Bikini Archives - Page 79 of 93 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2007

03

Sep

I am – Vanessa Hudgens Bikini Pictures of the Day

So this high school musical cast is really a hot thing right now. It seems no matter how old I get, teenage girls will be dumb enough to fall for these shit movies and tv shows and they will believe all the hype of the publicity stunt that is the relationship between 2 of the characters. They will still cut his pics out of magazines and put it on their wall like he was Lance Bass in 1999 only to find out that this Vanessa Hudgens – Zac Effron relationship is one based on shopping together, doing each other’s hair and make-up and talking about sucking off boys with each other.

Speaking of taking it up the shit hole, the walls in the shit hole I call home are pretty paper fucking thing and if I am not hearing my neighbors fighting, fucking, shitting or getting high, I am usually asleep or passed out drunk in the corner. Tonight I came home to the song “Love Hurts” on fucking repeat. I thought maybe dude had fallen asleep to that shit but it’s been about 12 hours and it’s still fucking going. I can only assume that asshole tried to Owen Wilson himself, but succeeded, because let’s face it, real suicidal people don’t fuck up for people to find them and pamper them back to happiness, that shit is called a cry for attention and my neighbors statement is “look what you made me do bitch”, provided he is actually dead. I do know that if I hear the song one more time, I may be the motherfucker they are scraping off the pavement but that’s just because I hated it to begin with and 12 hours later, I am starting to hate myself. If the hall starts stinking, I’ll know to call the landlord and complain…maybe I’ll get a free month out of all this…

Here are some pictures of Vanessa Hudgens from high school musical in her bikini, in Hawaii with her fag/boyfriend, playin in the sand, like they are a bunch of queers…which it turns out…they probably are….

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2007

30

Aug

I am – Karen Mulder Bikini on a Boat Pictures of the Day

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Karen Mulder is some model who was big at some point in her career and tried to kill herself in 2002 by taking pills like she was Owen Wilson. IN 2006 she had a kid and I am reading wikipedia right now…..

Speaking of suicide and kids, I am always fascinated when a guy tells me he has a kid, it means that some girl liked him enough to keep his baby and I just can’t seem to grasp that concept, because girls never even liked me enough to have sex with me when sober, return my calls when, admit they ever banged me, or talk to me if they ever ran into me on the street.

Either way, I landed my wife because she was really fucking lonely and even she wouldn’t have had another kid to keep me around so I am pretty much this dude who will never have a kid because no girl would carry my baby and I will always remain fascinated with guys who tell me that a woman either wants their kid or has their kid, because it means they are doing something I am not and that they are by far more a man than I’ll ever be. I have low self-esteem but the only because after years of the same message being driven down my throat you realize that you suck at something, in my case life. I think it makes for good comedy.

At least better comedy than your depressing life… living the suburban life, with the suburban middle management job you hate, going home to your boring wife who is 35 pounds heavier than when you first met, and ugly kids… making your monthly payments on your house and car…over-extending yourself because you want to take the family to Disneyland, or because your kid’s in private school because you want a better life for him and you need to buy him designer clothes so he doesn’t feel inadequate amongst his peers…Or you’re living at home with your mom, unable to find a job, jerking off more than ever, spending your time online trying to find pussy but even the girls you pay to go on cam won’t show you their cunts…forcing your to carve a vagina into your bedpost, the same bed you slept on when you were ten, because that’s the only thing that would fuck you…….I guess there’s a lot funny about that..

