am – Heather Locklear Learns How to Surf in a Bikini of the Day

49 Comments »

I am pretty fucking sure I have seen these pictures of Heather Locklear learning how to surf in a bikini but I tried scrubbing the site to see if I am repeating myself and I realized that looking through the archives was too much work and that it would be easier for me to just post them. Aren’t you glad I let you in on my thought process instead of just posting the pics and writing some lame joke about her tits, her fat friend used to make her look skinny, her solid body for a 40 year old groupie slut who bangs rockers, but instead I wasted your time.

Speaking of wasting time, I didn’t leave my shitty apartment all weekend. I was convinced that staying in was the way to healthy living because everytime I do end up leaving, I end up getting drunk.

I did go on a walk through the park and it was some park festival and they had shitty Bar Mitzvah DJs playing shitty pop music while kids ate hamburgers and roasted Marshmallows with lesbian looking scout councilors because you know any adult in Scouts is either a lesbian, child molester, loser with no friends or purpose but an aptitude in survival, or overbearing parents that want to watch over their kids every fucking second of the day.

That said, I got sprayed by some kid’s watergun and it made me mad. This has been an amazing fucking story. Part of me wants to apologize for running off on such useless shit, but then my rational side reminds me that I hate you, that this is my website, and that I can write about picking my asshole to see if I can smell last night’s dinner after digestion on it and you can’t say much about it.

Heather Locklear may be hot, but she’s getting old making her like last night’s dinner rather than tonight’s dinner, if you know what I mean…if you don’t it means she’s already been digested, but I haven’t shit her out yet, because I still have a little more lovin’ to give in me, but she’s old news and not as exciting as tonight’s dinner that I am already hungry for because I only eat one meal a day but still manage to keep getting fatter.

Ok. Enough of this.

Posted in:Beach|Bikini|Heather Locklear|Surfing|Unsorted