So Kristen Bell and her pasty fucking body getting sunscreen sprayed on is obviously scared of the sun, when she should really be scared of letting Dax Sheppard inside her, because I hear once you go Dax you never go back because no self respecting man would sleep with his sloppy seconds because no one has low enough self esteem and no girl is hot enough to justify banging someone who has banged him, not even Kristen Bell.
The truth is that I’ve never really been overly affected by dudes who have fucked my wife or girlfriends being in the same room as me, if anything I feel like we have some kind of bond and even if we have nothing much to talk about awkwardly, we always have the chick to fall back on and compare war stories about. It’s like having a 2 man on chick threesome, without the awkwardness and homosexual overtones/undertones (I never know the difference between tones), and if anything should be a bonding experience between men, but Dax throws that beautiful thing down the toilet. Another beautiful thing he’s thrown down the toilet, Kristen Bell. Not that I like Kristen Bell or think she’s attractive at all, but I know you do, so I’m just trying to fit in, something that happens everytime I put on a pair of pants that doesn’t have an elastic waistband.
So the paparazzi are psycho cocksuckers who try to rape me everyday for posting pictures they claim belong to them, despite having written consent from the people in the pictures and they are making a fuckin’ killing cashing in on being the scum of the earth. When they aren’t in trees snappin’ off shots that they are going to turn around and sell for fucking millions, they are on my fucking jock about posting their pictures without paying, while threatening me with law suits, claiming that they will ruin me and destroy me. Really not the kind of people you’d want to invite to your family Christmas dinner at the homeless shelter.
Either way, they released these pictures of Kate Beckinsale, that could be of anyone, because the quality is so bad, and are selling this pixelated shit that reminds me of when I used to jerk off to scrambled porn, because she’s in a fuckin’ bikini and asshole fan boys are paying the price because all they need is someone to tell them it’s Kate Beckinsale in a bikini to cum themselves as they close their eyes and imagine them walking down the aisle with her before spending their first night with a woman in their honeymoon sweet with her.
In their defense, they are the same people who have been dressing their vaccuum cleaner as Kate Beckinsale for the last year so that they have something to cuddle in bed with at night, so I guess jerking off to these pictures isn’t as disturbing as what they are used to, but all I see is a scam from the photo agencies, who have been scammin’ longer than these virgins have been masturbating and I hope they eat shit and die.
Autumn Reeser was on The O.C. She played someone named Taylor. I used to watch the OC because I had a shitty TV that got that channel for free using a shitty antenna that I made out of a coat hanger I was saving to use on my wife if ever she got pregnant before realizing I didn’t need it anymore because I found out I had fertility issues. I was also going to a college bar every thursday because it was 2 dollar beers at a time when I could afford to get wasted with college kids on 2 dollar beers.. It turned out that the first couple of weeks were awkward, because the girls just saw an old, messy, drunk guy raining on their parade like Lil Wayne Rain’s on the Hoes, all because I didn’t have anything to talk about with them other than their hot perky college tits in hopes of getting invited back to their dorms to watch them experiment with sex and drugs like the shit I’ve read / seen college girls do on the internet. I realized that watching the OC, that aired earlier that night, was a key “in” because they all watched it earlier that night and were hooked and would get excited when shit was brought up, leading to me being accepted in their circle so I made a point of staying on top of the shit and never got to watch them experiment with sex and drugs, but didn’t get beat up by asshole jocks when asking their girl’s dirty questions because I was in. Either way, I don’t remember this girl on the show, must have been after my time, but I do remember Rachel Bilson…..
Speaking of Rachel Bilson, I messaged some random girl on Facebook who’s last name was Bilson and this was our conversation…..
Jesus Martinez
with a name like Bilson, you should be related to Rachel Bilson, otherwise you should change your name, because there’s no real point in having it…..
Rachel Bilson’s Cousin
i am related to her….
Jesus Martinez
are you her second cousin? cuz if you are you can gay marry her.
Rachel Bilson’s Cousin
haha
she is my cousin
Jesus Martinez
Have you ever seen her naked?
Jesus Martinez
You know even as little kids playing in the lake or having bath’s togehter?
Jesus Martinez
What are the chances of you getting me a couple nude pics of her?
Jesus Martinez
Not very likely right?
Jesus Martinez
Like I shouldn’t start writing up a post announcing I have exclusive pics of her right?
Jesus Martinez
There must be something she did to piss you off over the years, maybe you resent her success and wish you were the star in the family….
Jesus Martinez
wouldn’t this be the best way to give her what she deserves….
Jesus Martinez
I guess you’re not into the idea…..
