Someone keeps buzzing my door and I am not answering it. I have come to the realization that people don’t like me and potentially could want me dead so I just lock myself up in this place until I run out of food. The flaw in this plan is that I live with my wife and she likes to eat and I already caught her eating our last can of beans and I’ve only been in lock down for 15 minutes.
Either way, I know that you don’t care about my insanity and paranoia, but based on the hate mail I get daily, you’d probably understand it. Before I decided to go into lock down, I was out getting a coffee and this tiny girl was wearing some cleavage exposing shirt and her nipples were hanging out every time she moved. She was probably just about 5 foot and had all the same proportions as a tall chick, like long legs for her body and all that shit, but she was just in a smaller package, kinda like my penis, because at one time it looked it just doesn’t live up to the measurement test, but that’s not the point, the point is that Hayden Panettiere is also about 5 foot tall but not proportionate at all, unless you’re comparing her to a tank in which case, she probably is. Here she is pumping her own gas, I guess they didn’t get the pics of her changing her tires and the oil while building a shed in her backyard, cuz that’s just the kind of dude she is.
Hayden Panettiere dressed like a skinny looking girl in a bikini for halloween, but we all know that hiding somewhere under that bikini is her stalky troll body…I guess she is hollywood and this is the magic of movie special effects make-up or some expensive bikini or some shit because I rarely see girls take off her clothes and look better than when she has them on, but when it does happen it’s magical. We call those kinds of girls “sleepers” because no one notices them, and when you get them and their over-sized t-shirt comes off and reveals perfect tits and a bangin’ body you ask yourself why you were wasting your time with the hot chick everyone else is trying to get their dicks inside because she wearing revealing clothes trying to get attention and it’s working…..and laugh when you decide to let them have the hot whore and not be one of the assholes trying to hook it up because you just won the fuckin’ lottery with this sleeper.
I did once knew this girl who was the girl everyone wanted to fuck and somehow I got her back to my place when wasted, not that I had a place at the time, but she was too drunk to realize we were in under an overpass. Either way, as the clothes came off and the padded bra turned her C’s into manly pecs, and her controlling underwear turned her booty into a sloppy bowl of corn pops and I didn’t wanna have my Pops like their commercial always told me I did. But then her hair extensions came off showing off her female-pattern baldness and her make-up rubbed off turning her into a fucking monster…and it wasn’t halloween….
I am thinking that’s kinda what’s happening in these pictures, only it happens everyday while Hayden puts clothes on. It’s like as the t-shirt goes on, her abs turn into a gut and as her slim fit jeans go on her legs get short and thinck. For the record, I still slammed the bitch, but that’s just because I have no standards and how often do you get a girl, even if she doesn’t really look like a girl under an overpass wanting your dick, and by wanting my dick I mean passed out and having no idea where she is….
The worst feeling you get as a fat man is when you’re at a restaurant or party and walk into the bathroom after someone takes a nasty fucking shit and when you walk out and the stink trails you and everyone in line automatically thinks you took the shit because you are fat and fat people are wrongfully accused of shitting a lot.
I was in a bar that had one bathroom the other night and there was a line-up of girls and guys waiting to go do blow in the bathroom and whoever was in there before me fucking gave birth to some weird smelling shit and I was fucking gagging while trying to piss. As soon as I walked out the 2 hottest girls in the place were next in line to go in and for the rest of the night they wouldn’t look at me without laughing or looking at me in disgust. I was the fat dude who takes stinky shits in public bathrooms when we’re out drinking, I guess I am the fat dude who stinks to a lot of people but reality is that I barely ever shit and that’s the reason I tell people that I am full of shit, literally, but no one ever believes me.
I know Hayden isn’t a fat man but she kinda looks like one and I have a feeling that this bird drops the nastiest smelling shits after drinking her luxurious coffees and reading stories to kids with a crown on, because I have a feeling she thinks she’s some kind of princess and she needs to be kicked off her fucking throne…with my dick.
Here’s a little Hayden Panettiere action because she’s so popular with the boys right now. i am not really sure why because she looks like a treasure troll that let his hair down, but I guess 18 year olds with dumpy asses, massive heads, stumpy legs and who are barely 5 feet tall are the new 18 year olds with hot asses and a well-proportioned bodies.