Here are some pictures of Karen Mulder, the bitch who failed at killing herself because she takes life and herself too fucking seriously, while on a boat tanning in St Tropez because life is so hard on her….don’t take yourself too seriously, have fun with your shortcomings because if you can’t laugh about shit you end up being miserable, and there’s nothing fun about crying, now is there, pussy. I am pretty inspirational. I am like a modern day Batman…

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2007

30

Aug

I am – Lauren Conrad Bikini Pics of the Day

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It turns out that girls from The Hills were all out on the beach the other day, running around in their bikinis, and giving us all something to look at, I can only assume something scandalous is about to happen on the show, otherwise they wouldn’t be out together. I may have never seen the show and I have no idea what their dynamic is, but I can guarantee that they all hate each other’s guts and call each other cunts and have cat fights behind closed doors but that’s only because that’s how girls are, especially stupid girls who crave attention and want to be the big stars, but in reality what the fuck do I know about girls….other than that I love tits, ass and vagina…

I was hanging out at the local cosmetic counter this past weekend, because on weekends in the early afternoon, girls borrow their parent’s cars and show up to get their essentials for the week or for the night out that lies ahead so they they show up in casual clothes, like tights or yoga pants or whatever makes their asses look amazing….Either way, the only products they have for dudes in the place is cologne so I’m standing there in the cologne section, trying not to get busted looking at this hot 18 year old’s ass that is squatting and I can swear I can see her full box defintion from behind, when this homeless looking tattooed up 60 year old bitch walks in and starts giving herself a whore shower. So she’s spraying herself down with all different types of cologne and is shaking like a meth addict and sees me looking at the hot chick through the shelving….She doesn’t realize that I am being a pervert and thinks I am actually shopping and that I just busted her, so she comes over to me and starts giving me advice on what cologne to buy, like she’s an expert and a serious cologne shopper when in reality she’s just tired of smelling her own ass when she sits down and this is her best solution to the problem because it’s free unlike doing laundry…Either way, she fucks off and I look back to the hot ass and it’s gone..

Here are those Lauren Conrad pics, because she’s still young and tight bodied and I’d totally watch her squatting in front of me at the cosmetics counter of the local department store…

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2007

30

Aug

I am – Gwen Stefani Shops in her Bikini Top of the Day

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I was hanging out with some street kids last night because I was drunk. I don’t normally make a point of chatting up the dirtiest fucking tra I can find, but when I am drunk I am pretty much willing to talk to anyone who is willing to sit through it and lucky for me, last night’s audience was a group of squeegee punks. They were asking me for a cigarette because I guess they were too poor to buy themselves cigarettes. They had a dog, a guitar and a film camera from the Dollar Store. They asked me to take a picture of them and I asked them to sing me a song, so the dark skinned ratty motherfucker with dreads starts singing about living on the streets. When I asked them where they were headed they told me to get some food and back to one of their apartments. I was pretty pissed off when I found out that the street kids I was dealing with had homes, so I started to give them shit, then they told me that they were all on welfare, lived together and lived the street kid life but didn’t actually live on the street. They were high on meth and when I offered them 20 dollars to do a street kid porn for me, the girl who had the biggest fucking gut, told me she was only 17.

These Gwen Stefani pics are to celebrate lost opportunity and broken dreams because bitch is a fucking suburban punk who made a name for herself in some candy-coated ska band and was marketed as a punk to the world while the closest thing she’s been to a punk is when one tries to squeegee her limo window on her way to a sold out arena show….and the closest thing to dumpster diving bitch has ever done was when she went grocery shopping with her husband in her bikini….and he made bitch carry the groceries…

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2007

30

Aug

I am – Audrina Partridge from the Hills in her Bikini of the Day

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I have never watched The Hills, mainly because I have a penis…and because I am not a 13 year old girl or some kind of homosexual, even though homosexuals seem to be popping up everywhere. It’s like it’s really cool to be gay or someshit. When I was younger, faggots would stay in the closet for fear of people hating them or bashing them, so they’d get married have kids be miserable through the 90s, sneak out on “business trips” and brokeback mountain camping trips, give their wife AIDS then by the time the year 2000 hit, Gay becomes cool, Tom leaves his wife for some dude, she’s devastated and has AIDS, his kids get all fucked up, his daughter disowns men and starts eating box and his son becomes a tranny and the gay movement continues because all these gay kids have gay fathers and it becomes one big “Gay is Okay and socially accepted and it’s wrong to beat up fags and drag them behind pick-up trucks or leave them in ditches to die because we hate gays” party and I guess that’s okay because it’s natures way of population control and because without fags we wouldn’t have bull-dykes and I love getting dirty looks from bull-dykes who hate me for having a penis, it makes me feel like I am an animal in the jungle and she’s about either going pounce and rip my penis off and shove it down my throat, or invite me to go camping at the Vegan conference…