Jesus Martinez
Hello?
That’s when I gave up, I guess we’re no longer friends and that short moment we spent together on the internet, that made me one person away from Rachel Bilson, is one I will hold close to my heart forever.
Here’s Automn Reeser and her Firey hair that her literal parents named her after in her bikini for Maxim, even though it’s my second Maxim post of the day and fuckers aren’t even paying me for this shit, but I am hoping I encourage people to not buy any of their magazines because you can find all the goods here instead of there., it is my attempt to ruin them because I just resent everyone who makes more money than me, which is pretty much everyone.
Here’s a creepy video called Taylor and Ryan – Forever Love – That Made me Laugh….Because Someone Was Creepy/Lame Enough to Waste Their TIme Doing This….
Her name is Liz Fuller, I’ve never heard of her, you probably have because you have been following the Miss World pageant your entire life, not because you are a pervert who likes watching girls from every country in the world share one stage as they prance around in their bikinis, but because it was always your dream to be a crowned at a beauty pageant and found it unfair that they wouldn’t let you, just because you have a penis, but every chance you get you put on your mom’s wedding dress, throw on a tiara and a walk around the room, when one of your stuffed animals hosting the event crowns you Miss Universe, you scream with joy and cry while doing a final speech and and walk around the room before your dad walks in on you and yells at you to man the fuck up because boys aren’t supposed to wanna be Miss Universe, they are suposed to fuck them.
Either way, she’s old and she proves that in her bikini selection, because he’s what you see mom’s on the beach wearing to hide their gunts from having one too many kids, even though they only had one kid, if you know what I mean. I feel like this post was like a scenic drive through the glorious mountains inside my brain that are getting deforestationed from all the hard drinkin…..glad you’ve come along for the ride….
I am fucking hurting today, I woke up surprised to be alive because last night was seriously fucking abusive on myself, just look at my stepLINKS post written at 6 am while fuckin’ destroyed, but it turns out that my fast beating heart, dizziness, shakes, pains and memories of stupidities from last night aren’t as hurting as my computer that wouldn’t let me access the blog all day and it turns out that my computer having AIDS, randomly shutting off, crashing and overall sucking dick is not as hurting as Selma Blair in a bikini. In all fairness this is her first job in a long time, she’s almost 40 and she’s supposed to be dumpy lookin’ in this role. I’d still fuck her like the pillow case full of mash potatoes she looks like she’d feel like…
That’s the first post of the day. I hope you liked it.
Audrina is a useless slut and she’s trying to milk all the fame she can by getting in a bikini as often as possible and now she’s taken it to the next level by agreeing to do some kind of joke for that Jew Chelsea Lately’s show where she pretends to be dating a midget. I am guessing shit’s a play on the whole Verne Troyer sex tape shit, or maybe they just think the idea of a retarded looking half-rate celebrity dating a midget is just so fucking funny, because people aren’t supposed to date midgets they are supposed to watch them get shot out of cannons or some other offensive shit that degrades all my midget brothers out there and I take offense to this shit, mainly because it’s a cheap joke and even if it wasn’t a cheap joke it wouldn’t be funny, but more importantly because I hate Audrina and despite having a good set of implants, which is rare, still deserves none of what she’s got including you jerking off to her.
The truth is that when I first saw these pics, I naturally assumed she was with one of her friends she met at her retard and handicapped camp she was sent to as a kid, but that turned out to be false fuckin’ promises and the truth is the she’s just a cunt.
In case you didn’t know, Adrian Grenier’s girlfriend was in the car with Shai LeBeef when he had his drunk driving accident, leading the world to believe she’s fuckin’ that little troll’s useless cock, while probably being a huge blow to Adrian Grenier’s ego, because let’s face it, whenever a girl I bang goes with someone fuckin’ lame after being with me, I take personal offense and even think for a minute that maybe I am delusional and maybe this fucker is a step up from me and that I just think he’s a loser because I am jealous that she’s fucking someone who isn’t me, but probably not because I don’t believe in jealousy and what I find lame is not what girls find lame, so in the end it all makes sense and I end up marrying the first fat lonely chick who comes along, because I figure I am older and I don’t want to be alone and that she’s going to always be there for me through thick and thin because she’s older and doesn’t want to be alone either, even though she’s not anything I ever wanted to marry and is probably something I wouldn’t even notice walking down the street, but she’s mine, I’ve settled and this post is depressing me, let me switch it up….