I think the reason guys fantasize about her is because they know she plays the classier, more innocent role and deep down inside there’s a slut dying to come out that she saves for the bedroom because her public image is so fucking important to her. I realized many years ago that the girls who wore the tight, low-cut dresses and who would do sexually suggestive things like talk about how they like to fuck or how they like to fuck were just cock teases. They got off on the idea of guys getting off to thinking about them sexually. That was their penetration. They didn’t actually care to fuck and when they got in the bedroom, they just kinda laid there and took it, like they didn’t need to do any work because they were so desirable and they were doing you a favor by just letting you get up in them. Which is probably the case for every girl you’ve ever bagged. But the sexually repressed asian or Jesus lover jumps you as soon as the door closes behind you and rides you like you only have 2 minutes to get ‘er done, which for many of you is probably the case. The sexually repressed chicks are the ones that just think about fucking all the fucking time and don’t talk about it or flaunt it but bottle shit up so that the second they are naked those fuckers turn into some kind of crazy.
Either way, I was just in a store and saw some trashy slutty girl in a mini skirt and thigh highs, rockin’ patent leather white boots and some kind of halter top. Her blond hair was in pigtails and she looked like a pornstar. She kept playing with her tongue ring and every motherfucker in the place, who probably had washed up, dull, normal dressing wives and girlfriends at home was staring at her like they just came themselves. Sure her tits busted out of her bra with nipples harder than nipples are supposed to get, and her body was tight, but I knew what she was all about and I knew that she thought she was this really hot piece of ass that all the dudes loved, without realizing that dudes just love lookin at sluts.
At one point she looked at me and I laughed to myself because I got her game. She stuck out her tongue and licked her lips making sure I saw the tongue ring she was packing. What she didn’t realize is that I hate tongue rings and I don’t understand the deal with them and why washed up whores think they are hot and stick it out and play with it. I don’t think a tongue ring ever meant that a girl loved suckin’ dick, when I see a tongue ring I don’t think how awesome it will feel on my dick. I have had tongue ring blowjobs and the girls couldn’t suck dick for the life of them, even with a blowjob accessory shit didn’t finish me off, but every dude who saw her probably thought she could and I am sure she thought she could suck dick too and played that off like it’s 1990 when tongue rings were invented, crying for men to think of her as dick sucking whores, because it probably gets them into clubs or at least free drinks when in clubs, which is the measure of a slut’s ability to be the girl dudes want to get drunk and bring home to fuck em and give em a fake number then leave em…because their real girlfriends who can carry a conversation and are cool and normal actually know how to fuck wouldn’t approve of this union if they ever found out about it. Life as a slut is a sad lonely place because no one ever wants to marry them, they just pass that vagina around hoping and wishing that one day they’d get a good guy who legitimately is into them….unfortuantely her exposed g-string, kinda puts a damper on that dream.
Here are those Hayden pics because we all know she’s a dirty slut behind all the bullshit that is her career.
I just woke up. It is noon. If I was 16 again, my foster mother would be very mad at me. I decided to post these Hayden pictures as a celebration that her dog eats her dirty tampons, provided she can even get her period. I have heard that midgets generally can’t reproduce, and since bitch is built like a midget with her life size head and a scaled down fat chick body, I think it’s safe to assume she can’t either. Her dog also sees her shit, watches her fuck, hears her fart, licks her dirty underwear and maybe even makes messes that she has to clean up just to see her get her hands dirty when the hired help is at home. This dog pretty much owns this bitch and if only he could talk or operate a camera, we’d have much more interesting shit to post.
Either way, she’s got a new boyfriend, I don’t remember his name, he’s probably some poofter riding her celebrity like he was Zac Efron, because pretending to be straight for your career is what people do in Hollywood without realizing that we all know that everyone in hollywood are fags because straight guys are too busy working construction and fucking chicks to care about crying on screen for 1,000,000 dollars.
Here are those pics and I am not going to mention how fucking lame her t-shirt is…or the fact that she thinks she’s Doctor Doolittle, because it’s pretty obvious that the bigger dog is a utility dog she uses to help her out. Otherwise he’d be in more than one picture. He’s like the slave dog she uses to help her get dressed like the midget who lives by me who has no hands who has one just like hers and it helps him open doors, cross streets, get things off high shelves and it keeps him company when no one will talk to him for being a midget with no hands.