I went to a bar the other night, that used to be a dive and I hadn’t been for a while. I got drunk and realized that 80 percent of the men were poofters, and although the place was filled with chicks who were obviously too good looking to talk to me, they were all dancing on their tables and shit with dudes who thought they were Britney Spears and I felt like the place had turned into a gay bar. so I got drunk because that’s really the only time I feel good.

The point of all this is to say that I don’t watch The Hills….it’s about rich sluts from California that everyone fell in love with when they were in high school, it was scripted reality TV and this bitch Audrina Partridge, who I’ve never heard of, is one of them Now she’s on your screen in a bikini….have fun because her body is pretty tight, her razor burn hot and I’d totally do her.

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2007

29

Aug

I am – Anna Kournikova’s Bikini Top of the the Day

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I found gum on the street today that was still half wrapped and I was fucking excited because the first thing I thought to myself was that I didn’t have to brush my teeth today and anything that gets me out of boring hygiene practices that are totally outdated is fine by me. Enough with my good news….

I came across these pictures of Anna Kournikova eating in a bikini top and I didn’t know whether they were old or new, but figured I sure as hell better post them before my 2 readers who I hate lash-out on me…

I went to the strip club last night because there are serious deals on drinks on monday night, I always call it hurtbag mondays because the people in the place are just as fucking desperate as the girls working…I am talking the ugliest of the ugly strippers are there trying to make ends meet because the weekend didn’t work out too well for them because no one got a dance.

The most amazing thing happened when I got there. All the prime bitches were out working, the college kids were back in town and showing their new found friends what strippers in this city are like and that’s when I realized it was Tuesday, and that I missed hurtbag Monday by a day and that depressed me more than I thought it would. The only real hurtbags in the place were a group of fat chicks who showed up an hour before closing to land some already primed guys they knew were leaving blue-balled. I guess deep down inside I feel at home on hurtbag monday.

I can only assume your life is even more depressing because you read about mine so here is some Anna Kournikova emotionally eating her way into a size 14 for you.

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2007

29

Aug

I am – Anna Kournikova's Bikini Top of the the Day

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I found gum on the street today that was still half wrapped and I was fucking excited because the first thing I thought to myself was that I didn’t have to brush my teeth today and anything that gets me out of boring hygiene practices that are totally outdated is fine by me. Enough with my good news….

I came across these pictures of Anna Kournikova eating in a bikini top and I didn’t know whether they were old or new, but figured I sure as hell better post them before my 2 readers who I hate lash-out on me…

I went to the strip club last night because there are serious deals on drinks on monday night, I always call it hurtbag mondays because the people in the place are just as fucking desperate as the girls working…I am talking the ugliest of the ugly strippers are there trying to make ends meet because the weekend didn’t work out too well for them because no one got a dance.

The most amazing thing happened when I got there. All the prime bitches were out working, the college kids were back in town and showing their new found friends what strippers in this city are like and that’s when I realized it was Tuesday, and that I missed hurtbag Monday by a day and that depressed me more than I thought it would. The only real hurtbags in the place were a group of fat chicks who showed up an hour before closing to land some already primed guys they knew were leaving blue-balled. I guess deep down inside I feel at home on hurtbag monday.

I can only assume your life is even more depressing because you read about mine so here is some Anna Kournikova emotionally eating her way into a size 14 for you.

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2007

29

Aug

I am – Phoebe Price Bikini Pics of the Day

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Phobe Price

I have no idea who Phobe Price is but they talk about her on a few other sites I go on, and I didn’t want to make it seem like we weren’t in the know, even though I just admitted to all 3 of you reading out there that I don’t know who she is anyways, thereby admitting that we aren’t in the know. But thats beside the point.