So Adrian Grenier has dumped the LeBeef girl, and was spotted paddle surfing, the gayest sport out there with 3 chicks in their bikinis, and last time I checked, 3 girls on your dick is better than one, so while his ex is out with some Hollywood loser, Grenier’s showin’ her than shit don’t matter and he’s going to make the best of this freedom, you cheating, lying, useless piece of ass who is just trying to advance your own career and it will all backfire, because there’s a lot hotter more talented pussy out there than you.
Here’s another old hot model I want to fuck who is set for life and spending the day in her bikini and you should be jealous of her because she has the money to do all the things you wish you could do because of all the money she made because she was born hot and someone figured they could make money off her. The truth is that I have spoke to local models, who aren’t really anything special, but think they are and they have dreams of international modeling stardom and always talk about how hard their work is and how much talent shit takes and it’s all fucking bullshit.
I was featured in Maxim and Complex magazine, I’m not bragging, cuz it’s not a big deal, but I am just saying, that the photoshoots consisted of sitting on your ass on a couch next to a table of catered breakfast food, drinks and coffee that is better than anything I get here, until the motherfucker was ready to take your picture, in a room with 4 set designers, 1 art director, 1 photographer and 1 photograher’s assistant, where you sit on your ass in the set they have set u and he takes your picture for about an hour, joke around between shots and then the caterer brings in lunch that is bettert than anything I can afford here and everyone takes an hour break and sits around talking about bullshit, until dude takes more pictures or you and wrapping things up mid afternoon, ending the day of work that was more like sitting at home all day with pretentious art fags with camera equiment. I figured real models do pretty much the same thing only on a bigger scale and if they do shit is a fuckin’ joke, doesn’t take talent and pays too fucking much, proven with these pictures of Helena Christensen in her bikini.
I was walking down the street yesterday and had a little altercation with an Autistic kid without realizing it. I was standing on the street corner pretending to be a hooker, as I like to do sometimes, because my theory is that we all need a little glamor in our lives sometimes, and some mother was pushing her baby along in a stroller. I looked at the kid, who was sucking its thumb and lazily getting toted around by its mom and I realized the girl was 12 years old. I turned to a girl next to me and asked if she sucked her thumb like that when she was 12 and if her mom still dressed her up and played baby with her because she was the kind of mom who tried so hard to get pregnant, that when she did, she never wanted to let her go by growing u and still breast fed her at 12 and never potty trained her so that she could always change her little babies diaper, even after her little baby had her period and pubes, because the mom always wanted to be part of the girls life. The girl next to me was giggling then pointed out that the mom had a t-shirt that read “Mother’s of Austism 2008”, and I realized that I was an asshole.
Speaking of Autism, here are some pictures of Mother of an Autistic kid and her brother who she turned into her lover, and she’s in a bikini. Now, I don’t know about you, but I wanted to fuck the annoying, loud, obnoxious smile off this bitch’s face in the 90s, so it is only natural for me to document her bikini body whenever I can and the truth is, retarded baby from a broken down uterus or not, I still want to fuck the obnoxious smile off her face and bring the tears, pain and depression like I normally bring every time a girl gets with me.
So it is official, I am finally having low self esteem dreams. Last night, I had a dream that I was out partying with my wife back when she was hot. She ended up disappearing on me and running off with some 55 year old rich dude who wasn’t fat and I was scrambling trying to find her. When I did, she had just finished fucking the shit out of the dude and started telling me how much better he was than me and how she was going to be leaving me because she was in love. It turned out the dude was married and wanted nothing to do with her, so she came crawling back to a broken down me. Having no self esteem I took her back and from that point on she knew she had me by the balls.
The truth is that if that happened in my real life, where my wife is 300 pounds, I’d be happy as fuck if this happened because another man would mean that I wouldn’t have to do my husband duties once a month and service her greasy box like some kind of sick mechanic, like I have no choice to do right now, but for some reason waking up from that dream made me feel more worthless than I did going bed next to that bitch.
Speaking of love, here are some pictures of Rihanna with her boyfriend who she claims isn’t her boyfriend in Barbados in her bikini that are uninspiring, even though I find her hot, but they are good enough to start the day. I don’t like that she’s obnoxiously chosen a Pink jet ski, because I hate girls who are obsessed with the color pink and need all accessories to have some pink in it, but I do like their pink. I also like that she’s tapping into her African roots by wearing her Zebra inspired top and mismatched bottom like she can’t afford a bikini that matches like she was in the fuckin’ projects, but the top is good enough for me, it’s like Animal Planet and I would totally get Steve Irwin on her ass like we were at his Australian zoo and I was hunting that shit down to feed it, but Steve Irwin is dead and so is my motivation.