I wasn’t going to cover any Emmy Awards shit because the Emmy Awards are fucking lame and it was my attempt in protesting them. Reality is that I tried to watch them yesterday because I figured it would inspire me to hate the world more than I do or maybe even take the 4 hours of my life away from me. I promised a reader that I would live-blog but that didn’t happen. Life lesson, never trust a drunken Mexican.
I first tuned in on my neighbors TV during the pre-show red carpet shit and saw the fag from Queer Eye doing fashion play-by-play like it was a fucking sports show. I thought the concept was stupid and was forced to change channels, but that was after I saw lesbian Ellen and her wife who is not so lesbian but realizes that eating Ellen’s pussy is good for business, being interviewed. Ellen was a manic weirdo who must have been jacked on something and it made me question why we let Lesbians on TV.
I tuned in again for the opening performance that was some Family Guy shit, Stewie and the dog were singing about how shitty TV is, I think I laughed a few times but I was drunk and don’t really remember. I do know that I like Family Guy and think it’s the best written show, so I hope they won something.
Ryan Seacrest came on and didn’t make me or anyone in the audience even crack a smile. His jokes weren’t jokes and it was nice to see his Seacrest ship sink, I can only hope this continues in the next events he is involved in, because his demise is well deserved. He’s a 5 minutes of fame gone wrong situation, you know the kind of dude you hate that gets on some Dating Show but somehow turns it into years of success when his talent only should have got him to the elimination round….
The second Ray Romano came on was the second I turned the shit off. I hate his voice and seeing him on TV reminded me why I don’t watch TV. I used to go crazy everytime his show came on, I am talking throwing shit at the TV to make the pain stop.
I also kept catching my neighbor staring at me while rubbing his leg, and despite being all for dirty old men, I can’t accept dirty old men giving me the eye mainly because I am not into gay but also because I am disgusting looking and anyone giving me the eye whether man or woman is clearly fucked in the head and someone I don’t want to be around…I felt like I accidentally walked into some kind of secret gay man hook up zone like a public bathroom that fags use as a meeting place to fuck while their wives are out shopping or some shit…and despite it being more exciting than the Emmies, I still had to get the fuck out.
Here are some pictures of the event:
Christina Aguilera and Her Pregnancy Tits
Eva Longoria and Her Mexican Ass
Hayden Panettiere and Her Floppy Tits Hiding Under a Tent of a Dress I can only assume she wanted to wear adult sizes for once and this is the result
Heidi Klum is Living Beauty and the Beast
Jaime Lynn Sigler Brings Her Eating Disorder as Her Date
Jaime Pressly 4 Months After Letting The World Knows She Has Unprotected Sex By Having a Baby
Jennifer Love Hewitt Hiding Her Fat Ass We All Know She Has…
Kaley Cuoco Because She’ll Never Be On TV Again
Katherine Heigl is the Big Winner…Literally…
Kristen Bell Because I Don’t Know Who She Is…
Lisa Rinna Because She Hasn’t Been on TV for a Decade…But Her Fake Tits Get Her Past Security…
Maria Menounos Because She’s Greek and Takes it in the Ass
Michelle Pfeiffer is Old But Still Hotter Than Anyone You Know…
Phoebe Price Because Her Dress Has Windows
Portia DiRossi Because She’s a Fake Lesbian and We Like Fake Lesbians Because It Means They Will Let Us Fuck Them While They Eat Out Their Friends…
Teri Hatcher Because She Banged Ryan Seacrest
I am sure there are more, but this took me long enough to do and I am over the Emmy Awards….
Bonus – Christina Aguilera Performance with Tony Bennett
Here are some pictures of Hayden Panettiere buying some “sexy” red semi see-through panties. I guess now that she’s a big girl, she can wear big girl underwear too, it’s like when a girl first gets her period and buys her first box of pads, or when her breasts start budding and she’s gotta get her first A-Cup, or like when a college girl who never really admitted to masturbating hooks up her first vibrator, or like when a 12 year old dude tries on his first rubber to see how fucking annoying safe sex is going to be for the rest of his single life and maybe even his married life because he doesn’t trust his wife is on the pill and knows she is trying to trick him and lock him down leaving him with a kid that forces him to have to see her every second week after the divorce for the next 18 years.