The resident slut of my old highschool was famous for befriending loser fat and/or Ugly chicks in hopes that it would make her more physically appealing to the round of jocks and preppy assholes she opened her legs to on the regular. Nothing makes a dog hotter then when you put it next to a pig. She would let them gang bang her at the big partie’s they would have when their parents went out of town to Florida, or whever the fuck rich people go on vacation these days, I wouldn’t know.

It was a fantastic twist of fate when during a yearly physical for the football team, one of the guys found out he had got Herpes and that not only had he traced it back to getting it from this slut, but half the fucking team had it thanks to all the group activities they had been having on the weekends. It got even more funny when a few of the fat girls found out they had it too. Turned out that the slut was bi-sexual and used to fuck around with her fat friends before she dropped them. The outbreak was so bad they had one of those school assemblies about safe sex and showed us those awesome outdated movies from the 1950’s full of safe sex propaganda.

I doubt Phobe Price has Herpes, but you can bet your ass she’s been the “Ugly Friend” on more then one occasion.

hugs and kisses
Marie-eve Martinez

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Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Phoebe Price|Unsorted

2007

29

Aug

I am – Bianca Gacoigne Bikini Nipple Pictures of the Day

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I have posted about this bitch before. She’s pretty much a nobody. Her mom was married to a UK footballer and she ended up on some reality show where she got drunk and slutted out and since then she has been on a quest to be the biggest whore out there but she’s doing a pretty bad fucking job proven by the fact that her fake tits suck and she’s wearing a bikini….if she was a real whore there’d be a dick in her mouth or something similar like maybe a vagina….

Either way, I got punched in the face yesterday. I wasn’t too surprised considering I tend to say pretty funny things to people randomly that they always seem to take offense to. This time it was because I was walking down the street and heard a baby crying really fucking loud. I looked up ahead and saw a mother in her van and they where black and she was trying to calm the baby down. I turn to a guy standing about 10 feet away from them and think this is a perfect opportunity to drop a harmless racist joke. So I say “you know what the baby is crying right?” and the guy says “why” and I say “Cuz it just found out it was black”…..seriously a totally harmless joke but it turns out that he was the father of the kid and doesn’t like black jokes since he’s all United Nations and marries black women and has black babies….I am not a racist, but based on this guys reaction for thinking I am one, I don’t suggest you be one either.

That is today’s life lesson, now look at this Bianca Gascoigne bitch in a bikini and realize that I’d bang her even if she was black because I don’t discriminate, I only do it sometimes for the sake of jokes….

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2007

29

Aug

I am – Britney Spears Bikini and Hair Smoking of the Day

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Everyone is giving this bitch a hard time about being a shitty mother and they are making a big fucking deal about her smoking with her kids in pictures. That’s like giving someone a hard time about feeding their kids eat McDonald’s for dinner , or making them skip school to go on Christmas Vacation or some shit. If they think this bitch is a bad parent, they should see some of the people I know, who are on welfare and who are addicts and who live in shitty fucking apartments and spend their money on their addictions and not on their kids well-being. These are the kids who show up to school covered in dirty, smelling of piss and lookin’ all malnourished as they stare at you eating your sandwich with envy when all they have to eat is a can of creamed corn but no can opener. The fact that they are born from Britney’s disgusting vagina is a fucking blessing, they may be neglected by her and she may find it fun to watch them play with endangered species and they may be a form of her insane entertainment or some kind of fashion accessory that she looks at with her glazed over, medicated eyes like they are her very own personal dancing monkeys…but she has a staff to pick up her slack and there is always private school…..so her smoking is really not a big deal and if they want to make a lesson out of anyone they should hit up some of the ghetto neighborhoods where crackbabies are left to fend for themselves at the age of 2, instead of bugging Britney. She is rich and because of that we should all leave her the fuck alone….