Either way, I don’t find these pictures hot. I don’t know if it’s because I find Hayden a weird looking troll that doesn’t really do anything for me other than make me wonder how her neck and body support her big waterhead. Or if it’s the underwear that she’s buying remind me of some K-Mart shit that 50 year old ladies buy to drive their bored impotent fat husbands crazy on Valentines day, because it is the day for lovers after all.
I’ve never been one of those young girls that wants to look older them I am. After watching my mothers looks deteriorate and her weight balloon to epic proportions, I realized that being 18, thin and fit is a pretty sweet deal. I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth cause it’s going to be all down hill from here pretty much. I know I’m not perfect, but there’s a reason I get laid as much as I do, and I’m pretty sure it’s not because of my brain. Great legs, nice tits, and tight ass probably help tho.
I’ve been trying to figure out just what exactly Hayden Panettiere’s handlers are up to in terms of sending her out for promotional tours and appearences looking like an aging Cougar. She looks great, don’t get me wrong but I think she is going to have a rude awakening when she wakes up down the road and realizes shes been middle aged for 25 fucking years.
Here are some pictures of recently turned 18 Hayden Panettiere with some dirty old man, unfortunately this isn’t as creepy as it was 2 days ago, because it is legal but it still made me laugh and since I am not a laugher, that’s a pretty big deal to me so here they are….
Having a site called DrunkenStepfather is pretty much a good way to attract both perverted pedophile types as well as the people who are trying to stop perverted pedophiles from being aggressors on the internet.
In the beginning I used to play on it and talk about how I want to bang my stepdaughter and how I make them show me their tits and walk around in their panties and shit. I’d link to their friend’s youtube videos of them dancing erotically and to photobucket galleries and shit all in efforts of fucking with people.
I ended up stopping when I got paranoid that the FBI were parked in a Van outside my house because they don’t have the same kind of sense of humor as I do about that kind of shit. I guess it’s because I’ve never had to deal with parents or kids who have been abducted by Internet predators. So I realized that it’s not as funny as I originally thought it was especially since I don’t want to go to jail because I don’t really know the laws and could probably get taken down for a joke that went too far and because I am not really into the whole kiddie porn scene at all, so why do the time for a crime I am not guilty of….
That said I got this email yesterday and I am convinced that it is the predator watch trying to trap me and bring me down because this kind of shit has NEVER happened to me before.
can people send in pictures of themselves?
and how old would they have to be?
thanks =]
So I answered:
What kind of pictures are you talking about?
Anything sexual in nature you gotta be 18.
Anything funny in nature you gotta be any age.
The site is aimed at an 18+ audience….
What are you thinking about sending my way?
With Love,
Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com
And She Wrote:
I recently discovered that I like how my boobs look in pictures haha
thats what I would have sent- topless pictures
but I wont be seventeen for 8 days
its a shame, theyre nice haha
So as awesome as this is in theory, I am obviously not interested in landing these pics because I am not a criminal, but I do want any above 18 year old girls out there to take this girls lead because I love tits and by default I love pictures of tits….so send them in, stop being such a fucking prude….
So people say that this bitch is the next Lohan. I say she’s the next Roseanne Barr. She’s like the girl who’s okay looking in high school but when you see her i few years later she’s about 40 pounds overweight and has 2 kids with 2 different fathers and you’re just like “what the fuck happened to her?”.
I guess I am kinda like Roseanne Barr too and I am sure if people from my highschool saw me today, they’d think the same fucking thing, but I guess the reality of it all is that I am not relying on my looks to get me ahead in life, but I am pretty sure Hayden is.
Either way, this is an email I got yesterday from some creepy Lohan fan….
Subject: Big fan of Lindsay Lohans
I was just interested in how you got her phone # I am not a stalker I have just been trying to get ahold of her through her people and nothing has worked I am disabled and simply want to meet her that’s all.
DJ Cochran
Here are some pictures of Hayden Panettiere’s Tits Getting a Ticket…..
